I've had an experience in the last week that rocked my world and opened my eyes to the fact that I've been a lazy parent.
I have 3 very active boys. One is a toddler and needs either constant attention or supervision...one is having some struggles with school and needs my help with homework more than the others. And one? One is a teenager. He is more likely to retreat to his room, earbuds in his ear and disappear into a world of his computer (which is monitored) or texting his friends.
There is nothing wrong with him taking some time and space for himself but what I've learned is that I let him stay in his room because honestly...it is easier at times. He's quiet and I can focus on the other kids that are clamoring for my attention. I can make dinner or start a load of laundry or sit down for a few minutes.
But...it is also lazy. I need to take time to engage him and not take the path that is always easier.
I have always prided myself of being a good communicator with my kids and I'm finding that as they get older that is becoming harder to do. It takes more effort. The little one wants to tell me every detail of his day including what he ate for snack and what games he played on the playground. The middle one wants to tell me a few details then he wants me to shut up so he can play with his Legos and have elaborate army battles. The oldest one chooses when he wants to talk or not...sometimes he will tell me all sorts of fun stories but other times it is like pulling teeth to get information from him. All that is part of the season of life they are in.
BUT. I can't allow myself to pick the easy path so often.
Working this week on engaging my kids and finding out what is going on in their worlds. It is just too important not to.
Family
Monday, September 10, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Teenagers: Not for the faint of heart
Teenagers. These are creatures that once were your cherub faced want to be near you all the time and thought you were the most awesome thing under the sun. You go and have a baby and you think every think they do is magic. They have magic smiles. Magic coos. Magic looks. Magic first steps. Even their burps and poops become a thing you will talk to complete strangers about. They melt your heart into tiny pieces with everything they do.
Then they hit the teenage years. It starts out slowly...they start to do this thing with their eyes where they can't seem to keep them focused and they roll from time to time...specifically when you are talking. They stop wanting to cuddle with you and in fact will push you away and tell you they are too big for that stuff. It will break your heart into tiny little pieces.
Then they enter a phase around 15 where they are stuck. They are too big for kid stuff yet they aren't quite ready for all the responsibility they think they are. It is just a hard time for them...they have hormones racing and their bodies are all out of whack. They want so desperately to make their own decisions...and they should be allowed to make some...but not quite as many as they think they are ready for.
We are at this 15 year stage with our oldest. Let me straight up say that Patrick is an amazing kid. He is smarter than I ever thought about being. He has the best most wickedly funny sense of humor. He says things that crack me up many times. He is a great student. He is helpful and overall respectful to adults he comes in contact with. I get complimented on him constantly by adults he interacts with. I could not ask for a better son. He isn't perfect and I don't expect him to be but in the kid department? I hit the jackpot when God blessed me with Patrick.
We are having to recognize that he is growing up. And with growing up comes us, as parents, letting him fly a little bit. This all hit me out of the blue. I knew a day was coming he would spread his wings but all of a sudden...that day is pretty much here. And I'm not ready for it. He will be legally eligible to drive in 4 months. I will reach a point where I will hand him keys and watch him drive off and then I will throw up and rock back and forth constantly until he drive back home safe and sound. What? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?
Did you know from the time a child is born you basically have 940 Saturdays before they will on average move out or leave for college? Doesn't that seem small? Like it just isn't quite enough time?
Right now we are going through bumps in the road where Patrick thinks we are the most stupid people that ever walked this planet and we are keeping him from doing anything and everything at all because we want to control his every move and his life.
This is the part that hit me...I distinctly remember telling my mother around...oh...just about 15 that she was a control freak and didn't want me to grow up and I hated her and EVERYBODY else's Mom and Dad let them do things and go places and you know...actually grow up!
*Side note* Go ahead and accustom yourself with EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS because when you are engaging with a teenager you will hear about these wonderful parents at least 84 times a day. They are parents with flowing locks of hair that ride around on unicorns and when they sing rainbows come out of their mouths and they spread nothing but love and joy to their children. They never say no and they have no rules and theirs is a home of utopia. You will come to hate EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS I promise you.
So what advice or glimmer of hope can I offer? Not a bit. Okay...okay...I can tell you a few things I have learned here in the trenches...
1) You can't be your kid's friend and be an effective parent. Not right now. One day you can be their friend. One day long past the teenage years...when they are adults and they possibly have kids of their own. You will then become more friendly. My Mom is my friend and has been since right about November 8, 1996. This is the day I became a Mom and once I held that little 4 pound bundle everything my Mom ever did or said to keep me in line or protect me all made perfect sense.
2) Your kid is going to go through a period of time where they don't like you very much at all. This is normal. And psssstttt...you aren't going to like them at times either. Totally normal. You both still love each other...you are just finding your new normal with this teenage person and they are trying to make sense of everything you say because I swear I think it must come out to them like that teacher from Charlie Brown.
3) You are going to have to let go. Yeah...I know. I'm still struggling with this one. But...it is a fact of life. Kids grow up. They start to think for themselves. They make decisions....not always the best of decisions. Guess what? I'm 37 and I still don't always make the best of decisions. Go figure.
4) Pick your battles. That music they are listening to that sounds like someone stepping on a cat while simultaneously banging pots and pans together? It will pass. The bigger deal you make out of it the more they will cling to it. And one day you may even find yourself driving down the road where a song comes on and you both say..."Cool...I love this one..."
5) It is more important to raise a kid who has an obedient heart than a kid who only follows the rules to get something or to avoid a punishment. Patrick struggles with this. He will argue with me about "I was only 5 minutes past my limit...what is the big deal?" The big deal isn't the 5 minutes...it truly isn't. The big deal is having an obedient heart versus a disobedient one.
6) My goal as a parent should always be to point my son to the cross. To teach him about grace. To show him 2 basic things: Love God. Love Others. The rest? Just details.
You can take very bit of this advice with a grain of salt because in all honesty? I screw it up more often than I get it right. I go to bed many nights thinking how I should have said this or I should have done this or I regret things I did say or opportunities I missed.
I basically have 156 Saturdays left. My focus is to try and get through the next few and make them the best ones we can. Little by little. Both of us learning along the way and both of us screwing it up at times. But oh...those days we get it right? Those are awesome days.
Then they hit the teenage years. It starts out slowly...they start to do this thing with their eyes where they can't seem to keep them focused and they roll from time to time...specifically when you are talking. They stop wanting to cuddle with you and in fact will push you away and tell you they are too big for that stuff. It will break your heart into tiny little pieces.
Then they enter a phase around 15 where they are stuck. They are too big for kid stuff yet they aren't quite ready for all the responsibility they think they are. It is just a hard time for them...they have hormones racing and their bodies are all out of whack. They want so desperately to make their own decisions...and they should be allowed to make some...but not quite as many as they think they are ready for.
We are at this 15 year stage with our oldest. Let me straight up say that Patrick is an amazing kid. He is smarter than I ever thought about being. He has the best most wickedly funny sense of humor. He says things that crack me up many times. He is a great student. He is helpful and overall respectful to adults he comes in contact with. I get complimented on him constantly by adults he interacts with. I could not ask for a better son. He isn't perfect and I don't expect him to be but in the kid department? I hit the jackpot when God blessed me with Patrick.
We are having to recognize that he is growing up. And with growing up comes us, as parents, letting him fly a little bit. This all hit me out of the blue. I knew a day was coming he would spread his wings but all of a sudden...that day is pretty much here. And I'm not ready for it. He will be legally eligible to drive in 4 months. I will reach a point where I will hand him keys and watch him drive off and then I will throw up and rock back and forth constantly until he drive back home safe and sound. What? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?
Did you know from the time a child is born you basically have 940 Saturdays before they will on average move out or leave for college? Doesn't that seem small? Like it just isn't quite enough time?
Right now we are going through bumps in the road where Patrick thinks we are the most stupid people that ever walked this planet and we are keeping him from doing anything and everything at all because we want to control his every move and his life.
This is the part that hit me...I distinctly remember telling my mother around...oh...just about 15 that she was a control freak and didn't want me to grow up and I hated her and EVERYBODY else's Mom and Dad let them do things and go places and you know...actually grow up!
*Side note* Go ahead and accustom yourself with EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS because when you are engaging with a teenager you will hear about these wonderful parents at least 84 times a day. They are parents with flowing locks of hair that ride around on unicorns and when they sing rainbows come out of their mouths and they spread nothing but love and joy to their children. They never say no and they have no rules and theirs is a home of utopia. You will come to hate EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS I promise you.
So what advice or glimmer of hope can I offer? Not a bit. Okay...okay...I can tell you a few things I have learned here in the trenches...
1) You can't be your kid's friend and be an effective parent. Not right now. One day you can be their friend. One day long past the teenage years...when they are adults and they possibly have kids of their own. You will then become more friendly. My Mom is my friend and has been since right about November 8, 1996. This is the day I became a Mom and once I held that little 4 pound bundle everything my Mom ever did or said to keep me in line or protect me all made perfect sense.
2) Your kid is going to go through a period of time where they don't like you very much at all. This is normal. And psssstttt...you aren't going to like them at times either. Totally normal. You both still love each other...you are just finding your new normal with this teenage person and they are trying to make sense of everything you say because I swear I think it must come out to them like that teacher from Charlie Brown.
3) You are going to have to let go. Yeah...I know. I'm still struggling with this one. But...it is a fact of life. Kids grow up. They start to think for themselves. They make decisions....not always the best of decisions. Guess what? I'm 37 and I still don't always make the best of decisions. Go figure.
4) Pick your battles. That music they are listening to that sounds like someone stepping on a cat while simultaneously banging pots and pans together? It will pass. The bigger deal you make out of it the more they will cling to it. And one day you may even find yourself driving down the road where a song comes on and you both say..."Cool...I love this one..."
5) It is more important to raise a kid who has an obedient heart than a kid who only follows the rules to get something or to avoid a punishment. Patrick struggles with this. He will argue with me about "I was only 5 minutes past my limit...what is the big deal?" The big deal isn't the 5 minutes...it truly isn't. The big deal is having an obedient heart versus a disobedient one.
6) My goal as a parent should always be to point my son to the cross. To teach him about grace. To show him 2 basic things: Love God. Love Others. The rest? Just details.
You can take very bit of this advice with a grain of salt because in all honesty? I screw it up more often than I get it right. I go to bed many nights thinking how I should have said this or I should have done this or I regret things I did say or opportunities I missed.
I basically have 156 Saturdays left. My focus is to try and get through the next few and make them the best ones we can. Little by little. Both of us learning along the way and both of us screwing it up at times. But oh...those days we get it right? Those are awesome days.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Called out by a 4 year old
John and I don't watch a whole lot of TV. Mainly we watch HGTV and lots of cooking shows. However, we do enjoy the show Modern Family. In fact, we crack up at Modern Family. One of the main characters, Phil, reminds me of John in minor ways so I jokingly call him "Phil" at times.
John's birthday was this past week and I found a talking card that had Phil on it. As soon as I saw it I knew it would be the card for me to give him.
Phil thinks of himself as quite the hip Dad. He mortifies his children and wife at various times but he has a heart of gold.
We put cards up on our fireplace mantle for about a week then we pack them away or toss them depending on how full the card drawer has gotten.
On Friday I was in the living room straightening up for some friends who were stopping by and Colin was helping me. I was taking the cards down and he asked me if any of the cards sang or talked. He really enjoys the cards that do. So I tossed the card my parents gave John that sang and the Phil card to him.
He danced around to the music on the one card then he opened up the Phil card...
"I'm hip. I'm cool. I surf the web. I text. LOL. Laugh Out Loud. WTF. Why The Face? OMG. Oh My God."
And Colin shut the card quickly and looked up at me. "Why did that man talk about God?"
Being the awesome parent that I am I very quickly said, "Oh...he's just playing around...let's put that card up..." as I reached to take it out of his hands.
But Colin wasn't letting it go. He looked up at me with those big brown eyes and said, "But we shouldn't say that. That isn't talking about God nice. Who gave my Daddy this card?"
Ouch.
You ever have those moments where you feel like God just thumped you on the head to get your attention? Ever have one where you felt like he hit you with a 2 X 4?
So I took a deep breath and sat down on the couch with Colin and told him that he was right. We don't talk about God like that and it isn't nice and Mommy was wrong to not think about that.
He listened to my answer then hopped up and said it was okay because God doesn't stay mad at us if we are sorry and he said he would just go throw that card in the trash.
We have been in the middle of a sermon series on James at my church. Taming the tongue. Evaluating our speech...what we say...how we say it...who we say it to...
Not that I think Colin has a firm grasp on theology but apparently he has been paying more attention than his Mom...
John's birthday was this past week and I found a talking card that had Phil on it. As soon as I saw it I knew it would be the card for me to give him.
Phil thinks of himself as quite the hip Dad. He mortifies his children and wife at various times but he has a heart of gold.
We put cards up on our fireplace mantle for about a week then we pack them away or toss them depending on how full the card drawer has gotten.
On Friday I was in the living room straightening up for some friends who were stopping by and Colin was helping me. I was taking the cards down and he asked me if any of the cards sang or talked. He really enjoys the cards that do. So I tossed the card my parents gave John that sang and the Phil card to him.
He danced around to the music on the one card then he opened up the Phil card...
"I'm hip. I'm cool. I surf the web. I text. LOL. Laugh Out Loud. WTF. Why The Face? OMG. Oh My God."
And Colin shut the card quickly and looked up at me. "Why did that man talk about God?"
Being the awesome parent that I am I very quickly said, "Oh...he's just playing around...let's put that card up..." as I reached to take it out of his hands.
But Colin wasn't letting it go. He looked up at me with those big brown eyes and said, "But we shouldn't say that. That isn't talking about God nice. Who gave my Daddy this card?"
Ouch.
You ever have those moments where you feel like God just thumped you on the head to get your attention? Ever have one where you felt like he hit you with a 2 X 4?
So I took a deep breath and sat down on the couch with Colin and told him that he was right. We don't talk about God like that and it isn't nice and Mommy was wrong to not think about that.
He listened to my answer then hopped up and said it was okay because God doesn't stay mad at us if we are sorry and he said he would just go throw that card in the trash.
We have been in the middle of a sermon series on James at my church. Taming the tongue. Evaluating our speech...what we say...how we say it...who we say it to...
Not that I think Colin has a firm grasp on theology but apparently he has been paying more attention than his Mom...
