Friendship

Oh how I have struggled with friendships.  You see I am opinionated.  I can be blunt many times.  I am a little intimidating.  I can be bossy.  I am a porcupine.  But I also like to think I am very loyal and generous when it comes to my friends. 

For years I have had tons and tons of acquaintances, people I like to be around very much and people I respect, but I felt like I was missing those close friendships I saw so many others having.  And it hurt.

Poor John.  I would go to him much like a 12 year old girl at times and cry and ask him, "Why don't I have any friends?  What is it that I do to make people not like me?"  And he would try his best to comfort my broken heart and tell me there was nothing wrong with me. 

I had a painful experience about 2 years ago where I thought I had a close friendship with someone and for whatever reason they did not feel the same and I got my feelings hurt.  Badly.  Maybe I did something to offend them?  Maybe they felt I was not a good influence in their life?  I may never know and that's okay.  I was very bitter about it for a while and I didn't behave in the best of ways about it.  But I now know that God has his reasons and maybe that person was just in my life for a season and that season ended and they didn't know how to be honest with me and let us say goodbye gracefully?  Who knows but I don't dwell on it like I did. 

After about a year of being upset I earnestly started to pray for God to send me a friend.  And it felt pretty stupid to be doing that I will admit.  Who prays for a friend?  But I wanted a real friend.  Someone who loves me warts and all.  Someone who will challenge and encourage me.  Someone I could confide in and not find out later they shared my issues with anyone who would listen.  Someone who would pray for me and my family. 

I only told John I was praying for a friend and he said he would start doing the same for me.  We laughed about how silly it sounded but he knew I needed someone and how lonely I felt much of the time.

I have a sister but we have no relationship (her choice, not mine) and that has always been a hurdle in my life.  I have nieces and nephews but I don't get to be involved with them in the way I had always dreamed I would be.  And this left a hole in my heart.  I wanted to be the aunt who spoiled them.  Who took them off my sister's hands for an afternoon and took them out for ice cream or to a movie.  I wanted them to spend the night at my house and stay up late and laugh with them and watch them play with their cousins.  I wanted to do a lot of things that for now are not to be.  Maybe one day God will bring restoration there and that is my prayer.

So after a while I had an opportunity to be involved in the Praise Team at my church and I got brought into Jennifer's world little by little.  And I was hesitant at first because we are not a whole lot alike.  I didn't want to say the wrong thing or do something that made her not like me.  I swear I felt like I was 10 years old going to a new school and trying to make my first friend.  It was ridiculous.  And it was scary. 

She is loud.  And hilarious.  She has no fear or cares what people think.  The girl has no filter.  She loves Jesus.  She is an amazing mom and strives to be the best wife she can be.  She is caring and loving.  She is a friend who when she knows I'm having a bad week tells me she is praying for me and checks in with me throughout the day. She is beautiful inside and out and the more I got to know her the more I realized how much we do have in common.  She challenges me and pushes me to step outside of my very controlled little box and be silly sometimes.

We started spending time together and confiding in one another things that were going on in our lives.  We brought each other into the other's family space and began to love the other's family.

I remember several months ago the first time we met to do something with each other.  I was giddy.  And when I got home I was telling John about it and he smiled and said, "You have a friend." And I was like, "Do you think so?  Are you sure?  I'm not sure we are a lot alike?  She has like a million friends...why would she need me?" 

Our friendship is still a new one.  But it seems like we have been friends for a long, long time.  It's weird how quickly we bonded and I think we both still sometimes have to remind ourselves we are newer friends. 

I get to share in her adorable little girl, Ella's, life and soon-to-be new baby's life.  That has been an amazing experience for John and me.  We feel like we are connected with their family in a way we were not able to be with my sister and hers.  And slowly our two antisocial husbands are making connections too.  It takes them longer than us women I think.  ;)

God works in strange ways at times but I am even more convinced he answers prayers...even ones we think are kind of silly, like "Send me a friend!"  So during this season of Thanksgiving I am thankful for so many things.  But today this friendship and my sweet friend are top of my list. 

For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart... Matthew 12:34

Confession time.  I have a potty mouth.  I can make a sailor blush.  It is embarrassing and shameful and I hate it about myself.  It is a horribly bad habit I picked up many years ago and it needs to go. 

I have lots of excuses and justifications about it:  I don't do it in front of my kids.  I only do it sitting in traffic or when I am mad and John is usually the only one who hears it.  It isn't hurting anyone.  I don't take God's name in vain or anything like that...But these are all just ways I try to excuse it away.

God, in his wisdom, has been pointing me toward lots of scripture lately about speech.  I am working on memorizing a bunch of them. 

Some toe stepping ones:

And I say to you that every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment.  Matthew 12:36--37

But now you also put them all aside:  anger, wrath, malice, slander and abusive speech from your mouth.  Colossians 3:8

The wise in heart will be called discerning and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.  Proverbs 16:21

She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.  Proverbs 31:26

If you were to ride with me on 280 in the mornings or afternoons you would definitely not hear kindness on my tongue.

I have entrusted this secret of mine to several close friends and asked them to hold me accountable.  I am working diligently to break myself from this habit. 

I want my words to reflect what is in my heart and this ugliness is not it. 

I adore singing and helping to lead worship more than just about anything.  So how can I stand before my church family on Sundays and lead worship and have praise coming from my mouth then get in the car on Monday and have nothing but filth stream from it?  That is a hypocrite of the worst order and I loathe hypocrites. 

We are about to enter a new year and I am not big on resolutions but I am committing to clean out my vocabulary ASAP. 

I have prayed and asked God to convict my heart every single time I let something slip, to have others hold me accountable and to have my sweet husband not have to hear his wife talk like she belongs in the shipyard. 

They say it takes 21 days to create a habit and I have had this one for probably 15 years so it is going to be a challenge but I love a good challenge.