Clutter

I may have mentioned this before but...I hate clutter. I mean I really, REALLY hate clutter. Every single January I tend to get in a very non-sentimental mood and everything must go in my house. I go room to room and declutterize. I toss magazines. Go through my books and get rid of things I didn't really care for. I organize closets like nobody's business. I toss clothes if I haven't worn them in the last year for whatever reason. I make room for new things. I rearrange furniture and I get rid of things that aren't beautiful, don't serve a purpose or make me happy. I purge and for about 4 weekends I work non stop on organizing and re-doing and making things the way I want them. A fresh start for my house. In the end I am usually really tired but everything is new and clean and fresh.
As I was doing just this very thing this past Saturday I had a thought...what if I purged and declutterized and started fresh in my heart too? What if I got rid of the anger and bitterness I have toward someone? What if I let go of a past mistake that I keep beating myself up about? What if I embraced the changes God has made in my life and be thankful for them rather than whine about all the things that haven't changed or that God hasn't done just the way I want them? What if I took the same care to make things new and fresh in my heart/attitude as I do my home?

What would that look like? What if I tossed out all the things in my heart that aren't beautiful, doesn't serve a purpose or doesn't make me happy?

Maybe...just maybe if I do this then I'll have room for new things? Maybe God will answer a prayer because I've learned the lesson and let go of something that I was desperately hanging on to? Maybe? Worst case...I'll have a clean, refreshed and open heart instead of having it full of clutter. That can't be a bad thing.

Taking Time for Simple Things

I am a neat freak.  I can't stand clutter.  Things in my house have to be put away.  I know I take it to extremes and I have slowly been working on letting more go.  I now let the boys have the upstairs where their rooms are to be less structured.  The downstairs where the gameroom and playrooms are?  I tend to just stay out of there.  There is a door that can be closed and I ask about once a week if they will just straighten things up to a manageable level.  The main level of the house is my level and I still clutch my neat freak tendencies there.

But I guess since Colin turned 2 I have worked hard to come in from work and not start immediately cleaning or straightening but enjoying time with my boys.  I am fortunate that I only work until 3PM so I'm home by 4PM each day.  Tuesdays are guitar lessons and Wednesdays I'm gone to Celebrate Recovery much of the afternoon/evening.  But the other days?  Those are for my kids. 

We play tag, build blocks, read books, watch a movie, snuggle on the couch, go to the lake and feed the ducks, draw on the driveway with chalk, ride bikes, play video games, get a shaved ice...lots of stuff that doesn't involve laundry or dusting or any number of things I know eventually will get done in my house. 

Recently John had to travel out of town for work.  Colin really wanted to do something the afternoon he was coming home so I suggested we write out a "Welcome Home, Daddy" message on the driveway. 

That has been 2 weeks ago and Colin still says, "Mommy...that was so much fun.  Let's tell Daddy to go away again so we can write him another message!"  Not exactly what John wants to hear, but we have been working on other messages that don't involve Daddy having to go out of town. 

Recognizing that housework will always be there but my kids won't always be kids is huge for me.  Taking time to listen to them and find out what is going on in their worlds is so much fun...and I would miss that if I was busy cleaning a bathroom or wiping down blinds.

Room to Love

Having a teenager is one of the most rewarding and most challenging things out there.  There are days my heart could burst I am so proud of him and there are days I could put him outside with a sign that reads, "Free to good home."  I love him unconditionally even though he thinks sometimes I don't.  He is learning the difference between unconditional love and parental expectations.  I have expectations of him and I will be disappointed when he doesn't meet those expectation but I love him regardless.

He is a smart cookie and I love how his brain works most of the time.  To remember him as my little 4 pound miracle and to see him starting to slightly tower over me is so awesome.  And not just physical growth...to see him start to reason out why he believes the things he does or doesn't...to form his own opinions...to make some of his own choices.  To recognize sacrifices made on his behalf and be appreciative. 

Patrick's dad and I divorced when he was still a baby.  John came into his life and became his step-dad when he was 4 years old.  Patrick then gained a step-mom and a step-brother a few years after that. 

He came to me when he knew his dad was remarrying and asked what he was supposed to do about getting a step-mom. 

We sat down and talked and I told him that God created him with a huge heart and he had room to love lots of different people for lots of different reasons.  That he could love his step-mom and still love me.  That it didn't change our relationship and that it didn't make either relationship less than the other....they are just different.  He didn't have to choose and he didn't have to feel guilty. 

That was a gift I gave to my son...the freedom to know it was okay to love someone else.  I have seen so many families go through a divorce and try to make their children choose one side or the other.  Or when a step-parent comes into the picture the biological parent feels threatened and makes their child feel like they are betraying them.  It is so sad to watch kids grow up in a situation where they are made to feel like they have to choose.  Even sadder when a parent makes the other parent be the bad guy and paints them in the worst possible light to their children.  No one wins here. 