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Teaching our kids about grace
There are few things Colin loves more than going to Target and getting an Icee at the end. He will ask about 876 times if we are going to get an Icee. Before leaving on vacation last week we were at Target and Josh & Colin were in rare form. They were running all over the place and I found myself having to stop numerous times to tell them to knock it off. I kept forgetting things and had to backtrack in the store.
Finally, without yelling at all, I said to them, "Okay. I have to get 5 more things before we can go. If you cannot behave for the remainder of our trip then we will not stop to get an Icee on the way out."
They both nodded and by Thing #3 they were running and playing again. I said nothing, got my 2 last things and we headed for the check out. As soon as we were gathering our bags Colin started toward the snack counter. I stopped him and he looked up at me and said, "But we haven't gotten our Icees yet..."
I reminded him that I had asked them several times to stop running and they chose not to follow my instructions. I asked Josh if he knew what disobedience was and he said it was when you were told to do one thing and you did something else.
I started for the exit and Colin was heartbroken. He cried and cried all the way to the car. Real baby tears rolling down that sweet face. He kept saying, "But I'm sorry Mommy! I won't do it again. I really won't. Please let us have an Icee. Please..."
Josh was quiet but asked if they promised to behave next time could they get an Icee. I stood my ground. I didn't yell. I didn't fuss. I didn't act exasperated with them...which let me be real here...I would have sold either one of them to roving gypsies at that moment.
I buckled Colin in and he continued to cry...not a whiny didn't get my way cry but a true sad cry.
We left Target and headed toward home. After a few minutes I asked them if they knew what grace was.
Josh said he thought it was something about church or Jesus but he wasn't sure. Colin just cried.
So I told them that grace is when we do something and we deserve a punishment but instead we are given mercy or even something good. Josh pondered this for a minute and asked, "So if somebody does a really bad thing and they deserve to go to jail but then the judge lets them go home that is grace?" And I explained it further from a spiritual standpoint. We talked about Jesus and the cross. Colin started listening and told me, "Jesus died on a cross...do you mean like that, Mommy?"
We drove along and talked about how sometimes even when we disobey God and we deserve to be punished that God gives us mercy and even blessings.
Then I turned into Snow Biz. As I parked the car Josh asked where we were going and I told him, "I'm showing you grace..."
Before we got our icee I explained to each of them that when they disobey it hurts me and makes me sad and angry. That I want to always give them good things and I don't like to punish them but I will. But that there are times I want them to know grace as well.
They were quiet and behaved like little angels the rest of the day.
When John got home he saw Colin's blue lips and asked, "What did you have today?" and my sweet boy smiled up at him and said, "Mommy bought us some grace."
Not exactly...but I think he was close.
I screw up 90% of my interactions with my kids so I really enjoy it when I get it right and that afternoon I felt like I got it right.
Finally, without yelling at all, I said to them, "Okay. I have to get 5 more things before we can go. If you cannot behave for the remainder of our trip then we will not stop to get an Icee on the way out."
They both nodded and by Thing #3 they were running and playing again. I said nothing, got my 2 last things and we headed for the check out. As soon as we were gathering our bags Colin started toward the snack counter. I stopped him and he looked up at me and said, "But we haven't gotten our Icees yet..."
I reminded him that I had asked them several times to stop running and they chose not to follow my instructions. I asked Josh if he knew what disobedience was and he said it was when you were told to do one thing and you did something else.
I started for the exit and Colin was heartbroken. He cried and cried all the way to the car. Real baby tears rolling down that sweet face. He kept saying, "But I'm sorry Mommy! I won't do it again. I really won't. Please let us have an Icee. Please..."
Josh was quiet but asked if they promised to behave next time could they get an Icee. I stood my ground. I didn't yell. I didn't fuss. I didn't act exasperated with them...which let me be real here...I would have sold either one of them to roving gypsies at that moment.
I buckled Colin in and he continued to cry...not a whiny didn't get my way cry but a true sad cry.
We left Target and headed toward home. After a few minutes I asked them if they knew what grace was.
Josh said he thought it was something about church or Jesus but he wasn't sure. Colin just cried.
So I told them that grace is when we do something and we deserve a punishment but instead we are given mercy or even something good. Josh pondered this for a minute and asked, "So if somebody does a really bad thing and they deserve to go to jail but then the judge lets them go home that is grace?" And I explained it further from a spiritual standpoint. We talked about Jesus and the cross. Colin started listening and told me, "Jesus died on a cross...do you mean like that, Mommy?"
We drove along and talked about how sometimes even when we disobey God and we deserve to be punished that God gives us mercy and even blessings.
Then I turned into Snow Biz. As I parked the car Josh asked where we were going and I told him, "I'm showing you grace..."
Before we got our icee I explained to each of them that when they disobey it hurts me and makes me sad and angry. That I want to always give them good things and I don't like to punish them but I will. But that there are times I want them to know grace as well.
They were quiet and behaved like little angels the rest of the day.
When John got home he saw Colin's blue lips and asked, "What did you have today?" and my sweet boy smiled up at him and said, "Mommy bought us some grace."
Not exactly...but I think he was close.
I screw up 90% of my interactions with my kids so I really enjoy it when I get it right and that afternoon I felt like I got it right.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Update on all things Puckett
Turns out living deliberately keeps you kind of busy! I didn't mean to neglect our blog for so long so I'll give an update on what we have going on...mainly for myself to log things.
John: John is staying busy with stepping up being the leader in our home. He has joined a men's group that meets weekly and it has really been helpful for him. We just celebrated our 12 year anniversary and that is a true testament to what God can do if you shut up and get out of the way. Continue to pray for John as he leads our family.
Patrick: Patrick has his first real job this summer. He is working at an animal clinic from 7:30--5 each day. It has been a big responsibility for him but also teaching him a lot about budgeting and how a job in the real world looks. He has a fantastic boss and seems to really be enjoying the work. Who knows? Maybe this will spark an interest in the medical field for him. He gets his driver's license in November and I keep having to explain to him that just because the great State of Alabama says he is eligible to drive doesn't mean I'm going to just hand him over the keys. We are working on balance of him growing up and me realizing he is growing up. Pray for Patrick to continue to strive toward being a young man of integrity. I want more than anything else for my boys to be men of character when they grow up.
Josh: Josh is enjoying his summer by spending time with friends and laying around in his pajamas as often as possible. We are being very deliberate about setting aside time for Josh to work on reading this summer. He has had a few struggles in the past year so we are all over it by having him tutored for the summer in an effort to catch up and give him more confidence with his reading. Josh has the most compassionate heart I have ever seen. He really hears things and holds them close in his mind when most people forget and move on. Perfect example...our church lost a very special young man to cancer last year. Josh went with us to the memorial celebration. Every single night he prays for this boy's family without fail. He mainly says he hopes they aren't too sad and that they are holding on to good thoughts and for God to help them be happy again one day. We never prompt him but every single night he prays for them. Pray for Josh to continue to always have the heart for people he has now.
Colin: Colin is my smiley face monkey butt. He will be 4 in July and he is definitely moving from that baby/toddler stage to a big kid stage. He knows all his letters and most of their sounds, colors, shapes and can count to 20 without much trouble. He is the first to call you out if you start to eat without saying the "blessings" and he likes to pray at night for random things. Some of my favorites: Animals. Bicycles. His Spiderman nightlight. The city. Chickens. The Kona Ice Truck. His friends. Pray for Colin to continue to learn to listen and for us to always encourage his curiosity.
And...Me: Oh boy. That anger and bitterness I mentioned in the last post? Still there. I see this person continually hurt my family and it is a struggle to try and move past it. But that's where I am...asking God to help me let it go. For me to understand that hurting people hurt people. Also God has revealed to me that even when we are forgiven for sinful choices we make there are still sometimes earthly consequences. This situation with this person is an indirect consequence of some of my earlier choices. That is a bitter pill to swallow but it doesn't make it any less true. It also doesn't justify some of the hurtful things they have done and continue to do time and time again but that is where I am on it.
I have been spending time investing in women and children at The Lovelady Center lately and it is a place that I am coming to love more and more. I have met some amazing ladies and each time I visit I am so overwhelmed with how God transforms lives. I prayed a while back for God to break my heart for what breaks His and Lovelady is where I keep being drawn to.
Celebrate Recovery continues to grow and thrive. I have taken some steps back and there have been others that have stepped up to fill various leadership roles which is a huge thing and a good thing. We celebrated our 3 year anniversary at WWBC recently and I cannot wait to see where it goes in the next 3 years.
We leave Monday for a week at the beach. I am looking forward to some downtime with my husband and boys.
Prayers needed for me: Patience. Remembering it isn't all about me. Wisdom in so many areas. For God to temper my pride. And for me to always try to be: the wife and mother my husband and children deserve; the employee my boss needs...even when it is difficult; the daughter my parents and inlaws need; the friend my friends need me to be and the leader God needs me to be.
John: John is staying busy with stepping up being the leader in our home. He has joined a men's group that meets weekly and it has really been helpful for him. We just celebrated our 12 year anniversary and that is a true testament to what God can do if you shut up and get out of the way. Continue to pray for John as he leads our family.
Patrick: Patrick has his first real job this summer. He is working at an animal clinic from 7:30--5 each day. It has been a big responsibility for him but also teaching him a lot about budgeting and how a job in the real world looks. He has a fantastic boss and seems to really be enjoying the work. Who knows? Maybe this will spark an interest in the medical field for him. He gets his driver's license in November and I keep having to explain to him that just because the great State of Alabama says he is eligible to drive doesn't mean I'm going to just hand him over the keys. We are working on balance of him growing up and me realizing he is growing up. Pray for Patrick to continue to strive toward being a young man of integrity. I want more than anything else for my boys to be men of character when they grow up.
Josh: Josh is enjoying his summer by spending time with friends and laying around in his pajamas as often as possible. We are being very deliberate about setting aside time for Josh to work on reading this summer. He has had a few struggles in the past year so we are all over it by having him tutored for the summer in an effort to catch up and give him more confidence with his reading. Josh has the most compassionate heart I have ever seen. He really hears things and holds them close in his mind when most people forget and move on. Perfect example...our church lost a very special young man to cancer last year. Josh went with us to the memorial celebration. Every single night he prays for this boy's family without fail. He mainly says he hopes they aren't too sad and that they are holding on to good thoughts and for God to help them be happy again one day. We never prompt him but every single night he prays for them. Pray for Josh to continue to always have the heart for people he has now.
Colin: Colin is my smiley face monkey butt. He will be 4 in July and he is definitely moving from that baby/toddler stage to a big kid stage. He knows all his letters and most of their sounds, colors, shapes and can count to 20 without much trouble. He is the first to call you out if you start to eat without saying the "blessings" and he likes to pray at night for random things. Some of my favorites: Animals. Bicycles. His Spiderman nightlight. The city. Chickens. The Kona Ice Truck. His friends. Pray for Colin to continue to learn to listen and for us to always encourage his curiosity.
And...Me: Oh boy. That anger and bitterness I mentioned in the last post? Still there. I see this person continually hurt my family and it is a struggle to try and move past it. But that's where I am...asking God to help me let it go. For me to understand that hurting people hurt people. Also God has revealed to me that even when we are forgiven for sinful choices we make there are still sometimes earthly consequences. This situation with this person is an indirect consequence of some of my earlier choices. That is a bitter pill to swallow but it doesn't make it any less true. It also doesn't justify some of the hurtful things they have done and continue to do time and time again but that is where I am on it.
I have been spending time investing in women and children at The Lovelady Center lately and it is a place that I am coming to love more and more. I have met some amazing ladies and each time I visit I am so overwhelmed with how God transforms lives. I prayed a while back for God to break my heart for what breaks His and Lovelady is where I keep being drawn to.
Celebrate Recovery continues to grow and thrive. I have taken some steps back and there have been others that have stepped up to fill various leadership roles which is a huge thing and a good thing. We celebrated our 3 year anniversary at WWBC recently and I cannot wait to see where it goes in the next 3 years.
We leave Monday for a week at the beach. I am looking forward to some downtime with my husband and boys.
Prayers needed for me: Patience. Remembering it isn't all about me. Wisdom in so many areas. For God to temper my pride. And for me to always try to be: the wife and mother my husband and children deserve; the employee my boss needs...even when it is difficult; the daughter my parents and inlaws need; the friend my friends need me to be and the leader God needs me to be.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Letting go.
This isn't so much about my boys today but about something I bet we all can identify with.
I was driving home Friday afternoon, trying to find a song for an event I'm working on. I was listening to several things and trying to pay attention to the words and really listen.
Got to one that has the lyrics:
You are here, you are here
In your presence I'm made whole
You are God, you are God
Of all else I'm letting go...
And listening to that I was overwhelmed with conviction. See I know for an absolute fact I am holding on to a deep hatred toward someone...have been for years. Only person on the face of the planet I hate. I know it is wrong. I know I should pray about it. I know I should let it go. But...I don't want to. I cling to this hatred. It is a deep seated bitterness in my heart. Most days I can push it down but every so often it rears up and I let it have total reign in my thoughts and in my heart.
God has brought it to my mind off and on and I acknowledge to him that I know I need to let it go. I know it is not what he commands of me. But then I hang on to it because I don't really know how to let it go. And let's be honest? I don't want to let it go. Hating this person feels good.
But I know I am being disobedient and as long as I cling to my disobedience God will not bless me. That is the feeling/conviction that overwhelmed me on Friday.
So...time to figure it out. How do I cling to the lyrics that in God's presence I am made whole and I'm letting go of everything else? Letting go of this hatred toward this person?
I confided these feelings to some friends and their answer is what I already know. The only way I will conquer this and let it go is on my knees...daily. I have to humble myself, seek God's face and let it go.
Much easier said than done. I tried this morning but the prayer got caught in my throat. I don't want to pray for her. I don't want to think about her. So to start I suppose I have to pray for God to make me willing to even be willing. To help me choke down the bitterness and slowly begin to let it go one small prayer at a time.
To live a deliberate life I have to learn to practice what I preach and release this bitterness.
I was driving home Friday afternoon, trying to find a song for an event I'm working on. I was listening to several things and trying to pay attention to the words and really listen.
Got to one that has the lyrics:
You are here, you are here
In your presence I'm made whole
You are God, you are God
Of all else I'm letting go...
