Room to Love

Having a teenager is one of the most rewarding and most challenging things out there.  There are days my heart could burst I am so proud of him and there are days I could put him outside with a sign that reads, "Free to good home."  I love him unconditionally even though he thinks sometimes I don't.  He is learning the difference between unconditional love and parental expectations.  I have expectations of him and I will be disappointed when he doesn't meet those expectation but I love him regardless.

He is a smart cookie and I love how his brain works most of the time.  To remember him as my little 4 pound miracle and to see him starting to slightly tower over me is so awesome.  And not just physical growth...to see him start to reason out why he believes the things he does or doesn't...to form his own opinions...to make some of his own choices.  To recognize sacrifices made on his behalf and be appreciative. 

Patrick's dad and I divorced when he was still a baby.  John came into his life and became his step-dad when he was 4 years old.  Patrick then gained a step-mom and a step-brother a few years after that. 

He came to me when he knew his dad was remarrying and asked what he was supposed to do about getting a step-mom. 

We sat down and talked and I told him that God created him with a huge heart and he had room to love lots of different people for lots of different reasons.  That he could love his step-mom and still love me.  That it didn't change our relationship and that it didn't make either relationship less than the other....they are just different.  He didn't have to choose and he didn't have to feel guilty. 

That was a gift I gave to my son...the freedom to know it was okay to love someone else.  I have seen so many families go through a divorce and try to make their children choose one side or the other.  Or when a step-parent comes into the picture the biological parent feels threatened and makes their child feel like they are betraying them.  It is so sad to watch kids grow up in a situation where they are made to feel like they have to choose.  Even sadder when a parent makes the other parent be the bad guy and paints them in the worst possible light to their children.  No one wins here. 

Patrick's dad and I have had our share of conflict but overall I think we work together for the ultimate goal of what is best for our son.  And as far as Patrick's step-mom goes?  I thank God for her.  She loves my son.  She has given him another brother and sister.  She has taken care of him when he has been sick and in her home.  She has given him extra grandparents and other relatives to enjoy. 

Patrick came to me about a year ago and out of the blue told me he wanted to thank me for something.  Now...when your 14 year old says this you pay attention because in case you don't know...teenagers are sometimes the tiniest bit self absorbed. 

He said he had friends who felt like they had to pick a side in a divorce or that their step-parent was supposed to be the bad guy and that he wanted to thank me for never making him choose.  That he always felt like he could love both sets of family and not feel guilty in doing so. 

So if you find yourself in a divorce situation or step-parent situation trust me, how you handle it can be huge in your kid's life.  Resist the urge to bash the other parent no matter how much you want to or how much you think they deserve it.  Find a friend to vent to.  Go to a counselor.  Don't tell it to your kid.  If there is fault on a side your kid will figure that out for themselves as they mature and start to understand things more.  They don't need you to share your ex-spouse's dirty laundry to them. One day they will recognize parents are fallible people with their own set of issues. 

I have seen over and over recently situations where kids are torn right down the middle because of a divorce and how one parent chooses to handle it or wants everyone on their side so they share things with children they aren't capable of processing and it causes such harm. 

I regret deeply that my son is from a divorced family, but I am extremely grateful with how I chose to handle it going forward.  He has a big heart with plenty of room to love plenty of people.