This isn't so much about my boys today but about something I bet we all can identify with.
I was driving home Friday afternoon, trying to find a song for an event I'm working on. I was listening to several things and trying to pay attention to the words and really listen.
Got to one that has the lyrics:
You are here, you are here
In your presence I'm made whole
You are God, you are God
Of all else I'm letting go...
And listening to that I was overwhelmed with conviction. See I know for an absolute fact I am holding on to a deep hatred toward someone...have been for years. Only person on the face of the planet I hate. I know it is wrong. I know I should pray about it. I know I should let it go. But...I don't want to. I cling to this hatred. It is a deep seated bitterness in my heart. Most days I can push it down but every so often it rears up and I let it have total reign in my thoughts and in my heart.
God has brought it to my mind off and on and I acknowledge to him that I know I need to let it go. I know it is not what he commands of me. But then I hang on to it because I don't really know how to let it go. And let's be honest? I don't want to let it go. Hating this person feels good.
But I know I am being disobedient and as long as I cling to my disobedience God will not bless me. That is the feeling/conviction that overwhelmed me on Friday.
So...time to figure it out. How do I cling to the lyrics that in God's presence I am made whole and I'm letting go of everything else? Letting go of this hatred toward this person?
I confided these feelings to some friends and their answer is what I already know. The only way I will conquer this and let it go is on my knees...daily. I have to humble myself, seek God's face and let it go.
Much easier said than done. I tried this morning but the prayer got caught in my throat. I don't want to pray for her. I don't want to think about her. So to start I suppose I have to pray for God to make me willing to even be willing. To help me choke down the bitterness and slowly begin to let it go one small prayer at a time.
To live a deliberate life I have to learn to practice what I preach and release this bitterness.