And listening to that I was overwhelmed with conviction. See I know for an absolute fact I am holding on to a deep hatred toward someone...have been for years. Only person on the face of the planet I hate. I know it is wrong. I know I should pray about it. I know I should let it go. But...I don't want to. I cling to this hatred. It is a deep seated bitterness in my heart. Most days I can push it down but every so often it rears up and I let it have total reign in my thoughts and in my heart.
God has brought it to my mind off and on and I acknowledge to him that I know I need to let it go. I know it is not what he commands of me. But then I hang on to it because I don't really know how to let it go. And let's be honest? I don't want to let it go. Hating this person feels good.
But I know I am being disobedient and as long as I cling to my disobedience God will not bless me. That is the feeling/conviction that overwhelmed me on Friday.
So...time to figure it out. How do I cling to the lyrics that in God's presence I am made whole and I'm letting go of everything else? Letting go of this hatred toward this person?
I confided these feelings to some friends and their answer is what I already know. The only way I will conquer this and let it go is on my knees...daily. I have to humble myself, seek God's face and let it go.
Much easier said than done. I tried this morning but the prayer got caught in my throat. I don't want to pray for her. I don't want to think about her. So to start I suppose I have to pray for God to make me willing to even be willing. To help me choke down the bitterness and slowly begin to let it go one small prayer at a time.
To live a deliberate life I have to learn to practice what I preach and release this bitterness.
Monday, March 19, 2012
When They Get It...
Do you ever feel like you are talking to your kids and you would have better results if you stood and conversed with the cat? I feel this way a lot of the time and my cat is starting to think I am crazy.
However, every so often it clicks and they do something that reaffirms for you that they get it. They are listening. Your words aren't falling on deaf ears. When this happens it is pretty awesome.
Josh came home from school on Friday and dropped off his bookbag before heading downstairs to play. I went through his folder and noticed he had brought home some projects they did over the last few weeks. One was a hanging sign they did in February for Black History Month. They talked about King's "I have a dream" speech and then were asked to make their own sign that read "I have a dream..." and complete the statement.
Josh's sign read "I have a dream that all people will know God."
I was blown away by this because Josh is my reserved kid who isn't extremely vocal about faith matters or really any matters. He is more introspective most of the time.
When he came back upstairs I asked him about it and asked him what made him come up with that and he shrugged and said, "Well...isn't that a good dream to have, Mom?"
Indeed.
My kid is getting it. Little by little and without us even realizing it a lot of time...he gets it.
However, every so often it clicks and they do something that reaffirms for you that they get it. They are listening. Your words aren't falling on deaf ears. When this happens it is pretty awesome.
Josh came home from school on Friday and dropped off his bookbag before heading downstairs to play. I went through his folder and noticed he had brought home some projects they did over the last few weeks. One was a hanging sign they did in February for Black History Month. They talked about King's "I have a dream" speech and then were asked to make their own sign that read "I have a dream..." and complete the statement.
Josh's sign read "I have a dream that all people will know God."
I was blown away by this because Josh is my reserved kid who isn't extremely vocal about faith matters or really any matters. He is more introspective most of the time.
When he came back upstairs I asked him about it and asked him what made him come up with that and he shrugged and said, "Well...isn't that a good dream to have, Mom?"
Indeed.
My kid is getting it. Little by little and without us even realizing it a lot of time...he gets it.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I'm sorry...
Colin is on a huge kick lately of say he is sorry for things. Tiny things. Things I don't even know what he is talking about. It is all apologies all the time with him.
When I picked him up from daycare yesterday we did our usual talk on the drive home.
How was your day? Good. I played games.
What was the best part of your day? Coming home to see your smiling face. (This is a joke Patrick started months ago and Colin thinks it is hilarious so it continues).
No, really...what was the best part of your day? Playing games with friends. Eating. On that playground. Running. Talking about shapes.
Any bad parts to your day? Um....maybe so...
Like what? I made a friend sad. I sorry, Mommy.
Did you tell your friend you were sorry? No. I told you. You can tell them for me another time.
So we talked about when we hurt someone we should always tell them we are sorry and try really really hard not to do the same thing again.
He was quiet for a little while then he said, "Mommy? I'm sorry I stepped on your foot. (This happened about 3 weeks ago). And I'm sorry that I pulled Bella's tail. And I'm sorry that I ate all that gum all up. And I'm sorry that I played with Josh's Legos and then I broke it. And I'm sorry I shut Daddy's hand in the door of the van (That was a new one to me). And I'm sorry that I yelled really loud at that fire place (This would be Mizu). And I'm sorry I hit Patrick."
I told him that I forgave him for all those things and we would try better.
The he asked me, "Do you ever have to do sorrys?"
Do I ever.
Then we talked about God's heart being hurt when we do things and how we talk to God and tell Him we are sorry and then we try really really hard not to do it again.
I think all this must have sunk in because last night he mentioned to his brother, "You got mad at me when I played your game and broke it and you yelled at me and made me sad and then you didn't say you were sorry. That hurts God's heart..."
Oh, boy. Back to the drawing board.
When I picked him up from daycare yesterday we did our usual talk on the drive home.
How was your day? Good. I played games.
What was the best part of your day? Coming home to see your smiling face. (This is a joke Patrick started months ago and Colin thinks it is hilarious so it continues).
No, really...what was the best part of your day? Playing games with friends. Eating. On that playground. Running. Talking about shapes.
Any bad parts to your day? Um....maybe so...
Like what? I made a friend sad. I sorry, Mommy.
Did you tell your friend you were sorry? No. I told you. You can tell them for me another time.
So we talked about when we hurt someone we should always tell them we are sorry and try really really hard not to do the same thing again.
He was quiet for a little while then he said, "Mommy? I'm sorry I stepped on your foot. (This happened about 3 weeks ago). And I'm sorry that I pulled Bella's tail. And I'm sorry that I ate all that gum all up. And I'm sorry that I played with Josh's Legos and then I broke it. And I'm sorry I shut Daddy's hand in the door of the van (That was a new one to me). And I'm sorry that I yelled really loud at that fire place (This would be Mizu). And I'm sorry I hit Patrick."
I told him that I forgave him for all those things and we would try better.
The he asked me, "Do you ever have to do sorrys?"
Do I ever.
Then we talked about God's heart being hurt when we do things and how we talk to God and tell Him we are sorry and then we try really really hard not to do it again.
I think all this must have sunk in because last night he mentioned to his brother, "You got mad at me when I played your game and broke it and you yelled at me and made me sad and then you didn't say you were sorry. That hurts God's heart..."
Oh, boy. Back to the drawing board.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
We made it...barely.
So we went 2 whole mornings, afternoons and evenings with no TV, computer, Xbox, Wii, DSi or other electronic devices. John and I used our computers while we were at work but not at home.
Monday afternoon when I got home from work and the boys got home from school we loaded up and hit the park. They played on the playground while I ran. An added bonus was that I ran into someone I worked with from 10 years ago. We caught up while her daughter played with my boys. Then we headed home and played with Playdough, read some books, talked about our days and had dinner together.
Tuesday we did some chores, talked about our days, played at Burger King then drove down to Montevallo for Patrick's guitar lesson. While he was in his lesson, Josh, Colin and I played some classic games on the quad. Mother May I? Red light/Green light. Tag. Hide-n-seek.
Once we got home and I got the boys showered, Josh and John went downstairs to wrestle and Colin and I snuggled and I told him some fairy tales. His favorite was The Three Little Pigs. We pretended to be the Big Bad Wolf and we huffed and puffed and blew out all our breath. He then took my face in his hands and said, "Mommy? I love you my whole big great big entire big heart."
Patrick had the hardest time with being unplugged. "WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? WHAT EXACTLY DOES THIS PROVE?" He went to bed early both nights so I look at that as a win...he needed some extra rest anyway. :o)
I think the Pucketts will unplug about one night a week from now on.
Monday afternoon when I got home from work and the boys got home from school we loaded up and hit the park. They played on the playground while I ran. An added bonus was that I ran into someone I worked with from 10 years ago. We caught up while her daughter played with my boys. Then we headed home and played with Playdough, read some books, talked about our days and had dinner together.
Tuesday we did some chores, talked about our days, played at Burger King then drove down to Montevallo for Patrick's guitar lesson. While he was in his lesson, Josh, Colin and I played some classic games on the quad. Mother May I? Red light/Green light. Tag. Hide-n-seek.
Once we got home and I got the boys showered, Josh and John went downstairs to wrestle and Colin and I snuggled and I told him some fairy tales. His favorite was The Three Little Pigs. We pretended to be the Big Bad Wolf and we huffed and puffed and blew out all our breath. He then took my face in his hands and said, "Mommy? I love you my whole big great big entire big heart."
Patrick had the hardest time with being unplugged. "WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? WHAT EXACTLY DOES THIS PROVE?" He went to bed early both nights so I look at that as a win...he needed some extra rest anyway. :o)
I think the Pucketts will unplug about one night a week from now on.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Unplugged
It started as a basic Sunday morning. I got up early. Made the kids chocolate chip muffins. Laid out clothes for them to wear to church. Hopped in the shower. I got out and realized Josh still hadn't moved from the TV to put on his clothes. I asked him again to do so. Then I realized Patrick hadn't come up from the downstairs after showering and getting himself ready. I sent John down to check on him and quickly discovered he had made it downstairs where the Xbox lured him away and now with 15 minutes before we needed to walk out the door he still was sitting in front of the Xbox and hadn't showered or anything.
It was at this point that Mom had a come apart fit. Now I know none of you ever do this. Your homes probably run like clockwork on Sunday mornings. Everyone wakes up in a thankful mood...the sun is shining...no one is ill tempered...lions lay down with lambs...the whole 9 yards, right? Not so gentle reader at the Puckett house about 8:42 AM yesterday.
We managed to scrape together some semblance of dressed children and loaded up. We hadn't made it out of the driveway and I turned off the radio and told them we had a problem. I'm tired of having to ask over and over for them to do something while I get a glassy eyed stare back in return. Tired of having them walk in the door and then disappear to the computer, Xbox or TV for the rest of the afternoon. Tired of having to have the same argument every afternoon when I tell them they have reached their limit of TV/computer/game time. For the record, it is 2 hours each afternoon.
So we are unplugging for 48 hours starting today. Once we walk in the door from school/work this afternoon there is no TV, Xbox, computer, DSi or Wii. Once I explained how this would work I immediately heard all the complaints. What will we do all day? What if I have a huge school assignment and I need the computer? Why do you hate us so much?
I explained we have lots of options of what to do:
We own at least 972 board games.
We own probably 2.3 million dollars worth of books.
We have Playdough and clay and tons of art supplies.
We have lots of chores that need to be done around the house.
We have a playset in the back yard.
We have dogs that need some attention.
We have enough Legos to open our own Lego Store.
We can talk to one another.
We can all help make dinner.
We can go for a walk or hit the park.
We can ride bikes/scooters.
We can visit with friends.
After I explained it all to the kids and they were out of earshot my darling husband asked that if this applied to us to...like we can still watch TV after they go to bed, right? NOPE. We are all unplugged when home.
So if you see anyone from my family wandering around aimlessly today or tomorrow then just pat them on the back and tell them they will survive and be better for it.
They have no idea that I plan to make this a weekly occurrence. One night a week we are going to unplug and refocus.
Technology is awesome but I'm tired of competing with it. I want my family one night a week to re-engage and invest in one another.
See you on the flip side.
It was at this point that Mom had a come apart fit. Now I know none of you ever do this. Your homes probably run like clockwork on Sunday mornings. Everyone wakes up in a thankful mood...the sun is shining...no one is ill tempered...lions lay down with lambs...the whole 9 yards, right? Not so gentle reader at the Puckett house about 8:42 AM yesterday.
We managed to scrape together some semblance of dressed children and loaded up. We hadn't made it out of the driveway and I turned off the radio and told them we had a problem. I'm tired of having to ask over and over for them to do something while I get a glassy eyed stare back in return. Tired of having them walk in the door and then disappear to the computer, Xbox or TV for the rest of the afternoon. Tired of having to have the same argument every afternoon when I tell them they have reached their limit of TV/computer/game time. For the record, it is 2 hours each afternoon.
So we are unplugging for 48 hours starting today. Once we walk in the door from school/work this afternoon there is no TV, Xbox, computer, DSi or Wii. Once I explained how this would work I immediately heard all the complaints. What will we do all day? What if I have a huge school assignment and I need the computer? Why do you hate us so much?
I explained we have lots of options of what to do:
We own at least 972 board games.
We own probably 2.3 million dollars worth of books.
We have Playdough and clay and tons of art supplies.
We have lots of chores that need to be done around the house.
We have a playset in the back yard.
We have dogs that need some attention.
We have enough Legos to open our own Lego Store.
We can talk to one another.
We can all help make dinner.
We can go for a walk or hit the park.
We can ride bikes/scooters.
We can visit with friends.
After I explained it all to the kids and they were out of earshot my darling husband asked that if this applied to us to...like we can still watch TV after they go to bed, right? NOPE. We are all unplugged when home.
So if you see anyone from my family wandering around aimlessly today or tomorrow then just pat them on the back and tell them they will survive and be better for it.
They have no idea that I plan to make this a weekly occurrence. One night a week we are going to unplug and refocus.
Technology is awesome but I'm tired of competing with it. I want my family one night a week to re-engage and invest in one another.
See you on the flip side.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Clutter
I may have mentioned this before but...I hate clutter. I mean I really, REALLY hate clutter. Every single January I tend to get in a very non-sentimental mood and everything must go in my house. I go room to room and declutterize. I toss magazines. Go through my books and get rid of things I didn't really care for. I organize closets like nobody's business. I toss clothes if I haven't worn them in the last year for whatever reason. I make room for new things. I rearrange furniture and I get rid of things that aren't beautiful, don't serve a purpose or make me happy. I purge and for about 4 weekends I work non stop on organizing and re-doing and making things the way I want them. A fresh start for my house. In the end I am usually really tired but everything is new and clean and fresh.
As I was doing just this very thing this past Saturday I had a thought...what if I purged and declutterized and started fresh in my heart too? What if I got rid of the anger and bitterness I have toward someone? What if I let go of a past mistake that I keep beating myself up about? What if I embraced the changes God has made in my life and be thankful for them rather than whine about all the things that haven't changed or that God hasn't done just the way I want them? What if I took the same care to make things new and fresh in my heart/attitude as I do my home?