Patrick's dad and I have had our share of conflict but overall I think we work together for the ultimate goal of what is best for our son.  And as far as Patrick's step-mom goes?  I thank God for her.  She loves my son.  She has given him another brother and sister.  She has taken care of him when he has been sick and in her home.  She has given him extra grandparents and other relatives to enjoy. 

Patrick came to me about a year ago and out of the blue told me he wanted to thank me for something.  Now...when your 14 year old says this you pay attention because in case you don't know...teenagers are sometimes the tiniest bit self absorbed. 

He said he had friends who felt like they had to pick a side in a divorce or that their step-parent was supposed to be the bad guy and that he wanted to thank me for never making him choose.  That he always felt like he could love both sets of family and not feel guilty in doing so. 

So if you find yourself in a divorce situation or step-parent situation trust me, how you handle it can be huge in your kid's life.  Resist the urge to bash the other parent no matter how much you want to or how much you think they deserve it.  Find a friend to vent to.  Go to a counselor.  Don't tell it to your kid.  If there is fault on a side your kid will figure that out for themselves as they mature and start to understand things more.  They don't need you to share your ex-spouse's dirty laundry to them. One day they will recognize parents are fallible people with their own set of issues. 

I have seen over and over recently situations where kids are torn right down the middle because of a divorce and how one parent chooses to handle it or wants everyone on their side so they share things with children they aren't capable of processing and it causes such harm. 

I regret deeply that my son is from a divorced family, but I am extremely grateful with how I chose to handle it going forward.  He has a big heart with plenty of room to love plenty of people. 

Surrounding our kids with great mentors and godly examples

I believe if you have a child that you are accountable for that child.  It is your job to point them in the right direction.  You can't just drop them off at a church and expect them to become spiritual.  You have to take an active role.  Parenting isn't a passive job where you throw them out there and hope for the best.

BUT...I also think you can give your kid so much if you help surround them with great mentors and godly examples.  I can think back on my childhood and early teen years and remember amazing examples and great mentors that I had. 

One of the first was Jill Dunn who was my 5 year old kindergarten teacher.  I always thought she was so pretty and nice and I kept in touch with her years after I left that school.  She gave me a book in 5K..."The Little Engine That Could" and she wrote me a completely encouraging note on the inside.  I'll be 37 in April and I can tell you exactly where that book is and what it said on the inside.

There were numerous people that invested in me and I can remember many of them and how they played a role in the person I am today.  

Connie Hudson Moore was my piano teacher from the time I was 7 until I graduated high school.  She was a no nonsense instructor at Birmingham Southern College's Conservatory and she didn't let me by with anything.  She knew when I hadn't practiced and she knew when I was prepared.  She knew when I was trying to get by with just good enough and she called me out every single time.

We moved to Westwood Baptist Church in Forestdale when I was 13 and I have amazing memories of the people there that invested in me.  Steve and DeeAnn Gray.  Saint and Renee Green.  Vicki Foster.  Cecil and Sharon Sewell. 

Teachers/Administrators throughout high school and college.  Mrs. Thomas.  Mr. Timmons.  Mrs. Ulch.  Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers.  Dr. Wayne Seelbach.  Mary Horton.

I could go on and on and on with people who took the time to make an impact in my life.  And no matter how many people I listed I would still end up leaving out many.

I want my kids to be surrounded the same way I was.  This doesn't mean they will never make a mistake...I certainly made my share...but that there are wise people around them that will encourage them to try again and that it isn't the end of the world if they fail.  Creating a sense of community for kids is a huge deal.  Whether it is with biological family, church family, neighbors, teachers, friends, etc. 

I'm overwhelming grateful for the adults that were in my life that made an impact.  Making sure to create a sense of community for our kids is crucial. 

It might not take a village to raise a child but it sure does help!

Why do we help people?

Trying to develop a heart of service in kids is sometimes difficult.  We, by nature, are selfish.  Add that to a world that targets that selfishness and there you go.  It is all about me.  It is all about my needs...what I want...the best for me.  We are skeptical when someone does something for us.  What is this going to cost me?  What's the catch? 

I grew up serving.  We were always on a mission trip during the summers or feeding the homeless on Thanksgiving, gathering our gently worn clothes for a neighbor that had 3 girls younger than us, collecting money for different campaigns, taking food when someone was sick, moved into the neighborhood or had a loss in the family, etc. 

My Dad would say sometimes, "Kristin is always in the middle of a cause." 

I want my kids to learn how to serve but even more important, to know WHY we serve. 

