My son will be 17 in a month. I promise you I just blinked and he moved from a 4 pound miracle to this person with his own thoughts and plans and ideas. And...we don't always line up. In fact, we don't line up a lot of times. He wants what he wants and he wants it RIGHT NOW and I want him to look down the road and have a plan but the "right" plan and we both get frustrated with one another when we don't line up.
Yesterday I walked into an Army recruitment office with my son, determined to say no because I didn't think it was the right choice for him at 17. Maybe 18...or 19...maybe 20...but as a junior in high school? I told him on the way I did not have peace about this and until I did...the answer would be no. Period. Nothing they could say to make me change my mind.
And they did not...nothing they said made me change my mind. I listened to all the benefits of enrolling early and what it would mean for his pay scale down the line. I heard all about college money and future job potential. I heard about leadership and respect and discipline and all those things are true. And I sat there and listened to my son outline his plan and what he wants down the road. In my head he should still be playing with Legos and watching cartoons and coming to me for everything because he is my baby. And...he still is even at almost 17. But I also saw a glimmer of the man he wants to become.
I heard the sergeant we met with tell me how many kids come in with no one and their parents don't care if they join or not. He said his own mother didn't come with him and he did it all alone. He told Patrick he was lucky to have a mom that cares and wants to ask questions and only wants him to pick the best possible route.
I got teary eyed when I told them both that I would support Patrick no matter what he did...there is nothing under the sun he could do that would make me not love him or not support him. I know too many stories where that isn't true and I don't get it every single time I hear of a parent walking away from their child or closing the door because of conflict or they don't agree with a choice that child has made in their life. Does not compute for me.
We were there for 2 hours and I asked questions...LOTS of questions. Then we left and we had dinner together. And I reminded Patrick I want his character to remain intact. I don't want the military to change who he is and I don't want him to forget whose he is.
I went to bed still so unsure. I told John I wish this decision wasn't mine. If he waited another year it would all be on him. But that isn't where his heart is. We had a heated discussion about this last week and I said to him, "Did you ever think that maybe this isn't the path God has for you?" and he said back, "Did you ever think that maybe it IS?" Ouch. Let's be honest...I would prefer God's plan on this to line up with my plan and my plan is to keep my baby safe and in a bubble where the world doesn't corrupt him or he is out of my safekeeping ie control.
And I woke up at 2AM with it so heavy on my mind. But then God started revealing to me so many truths. Patrick doesn't belong to me. He never has. I was entrusted with him almost 17 years ago to shape and mold him...not to be what *I* want him to look like but for him to look like Jesus. And he doesn't always get that right...neither do I. I have to trust God has him right in the palm of his hand just as he always has from the minute he came into this world so tiny and helpless. And if this is not the path God wants for my son then I know my God will intervene and it won't come to pass.
But. But, but, but...if it *IS* the path then I'm standing in the way and I'm standing in the way out of selfishness.
Driving to work this morning I talked to God a lot and was listening to an awesome worship song (Shameless plug for my friend's new CD: Kevin Derryberry: He Makes All Things New available on iTunes now) and I was reminded never once have I ever walked alone. God has walked with me through some deep valleys and some amazing mountaintops. But I've never been alone and I won't be through this.
So...I have peace. It doesn't look like how I thought it would but it is still there.
This means my baby will be serving our country once a month starting before 2013 ends. This summer he will be gone for 10 weeks for basic training and my heart will be so sad but it will be okay. And I will get to see him live out a dream he has had for probably 8 years. He has always wanted to be involved in the military. His senior year of high school will look a little different as he will be serving once a month until he graduates.
But he won't walk alone either and who better to hand him back over to than the God who entrusted him to me 17 years ago.
Having a child is having your heart walk around on the outside of your body. Truer words were never spoken.
This letting go stuff is hard.