What would that look like? What if I tossed out all the things in my heart that aren't beautiful, doesn't serve a purpose or doesn't make me happy?
As I was doing just this very thing this past Saturday I had a thought...what if I purged and declutterized and started fresh in my heart too? What if I got rid of the anger and bitterness I have toward someone? What if I let go of a past mistake that I keep beating myself up about? What if I embraced the changes God has made in my life and be thankful for them rather than whine about all the things that haven't changed or that God hasn't done just the way I want them? What if I took the same care to make things new and fresh in my heart/attitude as I do my home?
What would that look like? What if I tossed out all the things in my heart that aren't beautiful, doesn't serve a purpose or doesn't make me happy?
Maybe...just maybe if I do this then I'll have room for new things? Maybe God will answer a prayer because I've learned the lesson and let go of something that I was desperately hanging on to? Maybe? Worst case...I'll have a clean, refreshed and open heart instead of having it full of clutter. That can't be a bad thing.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Taking Time for Simple Things
I am a neat freak. I can't stand clutter. Things in my house have to be put away. I know I take it to extremes and I have slowly been working on letting more go. I now let the boys have the upstairs where their rooms are to be less structured. The downstairs where the gameroom and playrooms are? I tend to just stay out of there. There is a door that can be closed and I ask about once a week if they will just straighten things up to a manageable level. The main level of the house is my level and I still clutch my neat freak tendencies there.
But I guess since Colin turned 2 I have worked hard to come in from work and not start immediately cleaning or straightening but enjoying time with my boys. I am fortunate that I only work until 3PM so I'm home by 4PM each day. Tuesdays are guitar lessons and Wednesdays I'm gone to Celebrate Recovery much of the afternoon/evening. But the other days? Those are for my kids.
We play tag, build blocks, read books, watch a movie, snuggle on the couch, go to the lake and feed the ducks, draw on the driveway with chalk, ride bikes, play video games, get a shaved ice...lots of stuff that doesn't involve laundry or dusting or any number of things I know eventually will get done in my house.
Recently John had to travel out of town for work. Colin really wanted to do something the afternoon he was coming home so I suggested we write out a "Welcome Home, Daddy" message on the driveway.
That has been 2 weeks ago and Colin still says, "Mommy...that was so much fun. Let's tell Daddy to go away again so we can write him another message!" Not exactly what John wants to hear, but we have been working on other messages that don't involve Daddy having to go out of town.
Recognizing that housework will always be there but my kids won't always be kids is huge for me. Taking time to listen to them and find out what is going on in their worlds is so much fun...and I would miss that if I was busy cleaning a bathroom or wiping down blinds.
But I guess since Colin turned 2 I have worked hard to come in from work and not start immediately cleaning or straightening but enjoying time with my boys. I am fortunate that I only work until 3PM so I'm home by 4PM each day. Tuesdays are guitar lessons and Wednesdays I'm gone to Celebrate Recovery much of the afternoon/evening. But the other days? Those are for my kids.
We play tag, build blocks, read books, watch a movie, snuggle on the couch, go to the lake and feed the ducks, draw on the driveway with chalk, ride bikes, play video games, get a shaved ice...lots of stuff that doesn't involve laundry or dusting or any number of things I know eventually will get done in my house.
Recently John had to travel out of town for work. Colin really wanted to do something the afternoon he was coming home so I suggested we write out a "Welcome Home, Daddy" message on the driveway.
That has been 2 weeks ago and Colin still says, "Mommy...that was so much fun. Let's tell Daddy to go away again so we can write him another message!" Not exactly what John wants to hear, but we have been working on other messages that don't involve Daddy having to go out of town.
Recognizing that housework will always be there but my kids won't always be kids is huge for me. Taking time to listen to them and find out what is going on in their worlds is so much fun...and I would miss that if I was busy cleaning a bathroom or wiping down blinds.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Room to Love
Having a teenager is one of the most rewarding and most challenging things out there. There are days my heart could burst I am so proud of him and there are days I could put him outside with a sign that reads, "Free to good home." I love him unconditionally even though he thinks sometimes I don't. He is learning the difference between unconditional love and parental expectations. I have expectations of him and I will be disappointed when he doesn't meet those expectation but I love him regardless.
He is a smart cookie and I love how his brain works most of the time. To remember him as my little 4 pound miracle and to see him starting to slightly tower over me is so awesome. And not just physical growth...to see him start to reason out why he believes the things he does or doesn't...to form his own opinions...to make some of his own choices. To recognize sacrifices made on his behalf and be appreciative.
Patrick's dad and I divorced when he was still a baby. John came into his life and became his step-dad when he was 4 years old. Patrick then gained a step-mom and a step-brother a few years after that.
He came to me when he knew his dad was remarrying and asked what he was supposed to do about getting a step-mom.
We sat down and talked and I told him that God created him with a huge heart and he had room to love lots of different people for lots of different reasons. That he could love his step-mom and still love me. That it didn't change our relationship and that it didn't make either relationship less than the other....they are just different. He didn't have to choose and he didn't have to feel guilty.
That was a gift I gave to my son...the freedom to know it was okay to love someone else. I have seen so many families go through a divorce and try to make their children choose one side or the other. Or when a step-parent comes into the picture the biological parent feels threatened and makes their child feel like they are betraying them. It is so sad to watch kids grow up in a situation where they are made to feel like they have to choose. Even sadder when a parent makes the other parent be the bad guy and paints them in the worst possible light to their children. No one wins here.
Patrick's dad and I have had our share of conflict but overall I think we work together for the ultimate goal of what is best for our son. And as far as Patrick's step-mom goes? I thank God for her. She loves my son. She has given him another brother and sister. She has taken care of him when he has been sick and in her home. She has given him extra grandparents and other relatives to enjoy.
Patrick came to me about a year ago and out of the blue told me he wanted to thank me for something. Now...when your 14 year old says this you pay attention because in case you don't know...teenagers are sometimes the tiniest bit self absorbed.
He said he had friends who felt like they had to pick a side in a divorce or that their step-parent was supposed to be the bad guy and that he wanted to thank me for never making him choose. That he always felt like he could love both sets of family and not feel guilty in doing so.
So if you find yourself in a divorce situation or step-parent situation trust me, how you handle it can be huge in your kid's life. Resist the urge to bash the other parent no matter how much you want to or how much you think they deserve it. Find a friend to vent to. Go to a counselor. Don't tell it to your kid. If there is fault on a side your kid will figure that out for themselves as they mature and start to understand things more. They don't need you to share your ex-spouse's dirty laundry to them. One day they will recognize parents are fallible people with their own set of issues.
I have seen over and over recently situations where kids are torn right down the middle because of a divorce and how one parent chooses to handle it or wants everyone on their side so they share things with children they aren't capable of processing and it causes such harm.
I regret deeply that my son is from a divorced family, but I am extremely grateful with how I chose to handle it going forward. He has a big heart with plenty of room to love plenty of people.
He is a smart cookie and I love how his brain works most of the time. To remember him as my little 4 pound miracle and to see him starting to slightly tower over me is so awesome. And not just physical growth...to see him start to reason out why he believes the things he does or doesn't...to form his own opinions...to make some of his own choices. To recognize sacrifices made on his behalf and be appreciative.
Patrick's dad and I divorced when he was still a baby. John came into his life and became his step-dad when he was 4 years old. Patrick then gained a step-mom and a step-brother a few years after that.
He came to me when he knew his dad was remarrying and asked what he was supposed to do about getting a step-mom.
We sat down and talked and I told him that God created him with a huge heart and he had room to love lots of different people for lots of different reasons. That he could love his step-mom and still love me. That it didn't change our relationship and that it didn't make either relationship less than the other....they are just different. He didn't have to choose and he didn't have to feel guilty.
That was a gift I gave to my son...the freedom to know it was okay to love someone else. I have seen so many families go through a divorce and try to make their children choose one side or the other. Or when a step-parent comes into the picture the biological parent feels threatened and makes their child feel like they are betraying them. It is so sad to watch kids grow up in a situation where they are made to feel like they have to choose. Even sadder when a parent makes the other parent be the bad guy and paints them in the worst possible light to their children. No one wins here.
Patrick's dad and I have had our share of conflict but overall I think we work together for the ultimate goal of what is best for our son. And as far as Patrick's step-mom goes? I thank God for her. She loves my son. She has given him another brother and sister. She has taken care of him when he has been sick and in her home. She has given him extra grandparents and other relatives to enjoy.
Patrick came to me about a year ago and out of the blue told me he wanted to thank me for something. Now...when your 14 year old says this you pay attention because in case you don't know...teenagers are sometimes the tiniest bit self absorbed.
He said he had friends who felt like they had to pick a side in a divorce or that their step-parent was supposed to be the bad guy and that he wanted to thank me for never making him choose. That he always felt like he could love both sets of family and not feel guilty in doing so.
So if you find yourself in a divorce situation or step-parent situation trust me, how you handle it can be huge in your kid's life. Resist the urge to bash the other parent no matter how much you want to or how much you think they deserve it. Find a friend to vent to. Go to a counselor. Don't tell it to your kid. If there is fault on a side your kid will figure that out for themselves as they mature and start to understand things more. They don't need you to share your ex-spouse's dirty laundry to them. One day they will recognize parents are fallible people with their own set of issues.
I have seen over and over recently situations where kids are torn right down the middle because of a divorce and how one parent chooses to handle it or wants everyone on their side so they share things with children they aren't capable of processing and it causes such harm.
I regret deeply that my son is from a divorced family, but I am extremely grateful with how I chose to handle it going forward. He has a big heart with plenty of room to love plenty of people.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Surrounding our kids with great mentors and godly examples
I believe if you have a child that you are accountable for that child. It is your job to point them in the right direction. You can't just drop them off at a church and expect them to become spiritual. You have to take an active role. Parenting isn't a passive job where you throw them out there and hope for the best.
BUT...I also think you can give your kid so much if you help surround them with great mentors and godly examples. I can think back on my childhood and early teen years and remember amazing examples and great mentors that I had.
One of the first was Jill Dunn who was my 5 year old kindergarten teacher. I always thought she was so pretty and nice and I kept in touch with her years after I left that school. She gave me a book in 5K..."The Little Engine That Could" and she wrote me a completely encouraging note on the inside. I'll be 37 in April and I can tell you exactly where that book is and what it said on the inside.
There were numerous people that invested in me and I can remember many of them and how they played a role in the person I am today.
Connie Hudson Moore was my piano teacher from the time I was 7 until I graduated high school. She was a no nonsense instructor at Birmingham Southern College's Conservatory and she didn't let me by with anything. She knew when I hadn't practiced and she knew when I was prepared. She knew when I was trying to get by with just good enough and she called me out every single time.
We moved to Westwood Baptist Church in Forestdale when I was 13 and I have amazing memories of the people there that invested in me. Steve and DeeAnn Gray. Saint and Renee Green. Vicki Foster. Cecil and Sharon Sewell.
Teachers/Administrators throughout high school and college. Mrs. Thomas. Mr. Timmons. Mrs. Ulch. Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers. Dr. Wayne Seelbach. Mary Horton.
I could go on and on and on with people who took the time to make an impact in my life. And no matter how many people I listed I would still end up leaving out many.
I want my kids to be surrounded the same way I was. This doesn't mean they will never make a mistake...I certainly made my share...but that there are wise people around them that will encourage them to try again and that it isn't the end of the world if they fail. Creating a sense of community for kids is a huge deal. Whether it is with biological family, church family, neighbors, teachers, friends, etc.
I'm overwhelming grateful for the adults that were in my life that made an impact. Making sure to create a sense of community for our kids is crucial.
It might not take a village to raise a child but it sure does help!
BUT...I also think you can give your kid so much if you help surround them with great mentors and godly examples. I can think back on my childhood and early teen years and remember amazing examples and great mentors that I had.
One of the first was Jill Dunn who was my 5 year old kindergarten teacher. I always thought she was so pretty and nice and I kept in touch with her years after I left that school. She gave me a book in 5K..."The Little Engine That Could" and she wrote me a completely encouraging note on the inside. I'll be 37 in April and I can tell you exactly where that book is and what it said on the inside.
There were numerous people that invested in me and I can remember many of them and how they played a role in the person I am today.
Connie Hudson Moore was my piano teacher from the time I was 7 until I graduated high school. She was a no nonsense instructor at Birmingham Southern College's Conservatory and she didn't let me by with anything. She knew when I hadn't practiced and she knew when I was prepared. She knew when I was trying to get by with just good enough and she called me out every single time.
We moved to Westwood Baptist Church in Forestdale when I was 13 and I have amazing memories of the people there that invested in me. Steve and DeeAnn Gray. Saint and Renee Green. Vicki Foster. Cecil and Sharon Sewell.
Teachers/Administrators throughout high school and college. Mrs. Thomas. Mr. Timmons. Mrs. Ulch. Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers. Dr. Wayne Seelbach. Mary Horton.
I could go on and on and on with people who took the time to make an impact in my life. And no matter how many people I listed I would still end up leaving out many.
I want my kids to be surrounded the same way I was. This doesn't mean they will never make a mistake...I certainly made my share...but that there are wise people around them that will encourage them to try again and that it isn't the end of the world if they fail. Creating a sense of community for kids is a huge deal. Whether it is with biological family, church family, neighbors, teachers, friends, etc.
I'm overwhelming grateful for the adults that were in my life that made an impact. Making sure to create a sense of community for our kids is crucial.
It might not take a village to raise a child but it sure does help!
Friday, February 3, 2012
Why do we help people?
Trying to develop a heart of service in kids is sometimes difficult. We, by nature, are selfish. Add that to a world that targets that selfishness and there you go. It is all about me. It is all about my needs...what I want...the best for me. We are skeptical when someone does something for us. What is this going to cost me? What's the catch?
I grew up serving. We were always on a mission trip during the summers or feeding the homeless on Thanksgiving, gathering our gently worn clothes for a neighbor that had 3 girls younger than us, collecting money for different campaigns, taking food when someone was sick, moved into the neighborhood or had a loss in the family, etc.
My Dad would say sometimes, "Kristin is always in the middle of a cause."
I want my kids to learn how to serve but even more important, to know WHY we serve.
