Leaving a Legacy

I've shared this story a few times but I always come back to it whenever I think about or hear someone talking about the kind of legacy they want to leave when they exit this world. 

When my middle son, Josh, was in 1st grade his teacher asked them to draw a picture of their family and show them doing the things that made them happy.  Josh came home with his book of his family and in it I found several stick figure drawings and captions.

"My Daddy is happy when he grills food."  And there was John with a little grill and curly smoke drawn in. 

"My big brother, Patrick is happy when he plays on the computer or video games."  Patrick with a big smile, playing what looked like a complicated army game of some type.

"My baby brother, Colin, is happy when he is eating food."  Now, if you knew Colin when he was a baby you would chuckle at how funny and true this statement was.  There was a reason we called him Chunkwad when he was little.  That boy could eat.

Next came me.  "My Mommy is only happy when she goes to work."  And there was a stick figure Mommy, complete with a little stick figure triangle dress and what looked to be a briefcase.

Think that hurt a little?  Not, "My Mommy is happy when she reads me a book"  or "My Mommy is happy when we play together".

See during that time I was very focused on my career.  I worked a lot.  I came home and worked.  I left the house early and worked.  I missed countless school parties or events because I couldn't leave work.  Work was my focus. 

Seeing that picture that my sweet boy had drawn was a punch in the gut.  This was the legacy I was leaving for my 3 children.  A Mom that cared a whole bunch about a job. 

I had spent 10 years working to the level I was at in my industry.  I put a lot into getting where I was and there is nothing wrong with having pride in your achievements and accomplishments...but...they had become an idol in my life. 

I started praying that God would intervene and show me how I could make changes.  Little did I know how exactly He would work this out. 

A few months after I started praying this I walked into what I thought was a meeting to discuss a huge project I was over and had spent hours getting ready to launch.  And in a split second I went from having this job I had invested so much in to being told my position was being eliminated.  All those late nights?  Didn't matter.  All the parties or school events I had missed?  Didn't matter.  My identity was gone because I had made my identity my job.  I was a little stunned to be honest.  I walked out and drove home and I remember wondering what in the world we were going to do.  My salary was our primary income...I carried the insurance for all of us.  How were things going to work out?

See when you pray for God to intervene you never know what form that will take.  But...know that He has a plan even when it is so hard to see.

I stayed home the first month and basically felt sorry for myself.  How dare they let me go!  Didn't they know how much I had sacrificed?  And even though I had prayed for God to intervene I didn't quite like how He was going about it.  I didn't mean I wanted to LOSE my job...I just wanted Him to show me how to make changes.

During this time I started running and one day I was running around the lake in our neighborhood and was listening to my iPod.  The song, "While I'm Waiting" came on and I had heard it a lot but I stopped and stood by the lake and really listened to the words. 

I'm waiting...I'm waiting on you, Lord.
Thought it is painful
Patiently, I will wait. 
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait.

And in that moment I felt peaceful about my circumstances.  In fact, had anyone else been around the lake that morning they would have probably thought I was a crazy person because I knelt by the water, lifted my hands and prayed the lyrics to that song out loud.  And I meant them.

That Sunday there was an announcement in our church bulletin that the church was starting up a new ministry called Celebrate Recovery.  I went to the meeting to learn about becoming a leader.  Had I not been off work I never would have gone because I wouldn't have had the time to devote to being involved. 

Do you see how amazingly God intervened?  Oh, how good He is and how He works all things out for good for those who love Him.  He took me out of where I was investing in useless things and plopped me right down in the middle of a ministry that He knew would nourish my soul and let me have the wonderful opportunity to invest in things that matter.  If you have ever had a conversation with me you know how much CR and the people who attend CR mean to me. 

I get to see people surrender their hurts, habits and hang ups to God and transform their lives.  I get to see redemption win.  I get to see beauty made from ashes. 

Look at the story 4 years later...I have another job but I only work until 2:30 each day.  My salary is about 40% less than what it was.  I don't have a fancy title or access to the executive dining room or any of the perks I had in the past.  But, do you know what I do get to do?  I haven't missed a school party in the last few years.  I am home when my babies are sick.  I don't work once I leave the office.  And I bet if Josh had to do another assignment about his family the last thing he would list that makes his Mom happy would be going to work.  There would be a long list of things he could say other than my job being who I was. 

What I thought was a huge tragedy turned out to be the biggest blessing I could imagine.  And the legacy I hope I am leaving has nothing to do with a corporate business plan or can be shown on a spreadsheet.

God is good like that.

I trust you...but do you know what you are doing?

We took the boys on a mini Spring Break trip to Chattanooga earlier this week.  Late one afternoon John and Josh wanted to swim and hang out at the hotel but Colin and I were up for adventure.  Ha...little did we know what an adventure we would have.

We hopped on the shuttle to get to the aquarium.  It was overcast so I grabbed my umbrella as we headed out.  We had already been to the aquarium earlier in the day but since the tickets were good all day we decided we would go back and hit some of our favorite things.  We wandered around and just hung out together.  It was pretty spectacular.

We left the aquarium and Colin asked if we could stop for a drink and snack so we did.  As we got ready to leave the little shop the sky looked dark but I knew the shuttle stop was only a few blocks away so we headed out.  We made it about half way and the bottom fell out of the sky...huge rain, thunder, lightning and then it started to hail.  I tried to open our umbrella and it wouldn't open.  Dime size pieces of hail are now pelting the ground all around us.  We huddled under the overhang of a small building while I struggled with the umbrella to no avail. 

We both had on light jackets and I told Colin to put his hood up and keep his head down so the hail didn't hit him in the eyes/face.  Just as I was giving him these instructions his eyes got teary and he said, "Mommy?  I'm kind of scared.  But I trust you..." 

We ran to the next building that had a larger overhang and in the process stepped in every puddle so now we have soaking wet gym shoes.  As we paused again I tried to be cheerful and tell Colin that the shuttle stop wasn't far now and we were almost there...to just hold on...it was all going to be okay.  And then he said, "I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?" 

We made it to the shuttle and then we made it to our hotel.  By the time we walked in we were drenched and cold. 

After we had a hot bath and it was all over we laughed and told John and Josh all about our adventure.  Now it was funny and we laughed about all the puddles and how we hit every one of them.  In the safety of the hotel it became a cool story to share instead of something scary.

Later that night I couldn't sleep and I thought about what he had said to me.  "I am kind of scared...but I trust you."  I say that to God often.  Then as things progressed and got a little rockier..."I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?"   Ouch.

How many times do I ask God the same thing?  Like I know you've got this but just in case...are you SURE you know what you are doing?  Maybe if you would just take this little suggestion I have that would work better?  Maybe?  Here...let me tell you how this should look...

So in the middle of a hailstorm I got a look at faith and how our circumstances sometimes dictate our faith. 

Instead of trusting completely we want to still hold on to that control we think we have or want to have.  But what we need to learn to do is to just trust and leave it at that.