Back in April when tornadoes ripped through much of Alabama I took Patrick with me to serve in Pratt City, Alabama. His eyes were certainly opened. I really think seeing all that destruction reached him in his world where he doesn't think twice about having a roof over his head or possessions. Watching a family go through what is left of their home to try and salvage anything stays with you. He is a teenager and they can be some of the most selfish. They are going through so much physically and mentally and emotionally that they really do think the world revolves around them and their needs.
Josh has a heart for people but doesn't always know what to do with it. Whether it is standing up for a friend on the playground at 3 years old. {Side story: Josh had a little girl friend that he adored. Another kid pushed her off a swing or down in the sand or something and Josh charged across the playground to come to her aid}. He looked out for our neighbor on the bus when she started school and was a little nervous. He thinks about making sure he invites everybody to his birthday parties so no one feels left out. He struggles if I tell him he has to limit guests because he worries someone will have hurt feelings. He has the heart but I'm not sure he understands exactly why we do things for people at times.
Last night a friend of ours was sick and she has several small kids. It is rough having a young family and being sick. Even with a supportive husband it is hard cooking dinner and watching the little people when all you want to do is crawl into bed and not think for a day or so. I knew it would take us under an hour to make dinner and drop it by. So I rounded up the boys and told them we were going to cook together then take the food somewhere else.
Colin immediately wanted to know why we were giving food away. "Why are we taking our food away?" I explained that our friend was sick and we were in a position to help so that is what we do.
Josh decided to educate Colin..."Like when people die...Mom makes food. When a baby is born...Mom makes food. When we get new neighbors...Mom makes food. When she knows someone is having a bad day or very busy...Mom makes food. Basically...Mom cooks a lot."
Listening to him I decided to ask him if he knew why I do those things.
"Because you like to cook?"
Decided here was an opportunity for a teachable moment.
Yes. I like to cook. I enjoy having people over for dinner. That is true but also I like to help someone when they could use a little help. It can be something small...like helping a sick friend not have to think about dinner...or it can be big like raising money to buy supplies for tornado victims and giving up weekends to go help with needs.
Josh thought about this for a little while and said, "But lots of people need help. How do we help everybody?"
So we talked about using the resources we have to help where we see a need. No. We can't help everybody but we are called to help where and when we can. We have to trust that God will send someone to help the people we can't.
When we got to our friend's house Josh and Colin fought over who got to help carry the food in. Each one said, "I want to help. I want to give them something."
I guess the next lesson needs to be helping with a cheerful heart and in the right mindset?
All of us can find ways in our own little world to help. It can be bringing in a neighbor's trash can, taking them a meal when you know they are having a rough time or just remembering to pray for those who surround us and we come into contact with every day.
Helping people doesn't have to be a huge gesture. I want my kids to grow up knowing the world is bigger than them.
I grew up serving. We were always on a mission trip during the summers or feeding the homeless on Thanksgiving, gathering our gently worn clothes for a neighbor that had 3 girls younger than us, collecting money for different campaigns, taking food when someone was sick, moved into the neighborhood or had a loss in the family, etc.
My Dad would say sometimes, "Kristin is always in the middle of a cause."
I want my kids to learn how to serve but even more important, to know WHY we serve.
Back in April when tornadoes ripped through much of Alabama I took Patrick with me to serve in Pratt City, Alabama. His eyes were certainly opened. I really think seeing all that destruction reached him in his world where he doesn't think twice about having a roof over his head or possessions. Watching a family go through what is left of their home to try and salvage anything stays with you. He is a teenager and they can be some of the most selfish. They are going through so much physically and mentally and emotionally that they really do think the world revolves around them and their needs.
Josh has a heart for people but doesn't always know what to do with it. Whether it is standing up for a friend on the playground at 3 years old. {Side story: Josh had a little girl friend that he adored. Another kid pushed her off a swing or down in the sand or something and Josh charged across the playground to come to her aid}. He looked out for our neighbor on the bus when she started school and was a little nervous. He thinks about making sure he invites everybody to his birthday parties so no one feels left out. He struggles if I tell him he has to limit guests because he worries someone will have hurt feelings. He has the heart but I'm not sure he understands exactly why we do things for people at times.
Last night a friend of ours was sick and she has several small kids. It is rough having a young family and being sick. Even with a supportive husband it is hard cooking dinner and watching the little people when all you want to do is crawl into bed and not think for a day or so. I knew it would take us under an hour to make dinner and drop it by. So I rounded up the boys and told them we were going to cook together then take the food somewhere else.
Colin immediately wanted to know why we were giving food away. "Why are we taking our food away?" I explained that our friend was sick and we were in a position to help so that is what we do.
Josh decided to educate Colin..."Like when people die...Mom makes food. When a baby is born...Mom makes food. When we get new neighbors...Mom makes food. When she knows someone is having a bad day or very busy...Mom makes food. Basically...Mom cooks a lot."
Listening to him I decided to ask him if he knew why I do those things.
"Because you like to cook?"
Decided here was an opportunity for a teachable moment.
Yes. I like to cook. I enjoy having people over for dinner. That is true but also I like to help someone when they could use a little help. It can be something small...like helping a sick friend not have to think about dinner...or it can be big like raising money to buy supplies for tornado victims and giving up weekends to go help with needs.
Josh thought about this for a little while and said, "But lots of people need help. How do we help everybody?"
So we talked about using the resources we have to help where we see a need. No. We can't help everybody but we are called to help where and when we can. We have to trust that God will send someone to help the people we can't.
When we got to our friend's house Josh and Colin fought over who got to help carry the food in. Each one said, "I want to help. I want to give them something."
I guess the next lesson needs to be helping with a cheerful heart and in the right mindset?
All of us can find ways in our own little world to help. It can be bringing in a neighbor's trash can, taking them a meal when you know they are having a rough time or just remembering to pray for those who surround us and we come into contact with every day.
Helping people doesn't have to be a huge gesture. I want my kids to grow up knowing the world is bigger than them.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Ten Things I've Learned
I'm not a perfect parent. In fact there are days that were you in my home you would think a pack of wild wolves could raise kids better.
However, having 3 kids at 3 totally different stages has given me perspective. I know a few things that work and don't work.
Here's my Ten Things I have learned when it comes to being a parent:
1) Don't try to be my kid's friend. They have friends...they need a parent. There will come a day down the road when they are adults that we will move into a season of life where we have more of a friendship. That isn't when they are teenagers. If I try to act like I am their friend then it confuses them when I then turn around and try to act like the authority figure later. Be a parent not a friend...for now.
2) Be a parent that listens and makes it comfortable for your kid to come talk to you about any topic under the sun. Keep an open line of communication. Let them feel like they can trust you to listen. Sometimes all they need is your ear...not your advice or lecture.
3) Apologize to my kids when I am wrong, have lost my temper or said things to them I shouldn't say. Ask them for forgiveness when I need to. Make amends to them where I can.
4) Teach them what grace is. Offer them grace sometimes rather than punishment. Let them get a feel for the concept so down the line they know how to offer grace to others.
5) Pick your battles. Not every hill is a hill worth dying on.
6) Make sure your kid knows they are loved unconditionally. Explain the difference between being disappointed in their behavior and being disappointed in them as a person. I never tell my kids they are bad. I tell them they may have made a bad choice or decision. Behavior can be bad...kids aren't. Make sure you show them the difference.
7) Make sure my husband is the primary relationship in my home. My kids don't come before my husband. They see us taking time for one another. They know we are a united front. They know we aren't going to team up with them against the other parent.
8) Have fun together. Be silly. Laugh at yourself with your kids. Let them see you enjoying life.
9) Pray, pray, pray...then go pray some more. Let your kids hear you pray. Let them see you intercede for others. Teach them to take their concerns, fears and problems to God.
10) In the long run it doesn't matter where they go to college, what type of job they end up with, what kind of car they drive or house they live in. Those things are great and there is nothing wrong with accomplishments but in the end? I want to raise 3 boys that love God, love their families and are men of integrity.
However, having 3 kids at 3 totally different stages has given me perspective. I know a few things that work and don't work.
Here's my Ten Things I have learned when it comes to being a parent:
1) Don't try to be my kid's friend. They have friends...they need a parent. There will come a day down the road when they are adults that we will move into a season of life where we have more of a friendship. That isn't when they are teenagers. If I try to act like I am their friend then it confuses them when I then turn around and try to act like the authority figure later. Be a parent not a friend...for now.
2) Be a parent that listens and makes it comfortable for your kid to come talk to you about any topic under the sun. Keep an open line of communication. Let them feel like they can trust you to listen. Sometimes all they need is your ear...not your advice or lecture.
3) Apologize to my kids when I am wrong, have lost my temper or said things to them I shouldn't say. Ask them for forgiveness when I need to. Make amends to them where I can.
4) Teach them what grace is. Offer them grace sometimes rather than punishment. Let them get a feel for the concept so down the line they know how to offer grace to others.
5) Pick your battles. Not every hill is a hill worth dying on.
6) Make sure your kid knows they are loved unconditionally. Explain the difference between being disappointed in their behavior and being disappointed in them as a person. I never tell my kids they are bad. I tell them they may have made a bad choice or decision. Behavior can be bad...kids aren't. Make sure you show them the difference.
7) Make sure my husband is the primary relationship in my home. My kids don't come before my husband. They see us taking time for one another. They know we are a united front. They know we aren't going to team up with them against the other parent.
8) Have fun together. Be silly. Laugh at yourself with your kids. Let them see you enjoying life.
9) Pray, pray, pray...then go pray some more. Let your kids hear you pray. Let them see you intercede for others. Teach them to take their concerns, fears and problems to God.
10) In the long run it doesn't matter where they go to college, what type of job they end up with, what kind of car they drive or house they live in. Those things are great and there is nothing wrong with accomplishments but in the end? I want to raise 3 boys that love God, love their families and are men of integrity.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Standing in the Way of the Cross
Came across this story in a book I was looking through yesterday and it was such a great image.
It seems a lady was on the beach watching her young son and his father play in the surf. The waves were crashing in and she watched him play...his whole face lighting up with happiness.
But then the waves took a turn and they seemed to be getting stronger. She saw him get knocked down a couple times and her heart clenched. Should she run to him? Should she step in and scoop him up out of harm's way? She readied herself to run down to her child.
Then she realized he was still laughing and playing and that his father was right by his side, making sure he was safe. He would reach up to his father from time to time and let him lift him above the chaos. She realized that had she stepped in and taken over the situation her child would have missed an experience he was enjoying. He didn't want her at that moment. He wanted his father. He trusted his father to take care of him and keep him safe.
It then struck her how often she did that in situations in her life. Step in and take control because she thinks she knows best. Her way is the right way. She is in control.
Um...this is kinda sorta me. Maybe just a tiny bit...
And it also struck her...how many times has her doing that blocked someone from the cross? Kept them from their Father when that was what they really wanted and needed.
She made it a point to then start praying that God show her times she was blocking the cross from someone in her life. That maybe her role was to walk beside them but not to step in front of them and keep them from what they truly wanted and needed. That their Father can be trusted to take care of them and keep them safe according to His ultimate plan.
Wow. Kind of puts things in a different perspective. Here's hoping I learn to step back and out of the way with my boys at times. I don't ever want to block them from the cross.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Prayer
How do I treat prayer when it comes to my kids? John and I talked about this at great lengths recently and while we both can remember growing up going to church all the time, going on mission trips, and being active in our home churches neither of us can remember our parents praying out loud over us. I am quite confident both sets of our parents prayed FOR us and I know we always said the blessing before a meal but out loud prayers of blessings over us before we left for school or went to bed? That wasn't something either of us can remember in our homes. So we want to be intentional about letting our kids hear us praying rather than just over the dinner table each night.
John usually puts Josh and Colin to bed each night and they say prayers together. However, Josh is in a rut of saying "Just pray for the usual stuff" when asked what he would like to pray about. Colin, as I have mentioned, will pray for things ranging from animals to chicken nuggets so you just never know. We talked about not only having them say things they would like to pray for or about but also for them to hear us pray specifically for them. Nothing long and drawn out...just a prayer of blessing over them. With the two of them we are working toward having them think more about things to pray for...things they are thankful for...things that are on their hearts for their friends.
Now. Patrick. Somewhere along the way he turned into a teenager and he kind of puts himself to bed now. He doesn't really need us to tuck him in or get him one more drink of water or make sure he has the right stuffed animal to help him go to sleep. And somewhere along the way we stopped praying with or for him. I guess we fell into the trap of thinking that he's 15...he doesn't want us to do that...he should be praying on his own...he will think we are crazy...etc.
I do think Patrick is at an age where his relationship with Christ is just that...HIS relationship. It should no longer be what me or John want for him but needs to be more of his personal connection. HOWEVER, we have missed the boat on continuing to let him hear us pray over him and let him know that not only do we pray FOR him but WITH him.
So I decided a few weeks ago that I would go up to his room before he went to bed and I would pray over him. I was all geared up to do it...I gathered my thoughts...I walked up the stairs...I stood outside of his door...and...I chickened out. I went in, said goodnight and then walked back down to our room all mad at myself and confused by my feelings. Why would I be scared to go pray for my kid? What was wrong with me?
Jump to the next night. I'm going to do this. I CAN pray with my child. Come on, Kristin! Get it together! I gathered my thoughts. I walked up the stairs and I noticed I had butterflies in my stomach. My hands felt clammy.
This isn't exactly great spiritual parenting if you are nervous about going up to pray for your child. I felt like a complete and utter failure and started to turn back around and tell myself that Patrick was too old for this. He didn't want his Mom to come pray over him before he went to bed. This is something I should have been doing from the time he was little bitty...not something to start at his age.
Then God convicted my heart so strongly that that was EXACTLY what my child needed whether he was 15 or 18 or 20...that from here on out he needs to have his Mother pray over him for every single night he is sleeping under my roof.
So I marched myself right up the stairs and walked boldly into his room and asked him if he could shut down his computer game. He asked if he was in trouble and I told him that no...I wanted to pray for him before he went to bed.
And that 15 year old teenager who I thought didn't want his Mom to stand over him and pray, stood up and walked toward me (He is now about 1/2 an inch taller than I am) wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder without saying a word. And I prayed for him. For his safety. For him to remember who he belongs to and to always reflect God's love to those around him. And I prayed for the young lady that will one day be his wife...for her to be a godly wife for my son and a godly mother for the children I hope God blesses him with.
Nothing deep in theology...no flowery prose...just a quick prayer of thanksgiving for God allowing me to be the mother of such a neat kid and for God to continue to guide him and keep him.
My kid who I thought would think I'm crazy (and he still might) pulled away and said, "Thanks, Mom" and gave me a quick hug and settled in for the night.
If you don't pray out loud over your kids, consider doing so. I know as parents we pray for our kids silently constantly. We want the very best for them. We want to protect them from all the yuck out there and we want them to grow into happy, successful people. But, our most important role as a parent is to always point them to the cross.
We are still working out the kinks in our night-time routines and I can't say that since that night I haven't forgotten once or twice as we got caught up in the rush of the day ending but it is something we are definitely doing more consistently.
Let your kids hear you pray out loud...not just over the dinner table...but hear you pray for them.
John usually puts Josh and Colin to bed each night and they say prayers together. However, Josh is in a rut of saying "Just pray for the usual stuff" when asked what he would like to pray about. Colin, as I have mentioned, will pray for things ranging from animals to chicken nuggets so you just never know. We talked about not only having them say things they would like to pray for or about but also for them to hear us pray specifically for them. Nothing long and drawn out...just a prayer of blessing over them. With the two of them we are working toward having them think more about things to pray for...things they are thankful for...things that are on their hearts for their friends.
Now. Patrick. Somewhere along the way he turned into a teenager and he kind of puts himself to bed now. He doesn't really need us to tuck him in or get him one more drink of water or make sure he has the right stuffed animal to help him go to sleep. And somewhere along the way we stopped praying with or for him. I guess we fell into the trap of thinking that he's 15...he doesn't want us to do that...he should be praying on his own...he will think we are crazy...etc.
I do think Patrick is at an age where his relationship with Christ is just that...HIS relationship. It should no longer be what me or John want for him but needs to be more of his personal connection. HOWEVER, we have missed the boat on continuing to let him hear us pray over him and let him know that not only do we pray FOR him but WITH him.
So I decided a few weeks ago that I would go up to his room before he went to bed and I would pray over him. I was all geared up to do it...I gathered my thoughts...I walked up the stairs...I stood outside of his door...and...I chickened out. I went in, said goodnight and then walked back down to our room all mad at myself and confused by my feelings. Why would I be scared to go pray for my kid? What was wrong with me?
Jump to the next night. I'm going to do this. I CAN pray with my child. Come on, Kristin! Get it together! I gathered my thoughts. I walked up the stairs and I noticed I had butterflies in my stomach. My hands felt clammy.
This isn't exactly great spiritual parenting if you are nervous about going up to pray for your child. I felt like a complete and utter failure and started to turn back around and tell myself that Patrick was too old for this. He didn't want his Mom to come pray over him before he went to bed. This is something I should have been doing from the time he was little bitty...not something to start at his age.
Then God convicted my heart so strongly that that was EXACTLY what my child needed whether he was 15 or 18 or 20...that from here on out he needs to have his Mother pray over him for every single night he is sleeping under my roof.
So I marched myself right up the stairs and walked boldly into his room and asked him if he could shut down his computer game. He asked if he was in trouble and I told him that no...I wanted to pray for him before he went to bed.
And that 15 year old teenager who I thought didn't want his Mom to stand over him and pray, stood up and walked toward me (He is now about 1/2 an inch taller than I am) wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder without saying a word. And I prayed for him. For his safety. For him to remember who he belongs to and to always reflect God's love to those around him. And I prayed for the young lady that will one day be his wife...for her to be a godly wife for my son and a godly mother for the children I hope God blesses him with.
Nothing deep in theology...no flowery prose...just a quick prayer of thanksgiving for God allowing me to be the mother of such a neat kid and for God to continue to guide him and keep him.
My kid who I thought would think I'm crazy (and he still might) pulled away and said, "Thanks, Mom" and gave me a quick hug and settled in for the night.
If you don't pray out loud over your kids, consider doing so. I know as parents we pray for our kids silently constantly. We want the very best for them. We want to protect them from all the yuck out there and we want them to grow into happy, successful people. But, our most important role as a parent is to always point them to the cross.
We are still working out the kinks in our night-time routines and I can't say that since that night I haven't forgotten once or twice as we got caught up in the rush of the day ending but it is something we are definitely doing more consistently.
Let your kids hear you pray out loud...not just over the dinner table...but hear you pray for them.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Gather round the table
Out of a 7 day week we eat all together around the kitchen table at least 5 nights. Tuesdays are Patrick's guitar lessons so we usually grab Subway and Wednesdays I eat with my family at Celebrate Recovery and the boys plus Daddy have pizza or Chinese. They call it their Guy Night.
I hear so many people say they never eat together or everybody does their own thing at dinner and to me that is so sad. Even if you can only commit to eating as a family 2 or 3 nights a week it is worth it. It is such a perfect time to talk and listen to your kids.
I go around the table and ask each person what was the best part of their day and what was the worst part. Sometimes the boys are silly with their answers..."The best part of my day was walking through that door and seeing your smiling face!" Or "The worst part of my day was realizing that we wouldn't have cereal for dinner."
Yesterday we took advantage of the great afternoon and played outside for a little while. Once we came in I worked on homework with Josh (20 minutes of Math with no tears!) while Patrick read next to Colin while he played on the Nook. With 3 boys in the house there is a lot of activity most afternoons. A LOT of activity. At times I will walk into my living room and see a pile of boys wrestling around on the floor much like you see wolf puppies do at times on those nature shows. To have a peaceful afternoon so I could focus on homework with Josh and Patrick kept an eye on Colin was a treat.
After homework, I pulled out everything to make dinner and Josh came in to ask if he could help. Truth be told I can make dinner a lot faster without his "help" but it seemed important to him so I let him take over some of the minor things.
When John walked through the door at 6PM we sat down to our meal. This is probably my one 1950's housewife trait...I like to have dinner on the table when he gets home from work. Luckily I only work until 3PM so I'm able to do this...I know if I had to work until 5PM it would be much more difficult. Josh was all about telling his Daddy how he helped make dinner.
As we were going around the table last night sharing our best and worst parts of the day Josh said, "The very best part of my day was being in the kitchen with you and helping you cook and learning how to make food taste good." Josh is usually my child that has a long list of the worst parts of his day and last night when asked he said, "You know...I can't think of a single bad thing that happened today."
If you don't already spend some time gathered around a meal with your kids I challenge you to give it a whirl. I know it's hard to do if you work and the kids have homework and various after school commitments but even setting it as a tradition one night a week is huge.
I hear so many people say they never eat together or everybody does their own thing at dinner and to me that is so sad. Even if you can only commit to eating as a family 2 or 3 nights a week it is worth it. It is such a perfect time to talk and listen to your kids.
I go around the table and ask each person what was the best part of their day and what was the worst part. Sometimes the boys are silly with their answers..."The best part of my day was walking through that door and seeing your smiling face!" Or "The worst part of my day was realizing that we wouldn't have cereal for dinner."
Yesterday we took advantage of the great afternoon and played outside for a little while. Once we came in I worked on homework with Josh (20 minutes of Math with no tears!) while Patrick read next to Colin while he played on the Nook. With 3 boys in the house there is a lot of activity most afternoons. A LOT of activity. At times I will walk into my living room and see a pile of boys wrestling around on the floor much like you see wolf puppies do at times on those nature shows. To have a peaceful afternoon so I could focus on homework with Josh and Patrick kept an eye on Colin was a treat.
After homework, I pulled out everything to make dinner and Josh came in to ask if he could help. Truth be told I can make dinner a lot faster without his "help" but it seemed important to him so I let him take over some of the minor things.
When John walked through the door at 6PM we sat down to our meal. This is probably my one 1950's housewife trait...I like to have dinner on the table when he gets home from work. Luckily I only work until 3PM so I'm able to do this...I know if I had to work until 5PM it would be much more difficult. Josh was all about telling his Daddy how he helped make dinner.
As we were going around the table last night sharing our best and worst parts of the day Josh said, "The very best part of my day was being in the kitchen with you and helping you cook and learning how to make food taste good." Josh is usually my child that has a long list of the worst parts of his day and last night when asked he said, "You know...I can't think of a single bad thing that happened today."
If you don't already spend some time gathered around a meal with your kids I challenge you to give it a whirl. I know it's hard to do if you work and the kids have homework and various after school commitments but even setting it as a tradition one night a week is huge.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Random Things
No time for a big long thought provoking post today so just some randomness...
I love when I pick Colin up from daycare he says, "Mommy...turn the music off and let's talk about Jesus some." Then we do the question/answer of his "The Things I Know" and then he comes up with other questions like..."Did God make animals?" "Was God the first boy?" "Is God a girl?" And my personal favorite so far: "Does God tinkle in the potty?"
I also love that he is starting to ask to pray. Now right now his prayers consist of thanking God for people he loves, asking God to keep the animals safe and thanking God for chicken nuggets. Josh is mortified by these prayers..."MOM! He is thanking God for chicken nuggets...you don't pray about chicken nuggets! Are you going to let him do that?"
I love that Josh has a heart for people. He doesn't always know how to verbalize his thoughts/feelings but he is the first one to take his extra change to Sunday School to help buy chickens and goats for people in Africa. He is the first one to take his candy and break it in half to share with Colin. When we were at Disney in October our travel agent had sent the boys several of those glow stick things you can link together and make bracelets and whatnot. We broke them out at the Halloween parade and there were several kids sitting around us. Before I knew it Josh was taking the bracelets and passing them out. This year we want to find ways to help develop this compassion in Josh. He is shy and quiet and it is out of his comfort zone to put himself out there so we want to help him feel more comfortable or at least take some risks.
I love that Patrick even at 15 years old will still run out to chase down my car if I leave for work and forget to hug him goodbye. I love that each morning he sends me a text to say "Hi" or to "Have a good day." Like I said yesterday, he has his teenage moments but overall I've hit the jackpot when it comes to my kids.
I've never been a parent that thinks my kids are perfect and every single tiny thing they do is worth the entire world stopping and taking notice. I know that sometimes they can be selfish, annoying, tattling, whiny and complaining kids who screw up but I think they are pretty awesome and I love them warts and all.
That's okay because sometimes I can be selfish, annoying, tattling, whiny and complaining and boy, oh boy, can I screw up, but my heavenly Abba Father thinks I'm pretty awesome and loves me warts and all too.
I love when I pick Colin up from daycare he says, "Mommy...turn the music off and let's talk about Jesus some." Then we do the question/answer of his "The Things I Know" and then he comes up with other questions like..."Did God make animals?" "Was God the first boy?" "Is God a girl?" And my personal favorite so far: "Does God tinkle in the potty?"
I also love that he is starting to ask to pray. Now right now his prayers consist of thanking God for people he loves, asking God to keep the animals safe and thanking God for chicken nuggets. Josh is mortified by these prayers..."MOM! He is thanking God for chicken nuggets...you don't pray about chicken nuggets! Are you going to let him do that?"
I love that Josh has a heart for people. He doesn't always know how to verbalize his thoughts/feelings but he is the first one to take his extra change to Sunday School to help buy chickens and goats for people in Africa. He is the first one to take his candy and break it in half to share with Colin. When we were at Disney in October our travel agent had sent the boys several of those glow stick things you can link together and make bracelets and whatnot. We broke them out at the Halloween parade and there were several kids sitting around us. Before I knew it Josh was taking the bracelets and passing them out. This year we want to find ways to help develop this compassion in Josh. He is shy and quiet and it is out of his comfort zone to put himself out there so we want to help him feel more comfortable or at least take some risks.
I love that Patrick even at 15 years old will still run out to chase down my car if I leave for work and forget to hug him goodbye. I love that each morning he sends me a text to say "Hi" or to "Have a good day." Like I said yesterday, he has his teenage moments but overall I've hit the jackpot when it comes to my kids.
I've never been a parent that thinks my kids are perfect and every single tiny thing they do is worth the entire world stopping and taking notice. I know that sometimes they can be selfish, annoying, tattling, whiny and complaining kids who screw up but I think they are pretty awesome and I love them warts and all.
That's okay because sometimes I can be selfish, annoying, tattling, whiny and complaining and boy, oh boy, can I screw up, but my heavenly Abba Father thinks I'm pretty awesome and loves me warts and all too.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Independence and Balance
If you currently have or ever have had a teenager then you will totally get this post. If you don't have a teenager yet but your kidlets are still little people who think you know everything and love you all the time then let me just tell you...your day is coming.
Patrick and I have always had a cool bond. My pregnancy with him was touch and go due to many stress factors and health concerns. He was induced 4 weeks early and was 4 pounds when he was born. We left the hospital and went home to my parent's house for a few days and I was his primary caretaker from then on out until John and I married when Patrick was 4. We are a lot alike...this is sometimes a problem. I get Patrick and where he is coming from much of the time.
He turned 15 back in November and he has entered those later teenage years full throttle. He knows more than I do. He thinks I'm ridiculous, over protective, controlling and that everything I do is with the end goal to try and make his life miserable.
I remember 15 too. I thought my mother was ridiculous, over protective, controlling and that everything she did was with the end goal to try and make my life miserable. Turns out that wasn't exactly true as I look back on it from my 36 year old perspective. Wait....36...is that right? Am I 36 now...hold up...2012 minus 1975. Yep...look at that...I'm 36 until April. When did that happen?
I digress. So...Patrick is at the stage where he wants to be independent. He wants to make his own choices and he wants us to just sit back and finance these choices and never tell him our opinion or why something he is leaning toward might not be the best option.
Time out for a second: Patrick is a good kid. I have no complaints for the most part. He's polite. He's smart. He stays out of trouble. He has his moments like all kids do but overall? He's a good egg. That doesn't mean he isn't all hormones and angst and an eye rolling teenager either. OH...HE IS.
We are in that funny position where how much do we let him make some of his own choices, even if we disagree, and how much do we just lay down the law and he can like it or lump it? This is a tricky slope to be on.
While it is really awesome to see him think things through and make his own conclusions and see him turning into this independent person it also is hard to sit back and not intervene when we feel he is making an unwise decision.
I imagine this is much like God feels with us at times. He sees us making an unwise choice and he can see down the line and knows the pain it will bring us but we want our independence so he has to sit back and let us hit those brick walls at times.
You may remember we had a discussion last week about Drill Team. Patrick has now decided to quit Drill Team. And by "decided to quit" I mean he already went and quit and just filled us in after it was a done deal. He doesn't like the way things are being handled. He doesn't like the time commitment. He feels it isn't a good use of his time. Okay. So...we went back and forth. Do we let him quit? Do we insist he follow through this year and he can decide if he wants to participate next year or not? Should we talk to the instructor and get his version of how things are handled? Just numerous questions on how to handle.
And so it begins. Teenagers sometimes go through this phase where they withdraw. They are trying to figure out what they want to do and what they want to skip. Things they seemed to show an interest in fall by the wayside and then they are interested in all these new things. It can be both good and bad depending on what things are replacing others.
It is frustrating as a parent because you struggle with which things you should let them let go and which things you should insist they do.
I wish I could say I have it figured out and here is the solution...but I don't. We still go round and round on how you manage their independence while also balancing out things you feel are important for them to participate in.
If I ever figure it out I'll write a book and let everybody else in on the secret. For now, we are trying to honor his choices in some areas and not give in on others that we feel are important.
And if you are a parent with little people who still think you hung the moon....treasure it. I hear that the teenagers eventually come back around and while they never think you hung the moon again they do start to appreciate the sacrifices you make and get where you are coming from one day.
I know for me it all came back around when I held that little 4 pound bundle and knew I would do anything to keep him safe. I got my parents a lot more then.
Patrick and I have always had a cool bond. My pregnancy with him was touch and go due to many stress factors and health concerns. He was induced 4 weeks early and was 4 pounds when he was born. We left the hospital and went home to my parent's house for a few days and I was his primary caretaker from then on out until John and I married when Patrick was 4. We are a lot alike...this is sometimes a problem. I get Patrick and where he is coming from much of the time.
He turned 15 back in November and he has entered those later teenage years full throttle. He knows more than I do. He thinks I'm ridiculous, over protective, controlling and that everything I do is with the end goal to try and make his life miserable.
I remember 15 too. I thought my mother was ridiculous, over protective, controlling and that everything she did was with the end goal to try and make my life miserable. Turns out that wasn't exactly true as I look back on it from my 36 year old perspective. Wait....36...is that right? Am I 36 now...hold up...2012 minus 1975. Yep...look at that...I'm 36 until April. When did that happen?
I digress. So...Patrick is at the stage where he wants to be independent. He wants to make his own choices and he wants us to just sit back and finance these choices and never tell him our opinion or why something he is leaning toward might not be the best option.
Time out for a second: Patrick is a good kid. I have no complaints for the most part. He's polite. He's smart. He stays out of trouble. He has his moments like all kids do but overall? He's a good egg. That doesn't mean he isn't all hormones and angst and an eye rolling teenager either. OH...HE IS.
We are in that funny position where how much do we let him make some of his own choices, even if we disagree, and how much do we just lay down the law and he can like it or lump it? This is a tricky slope to be on.
While it is really awesome to see him think things through and make his own conclusions and see him turning into this independent person it also is hard to sit back and not intervene when we feel he is making an unwise decision.
I imagine this is much like God feels with us at times. He sees us making an unwise choice and he can see down the line and knows the pain it will bring us but we want our independence so he has to sit back and let us hit those brick walls at times.
You may remember we had a discussion last week about Drill Team. Patrick has now decided to quit Drill Team. And by "decided to quit" I mean he already went and quit and just filled us in after it was a done deal. He doesn't like the way things are being handled. He doesn't like the time commitment. He feels it isn't a good use of his time. Okay. So...we went back and forth. Do we let him quit? Do we insist he follow through this year and he can decide if he wants to participate next year or not? Should we talk to the instructor and get his version of how things are handled? Just numerous questions on how to handle.
And so it begins. Teenagers sometimes go through this phase where they withdraw. They are trying to figure out what they want to do and what they want to skip. Things they seemed to show an interest in fall by the wayside and then they are interested in all these new things. It can be both good and bad depending on what things are replacing others.
It is frustrating as a parent because you struggle with which things you should let them let go and which things you should insist they do.
I wish I could say I have it figured out and here is the solution...but I don't. We still go round and round on how you manage their independence while also balancing out things you feel are important for them to participate in.
If I ever figure it out I'll write a book and let everybody else in on the secret. For now, we are trying to honor his choices in some areas and not give in on others that we feel are important.
And if you are a parent with little people who still think you hung the moon....treasure it. I hear that the teenagers eventually come back around and while they never think you hung the moon again they do start to appreciate the sacrifices you make and get where you are coming from one day.
I know for me it all came back around when I held that little 4 pound bundle and knew I would do anything to keep him safe. I got my parents a lot more then.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Meet Our Other 2 Kids
This is Mercy. She lives in Kenya. After sponsoring Palden I felt drawn to take on another child so January 28, 2010 we became Mercy's sponsors. She is on our fridge as well. She is 11.
Each month we are drafted what amounts to one meal out for our family and that money is sent to provide for educational and physical needs for Palden and Mercy. Once a year we send an extra Family Gift that they are allowed to use to purchase items for their homes or livestock to help them provide for their families. At Christmas we are allowed to send another extra gift. For birthdays we are allowed to send up to $25 to provide for some special things for our child.
Both Palden and Mercy have written to us to thank us from their families and to share with us what they were able to purchase. Some of their favorite things over the last 2 years have been a goat, chickens, bedsheets, underwear and new school supplies.
Both Palden and Mercy love them some Jesus. They write such heartfelt letters and ask about their brothers...Patrick...Josh...Colin and how they are doing in their studies and with their chores. :o)
If you are in any way able to take on sponsoring a child through Compassion this is an amazing way to introduce your child to someone else on the other side of the world and build a relationship by investing in them.
As part of our living deliberately we are going to step up our letter writing to Palden and Mercy each month and see if we can possibly take on one more child. How cool it would be to have a sponsored child for each of my biological children.
It is one of my dreams to one day be able to go on a Compassion trip and meet both of my other kids and their mothers. But, should that never happen how awesome to know I'll meet them one day after this world ends.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Apologizing to our kids
I'm not good with apologies. I struggle saying I am wrong. Step 10 in Celebrate Recovery is: We continued to take a personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
Yeah...that one stings.
Wednesday afternoon I was working with Josh on his homework. Josh is my child that I have the hardest time relating to. I love him to tiny little pieces but I don't get his personality many times. He is very sensitive. He takes things deeply personal. No matter how you say something to Josh he doesn't do well with anything negative.
I tend to separate people into 2 categories: You are a Fluffy Bunny or you are a Porcupine. I'm a Porcupine. Josh is a Fluffy Bunny. Both have their pros and cons.
Working on this homework...MATH...which I don't speak...he was not focusing because he was thinking about his friend coming over to spend the afternoon with us while his Mom had to take care of something with the other kids. He was making careless mistakes and I was frustrated. I had asked him several times to focus and to try the problem again and he just shuts down.
Finally I yelled, (I yell sometimes. I know it isn't a good thing and I'm sure none of you ever do it) "Are you kidding me right now? This is 3rd grade Math, Josh. You are in 4th grade...COME ON!"
And those Bambi eyes tear up and he puts his pencil down and he is done. We struggle through the final problem and then I leave for church feeling frustrated and upset and guilty because of the yelling which I know none of you ever do.
He was already in bed when I got home from CR Wednesday night then I left early on Thursday morning so that afternoon I had to go to him and apologize. We don't do this enough as parents when we screw up. We need to apologize and leave out all the reasons and justifications and just tell them "Hey...I'm sorry. I was wrong with the way I handled that. I'll try better next time. Can you forgive me?"
I don't think this makes our kids be in control nor does it diminish our authority as the parent but it teaches them how to give grace to someone. How will they learn to be adults who can admit when they are wrong and ask for forgiveness if we don't teach it to them when they are kids? It isn't something you just grasp all of a sudden when you reach the magic age of 18 and are considered to be an adult.
So...the lesson for today? Learning how to apologize to my kids. Showing them humility and what it looks like to recognize when I'm wrong and to let them extend grace toward me.
Yeah...that one stings.
Wednesday afternoon I was working with Josh on his homework. Josh is my child that I have the hardest time relating to. I love him to tiny little pieces but I don't get his personality many times. He is very sensitive. He takes things deeply personal. No matter how you say something to Josh he doesn't do well with anything negative.
I tend to separate people into 2 categories: You are a Fluffy Bunny or you are a Porcupine. I'm a Porcupine. Josh is a Fluffy Bunny. Both have their pros and cons.
Working on this homework...MATH...which I don't speak...he was not focusing because he was thinking about his friend coming over to spend the afternoon with us while his Mom had to take care of something with the other kids. He was making careless mistakes and I was frustrated. I had asked him several times to focus and to try the problem again and he just shuts down.
Finally I yelled, (I yell sometimes. I know it isn't a good thing and I'm sure none of you ever do it) "Are you kidding me right now? This is 3rd grade Math, Josh. You are in 4th grade...COME ON!"
And those Bambi eyes tear up and he puts his pencil down and he is done. We struggle through the final problem and then I leave for church feeling frustrated and upset and guilty because of the yelling which I know none of you ever do.
He was already in bed when I got home from CR Wednesday night then I left early on Thursday morning so that afternoon I had to go to him and apologize. We don't do this enough as parents when we screw up. We need to apologize and leave out all the reasons and justifications and just tell them "Hey...I'm sorry. I was wrong with the way I handled that. I'll try better next time. Can you forgive me?"
I don't think this makes our kids be in control nor does it diminish our authority as the parent but it teaches them how to give grace to someone. How will they learn to be adults who can admit when they are wrong and ask for forgiveness if we don't teach it to them when they are kids? It isn't something you just grasp all of a sudden when you reach the magic age of 18 and are considered to be an adult.
So...the lesson for today? Learning how to apologize to my kids. Showing them humility and what it looks like to recognize when I'm wrong and to let them extend grace toward me.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Whatever consumes you eventually conforms you
This was a central theme in a guest pastor's sermon we had in 2008. I ran across my notes from it earlier today and wanted to revisit it in relation to how I want my kids to spend their time/resources/gifts. Really think about it. What consumes you eventually conforms you.
His sermon was titled, "Worship Matters" and we walked through what idols are in our lives that replace God. Everyone is a worshipper...the question becomes...what is it that you are worshipping?
Money? Success? Relationships? Your kids? Sports? Want to guess how many uncomfortable people there were when he made the comment, "How many Sundays have you missed worshipping your God because your child had a ballgame?" Couple of very loud AMENS. I go to a church where we have a precious man that sits on the very front row and when he agrees with something you can bet he expresses it. Love him!
Psalms 115: 1-8
Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness.
Why do the nations say, "Where is their God?"
Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him.
But their idols are silver and gold, made by the hands of men.
They have mouths, but cannot speak, eyes, but they cannot see;
they have ears, but cannot hear, noses, but they cannot smell;
they have hands, but cannot feel, feet, but they cannot walk;
nor can they utter a sound with their throats.
Those who make them will be like them, and so will all who trust in them.
Their idols are silver and gold...pretty to look at...but useless. They have mouths, eyes, ears, noses, hands and feet but can do nothing.
I think people are born with wanting a purpose, a goal, a plan, a place to fit, longing, desire to belong to something bigger than themselves, etc. This is why I think there are so many addictions out there. People looking for something to make them feel whole. Alcohol. Drugs. Sex. Exercise. Shopping. Eating. Money. Success. Being a super parent. Being a super spouse. Being a super anything. Something to make us feel complete. There is nothing wrong with having ambition or goals but does it consume my life? For me, my job consumed my life for 10 years. I ate slept and breathed work. I was climbing that corporate ladder...ambition ruled me. In an instant it was taken away from me and for a while I felt my identity was gone. So I had to learn who I was again and what I learned is that a job doesn't define me. My identity is found in Christ alone.
To find out what you worship follow the trail of how you spend your time, your money, your thoughts...If I'm consumed by something I'm going to shape my life around it. I'm going to want to do whatever I can to be filled with it. It will be an overwhelming desire for me to draw near to it, to learn all I can about it, to have it all around me.
That's my prayer. To be consumed with Christ. It may sound crazy to you but oh the desire of my heart is for me and my family to be consumed. To have as much passion for my God as I see others have for a sports team or a relationship or a job or a hobby...
I'm so not there but I pray I step closer every day...that I learn from my failures...that I trust in God's perfect plan even when I can't see how it works...that I live a life of example and not just words.
That I show my kids daily how to be consumed with the right things.
His sermon was titled, "Worship Matters" and we walked through what idols are in our lives that replace God. Everyone is a worshipper...the question becomes...what is it that you are worshipping?
Money? Success? Relationships? Your kids? Sports? Want to guess how many uncomfortable people there were when he made the comment, "How many Sundays have you missed worshipping your God because your child had a ballgame?" Couple of very loud AMENS. I go to a church where we have a precious man that sits on the very front row and when he agrees with something you can bet he expresses it. Love him!
Psalms 115: 1-8
Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness.
Why do the nations say, "Where is their God?"
Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him.
But their idols are silver and gold, made by the hands of men.
They have mouths, but cannot speak, eyes, but they cannot see;
they have ears, but cannot hear, noses, but they cannot smell;
they have hands, but cannot feel, feet, but they cannot walk;
nor can they utter a sound with their throats.
Those who make them will be like them, and so will all who trust in them.
Their idols are silver and gold...pretty to look at...but useless. They have mouths, eyes, ears, noses, hands and feet but can do nothing.
I think people are born with wanting a purpose, a goal, a plan, a place to fit, longing, desire to belong to something bigger than themselves, etc. This is why I think there are so many addictions out there. People looking for something to make them feel whole. Alcohol. Drugs. Sex. Exercise. Shopping. Eating. Money. Success. Being a super parent. Being a super spouse. Being a super anything. Something to make us feel complete. There is nothing wrong with having ambition or goals but does it consume my life? For me, my job consumed my life for 10 years. I ate slept and breathed work. I was climbing that corporate ladder...ambition ruled me. In an instant it was taken away from me and for a while I felt my identity was gone. So I had to learn who I was again and what I learned is that a job doesn't define me. My identity is found in Christ alone.
To find out what you worship follow the trail of how you spend your time, your money, your thoughts...If I'm consumed by something I'm going to shape my life around it. I'm going to want to do whatever I can to be filled with it. It will be an overwhelming desire for me to draw near to it, to learn all I can about it, to have it all around me.
That's my prayer. To be consumed with Christ. It may sound crazy to you but oh the desire of my heart is for me and my family to be consumed. To have as much passion for my God as I see others have for a sports team or a relationship or a job or a hobby...
I'm so not there but I pray I step closer every day...that I learn from my failures...that I trust in God's perfect plan even when I can't see how it works...that I live a life of example and not just words.
That I show my kids daily how to be consumed with the right things.
Biblical truths I want my kids to know
Colin is a sponge. Seriously...he soaks up every tiny piece of information even when you think he isn't listening. I decided I wanted to work with him on learning truths about God but where to start? Would he be able to concentrate and memorize things and really get them? Would he find it enjoyable or would he just be memorizing facts but not know the meaning behind them?
I ran across Catechism for Small Children...you can find the link on this blog under the Helpful Links category. Our Youth Minister mentioned he and his wife do something similar with their children and the idea intrigued me.
So one afternoon after I picked Colin up from daycare I asked him, "Colin...who made you?" and he quickly said, "You did." So we talked about that and that Mommy and Daddy loved each other very much and wanted to add another sweet baby to our family so we prayed for God to give us one. That my body carried him but that God placed him there so God made him. He thought about it for a little while and decided he was good with that then he said, "Tell me another thing about God." Our afternoon ritual was born.
He calls these question/answers "The Things I Know" and almost each afternoon he will say, "Mommy...teach me another thing to know."
So far he knows the following:
Who made you? God
Why did he make you? For his glory. {He started out with "For his glory...and to play cars" and we went with that. Eventually after talking more about it he dropped the playing cars part}.
What else did God make? EVERYTHING. This comes with huge hand motions.
Where is God? EVERYWHERE. Again...hand motions.
How many gods are there? There is only one God.
Who is God's son? Jesus.
How do we show God we love him? By doing the things he says to do.
I am in awe of how quickly he is grasping the information but not only repeating facts back to me but asking questions and taking the thoughts out further in his 3 year old way.
I don't expect him to be able to spout theology and explain the Trinity to me just yet but it is way cool to hear him speak truth.
I ran across Catechism for Small Children...you can find the link on this blog under the Helpful Links category. Our Youth Minister mentioned he and his wife do something similar with their children and the idea intrigued me.
So one afternoon after I picked Colin up from daycare I asked him, "Colin...who made you?" and he quickly said, "You did." So we talked about that and that Mommy and Daddy loved each other very much and wanted to add another sweet baby to our family so we prayed for God to give us one. That my body carried him but that God placed him there so God made him. He thought about it for a little while and decided he was good with that then he said, "Tell me another thing about God." Our afternoon ritual was born.
He calls these question/answers "The Things I Know" and almost each afternoon he will say, "Mommy...teach me another thing to know."
So far he knows the following:
Who made you? God
Why did he make you? For his glory. {He started out with "For his glory...and to play cars" and we went with that. Eventually after talking more about it he dropped the playing cars part}.
What else did God make? EVERYTHING. This comes with huge hand motions.
Where is God? EVERYWHERE. Again...hand motions.
How many gods are there? There is only one God.
Who is God's son? Jesus.
How do we show God we love him? By doing the things he says to do.
I am in awe of how quickly he is grasping the information but not only repeating facts back to me but asking questions and taking the thoughts out further in his 3 year old way.
I don't expect him to be able to spout theology and explain the Trinity to me just yet but it is way cool to hear him speak truth.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Commitments
I don't know about you but I sometimes find myself completely burning the candle at both ends and feeling overwhelmed like something has to give.
I have learned in the past few years to say "No" at times and not feel guilty if I'm stressed and need to re-evaluate what I have on my plate. Remember when Jesus took a break from the crowds to get away and rest and get some focus? Yeah? If Jesus needed to do then I surely do. Honoring our commitments but also being mindful of how much we can realistically do is a hard thing to master. You don't want to have so much stuff going on that you are only giving 25% to 4 things instead of being all in to one thing.
Patrick called me on my drive home yesterday to tell me he needed to be logged on the computer when I got home to work on this big Journalism project. {Sidenote: We don't leave our computer logged on and just open for the kids to use at any time. It is password protected and they have to come to one of us and ask to be logged on when they need it or want to play a game or whatever. If you don't have your computer password protected, use some type of monitoring program or have time limits for computer time I strongly suggest you think about implementing something}.
Seeing that it was only 3:15 and I know he has Drill Team Practice until 5PM my spidey senses were on high alert so I asked why he wasn't at drill. After much hemming and hawing (Is "hemming and hawing" a Southern thing? Do my Northern friends say this? If not, you should) he finally came to the point that he was given the assignment on Friday and had all of the long holiday weekend to work on it but he "forgot" and therefore he needed to get it all done last night. Did I mention he has guitar lessons from 6:00--6:30 on Tuesdays which means we have to leave our house at 5:30 and don't get home until 7PM?
After I expressed frustration with this I told him I would log him on when I got home at 4PM but he could not use the computer for anything later in the night other than the homework assignment.
This made him an unhappy camper. "Wait. What? What about when I'm finished with the assignment?"
I explained that he made a commitment to be on Drill Team and they practice 3 days a week most weeks. By skipping out on practice to do an assignment at the last minute he was not honoring the commitment he made. He chose not to do the assignment over the weekend and he chose to skip out on drill. Because of these choices there were consequences...namely he was going to have to rush to get the assignment done and probably not put forth his best effort and he lost computer privileges for the night.
For those who don't have teenagers yet...taking away the computer seems to be akin to cutting off one of their limbs with no anesthesia then pouring pure alcohol on it. See also: "Taking away the cellphone" and I'm guessing "Taking away the car" at a later date.
He argued his point that as long as he got the assignment done he didn't see why he was being punished. So...we went back over it again. Had he worked on the assignment over the weekend he wouldn't have felt the need to skip drill and then he wouldn't have been grounded from the computer for the evening. Choices have consequences.
His 15 year old resolution was "Fine. I'll quit drill!" I think it was at this point I had to start doing some deep breathing exercises but I managed to keep it together and tell him that if felt like quitting drill was what he needed to do then we would honor that choice but he needed to remember he needs some extracurricular activities on his resume. Just being a good student doesn't cut it anymore with colleges. They want you well rounded and to show leadership skills.
He worked on the assignment for a little while before we had to leave for guitar lessons. It worked out where it would just be the two of us on the drive down to Montevallo. Now some people would call this a "teaching moment" but I call it "trapped in the car with no escape so you have to at least pretend you are listening to me".
I talked to him about commitments and why it is so important to honor things we say we will do. That the whole "your word is your bond" thing is a big deal. Being a person of integrity goes a long way. Think about it. If someone has lied to you or let you down when you depended on them it stings and we remember it. If this same person has done it time and time again then we don't think of them as being a trustworthy or dependable person.
I also talked to him a little about this year and things we want to try as a family. We talked about stretching ourselves, getting out of our comfort zones and being more obedient instead of doing "just enough" with our lives.
I think he glazed out about 15 minutes into the drive so I figured that was enough for one night.
Hopefully the lesson learned for today: Honoring our commitments.
I have learned in the past few years to say "No" at times and not feel guilty if I'm stressed and need to re-evaluate what I have on my plate. Remember when Jesus took a break from the crowds to get away and rest and get some focus? Yeah? If Jesus needed to do then I surely do. Honoring our commitments but also being mindful of how much we can realistically do is a hard thing to master. You don't want to have so much stuff going on that you are only giving 25% to 4 things instead of being all in to one thing.
Patrick called me on my drive home yesterday to tell me he needed to be logged on the computer when I got home to work on this big Journalism project. {Sidenote: We don't leave our computer logged on and just open for the kids to use at any time. It is password protected and they have to come to one of us and ask to be logged on when they need it or want to play a game or whatever. If you don't have your computer password protected, use some type of monitoring program or have time limits for computer time I strongly suggest you think about implementing something}.
Seeing that it was only 3:15 and I know he has Drill Team Practice until 5PM my spidey senses were on high alert so I asked why he wasn't at drill. After much hemming and hawing (Is "hemming and hawing" a Southern thing? Do my Northern friends say this? If not, you should) he finally came to the point that he was given the assignment on Friday and had all of the long holiday weekend to work on it but he "forgot" and therefore he needed to get it all done last night. Did I mention he has guitar lessons from 6:00--6:30 on Tuesdays which means we have to leave our house at 5:30 and don't get home until 7PM?
After I expressed frustration with this I told him I would log him on when I got home at 4PM but he could not use the computer for anything later in the night other than the homework assignment.
This made him an unhappy camper. "Wait. What? What about when I'm finished with the assignment?"
I explained that he made a commitment to be on Drill Team and they practice 3 days a week most weeks. By skipping out on practice to do an assignment at the last minute he was not honoring the commitment he made. He chose not to do the assignment over the weekend and he chose to skip out on drill. Because of these choices there were consequences...namely he was going to have to rush to get the assignment done and probably not put forth his best effort and he lost computer privileges for the night.
For those who don't have teenagers yet...taking away the computer seems to be akin to cutting off one of their limbs with no anesthesia then pouring pure alcohol on it. See also: "Taking away the cellphone" and I'm guessing "Taking away the car" at a later date.
He argued his point that as long as he got the assignment done he didn't see why he was being punished. So...we went back over it again. Had he worked on the assignment over the weekend he wouldn't have felt the need to skip drill and then he wouldn't have been grounded from the computer for the evening. Choices have consequences.
His 15 year old resolution was "Fine. I'll quit drill!" I think it was at this point I had to start doing some deep breathing exercises but I managed to keep it together and tell him that if felt like quitting drill was what he needed to do then we would honor that choice but he needed to remember he needs some extracurricular activities on his resume. Just being a good student doesn't cut it anymore with colleges. They want you well rounded and to show leadership skills.
He worked on the assignment for a little while before we had to leave for guitar lessons. It worked out where it would just be the two of us on the drive down to Montevallo. Now some people would call this a "teaching moment" but I call it "trapped in the car with no escape so you have to at least pretend you are listening to me".
I talked to him about commitments and why it is so important to honor things we say we will do. That the whole "your word is your bond" thing is a big deal. Being a person of integrity goes a long way. Think about it. If someone has lied to you or let you down when you depended on them it stings and we remember it. If this same person has done it time and time again then we don't think of them as being a trustworthy or dependable person.
I also talked to him a little about this year and things we want to try as a family. We talked about stretching ourselves, getting out of our comfort zones and being more obedient instead of doing "just enough" with our lives.
I think he glazed out about 15 minutes into the drive so I figured that was enough for one night.
Hopefully the lesson learned for today: Honoring our commitments.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Kicking Things Off
Living deliberately? What does that look like? What does it mean? Just by living aren't you living deliberately?
It all started with a Date Night...some of you may remember those others may be scratching your head. Date Night is where you spend some quality time with your spouse without the little people that live in your home.
Our Date Night was Saturday night. We headed off to dinner and during the conversation we talked about our kids. What will our family look like in a year? 5 years? 10 years? And as we started talking we talked about things we have done with our kids over the years and things we haven't done.
Have we done our primary function as parents by pointing our kids to the cross at all times? No...epic fail.
Have we consistently let our kids see us in God's word or having a quiet time? No again.
Have we made sure to instill in our kids Biblical truths and make sure they have scripture hidden in their hearts? Not so much.
Have we let our kids hear us pray for them out loud? Have we prayed blessings over our kids before bed or when they head out the door for school? Nada. We are 0 for 4 here people...not such good odds.
So we talked about how we want to raise our kids...Patrick is 15. We probably have 3 good years left before he will go to college and start making monumental decisions all on his own. Have we prepared him or have we done the minimum and just hoped he picked things up from church or other people? Josh is 9 and he is starting to show a very compassionate heart for others. Have we helped develop this? Do we put him in situations to help bring out his heart? Colin is 3. What can he tell you about Jesus? Does he have a basic understanding of God and his love?
The answer to most of these questions is that we have done the basic stuff. We take our kids to church. We try to instruct them in right vs. wrong. We monitor their computer use. We keep in touch with who their friends are. But is that enough?
The answer we came up with is no. Not by far.
So we are going to live deliberately in 2012. We are starting a couple weeks late but no time like the present.
We want to invest in our kids and pour things into them over the next year and hopefully well beyond that.
So this blog will be talking only about my kids and things we as a family are doing to try and live deliberately. There may be funny stories...who am I kidding...if you've met my family there WILL be funny stories. There will be thoughts about things we try that work and don't work. But we want to see how God moves in the next 12 months when we stop doing the basics and start living deliberately.
It all started with a Date Night...some of you may remember those others may be scratching your head. Date Night is where you spend some quality time with your spouse without the little people that live in your home.
Our Date Night was Saturday night. We headed off to dinner and during the conversation we talked about our kids. What will our family look like in a year? 5 years? 10 years? And as we started talking we talked about things we have done with our kids over the years and things we haven't done.
Have we done our primary function as parents by pointing our kids to the cross at all times? No...epic fail.
Have we consistently let our kids see us in God's word or having a quiet time? No again.
Have we made sure to instill in our kids Biblical truths and make sure they have scripture hidden in their hearts? Not so much.
Have we let our kids hear us pray for them out loud? Have we prayed blessings over our kids before bed or when they head out the door for school? Nada. We are 0 for 4 here people...not such good odds.
So we talked about how we want to raise our kids...Patrick is 15. We probably have 3 good years left before he will go to college and start making monumental decisions all on his own. Have we prepared him or have we done the minimum and just hoped he picked things up from church or other people? Josh is 9 and he is starting to show a very compassionate heart for others. Have we helped develop this? Do we put him in situations to help bring out his heart? Colin is 3. What can he tell you about Jesus? Does he have a basic understanding of God and his love?
The answer to most of these questions is that we have done the basic stuff. We take our kids to church. We try to instruct them in right vs. wrong. We monitor their computer use. We keep in touch with who their friends are. But is that enough?
The answer we came up with is no. Not by far.
So we are going to live deliberately in 2012. We are starting a couple weeks late but no time like the present.
We want to invest in our kids and pour things into them over the next year and hopefully well beyond that.
So this blog will be talking only about my kids and things we as a family are doing to try and live deliberately. There may be funny stories...who am I kidding...if you've met my family there WILL be funny stories. There will be thoughts about things we try that work and don't work. But we want to see how God moves in the next 12 months when we stop doing the basics and start living deliberately.
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