Back in April when tornadoes ripped through much of Alabama I took Patrick with me to serve in Pratt City, Alabama.  His eyes were certainly opened.  I really think seeing all that destruction reached him in his world where he doesn't think twice about having a roof over his head or possessions.  Watching a family go through what is left of their home to try and salvage anything stays with you.  He is a teenager and they can be some of the most selfish.  They are going through so much physically and mentally and emotionally that they really do think the world revolves around them and their needs.

Josh has a heart for people but doesn't always know what to do with it.  Whether it is standing up for a friend on the playground at 3 years old.  {Side story:  Josh had a little girl friend that he adored.  Another kid pushed her off a swing or down in the sand or something and Josh charged across the playground to come to her aid}.  He looked out for our neighbor on the bus when she started school and was a little nervous.  He thinks about making sure he invites everybody to his birthday parties so no one feels left out.  He struggles if I tell him he has to limit guests because he worries someone will have hurt feelings.  He has the heart but I'm not sure he understands exactly why we do things for people at times. 

Last night a friend of ours was sick and she has several small kids.  It is rough having a young family and being sick.  Even with a supportive husband it is hard cooking dinner and watching the little people when all you want to do is crawl into bed and not think for a day or so.  I knew it would take us under an hour to make dinner and drop it by.  So I rounded up the boys and told them we were going to cook together then take the food somewhere else.

Colin immediately wanted to know why we were giving food away.  "Why are we taking our food away?"  I explained that our friend was sick and we were in a position to help so that is what we do.

Josh decided to educate Colin..."Like when people die...Mom makes food.  When a baby is born...Mom makes food.  When we get new neighbors...Mom makes food.  When she knows someone is having a bad day or very busy...Mom makes food.  Basically...Mom cooks a lot."

Listening to him I decided to ask him if he knew why I do those things.

"Because you like to cook?"

Decided here was an opportunity for a teachable moment. 

Yes.  I like to cook.  I enjoy having people over for dinner.  That is true but also I like to help someone when they could use a little help.  It can be something small...like helping a sick friend not have to think about dinner...or it can be big like raising money to buy supplies for tornado victims and giving up weekends to go help with needs.  

Josh thought about this for a little while and said, "But lots of people need help.  How do we help everybody?"

So we talked about using the resources we have to help where we see a need.  No.  We can't help everybody but we are called to help where and when we can.  We have to trust that God will send someone to help the people we can't.

When we got to our friend's house Josh and Colin fought over who got to help carry the food in.  Each one said, "I want to help.  I want to give them something." 

I guess the next lesson needs to be helping with a cheerful heart and in the right mindset?

All of us can find ways in our own little world to help.  It can be bringing in a neighbor's trash can, taking them a meal when you know they are having a rough time or just remembering to pray for those who surround us and we come into contact with every day.

Helping people doesn't have to be a huge gesture.  I want my kids to grow up knowing the world is bigger than them. 

Ten Things I've Learned

I'm not a perfect parent.  In fact there are days that were you in my home you would think a pack of wild wolves could raise kids better.

However, having 3 kids at 3 totally different stages has given me perspective.  I know a few things that work and don't work. 

Here's my Ten Things I have learned when it comes to being a parent:

1)  Don't try to be my kid's friend.  They have friends...they need a parent.  There will come a day down the road when they are adults that we will move into a season of life where we have more of a friendship.  That isn't when they are teenagers.  If I try to act like I am their friend then it confuses them when I then turn around and try to act like the authority figure later.  Be a parent not a friend...for now.

2)  Be a parent that listens and makes it comfortable for your kid to come talk to you about any topic under the sun.  Keep an open line of communication.  Let them feel like they can trust you to listen.  Sometimes all they need is your ear...not your advice or lecture. 

3)  Apologize to my kids when I am wrong, have lost my temper or said things to them I shouldn't say.  Ask them for forgiveness when I need to.  Make amends to them where I can.

4)  Teach them what grace is.  Offer them grace sometimes rather than punishment.  Let them get a feel for the concept so down the line they know how to offer grace to others.

5)  Pick your battles.  Not every hill is a hill worth dying on. 

6)  Make sure your kid knows they are loved unconditionally.  Explain the difference between being disappointed in their behavior and being disappointed in them as a person.  I never tell my kids they are bad.  I tell them they may have made a bad choice or decision.  Behavior can be bad...kids aren't.  Make sure you show them the difference.

7)  Make sure my husband is the primary relationship in my home.  My kids don't come before my husband.  They see us taking time for one another.  They know we are a united front.  They know we aren't going to team up with them against the other parent.

8)  Have fun together.  Be silly.  Laugh at yourself with your kids.  Let them see you enjoying life.

9)  Pray, pray, pray...then go pray some more.  Let your kids hear you pray.  Let them see you intercede for others.  Teach them to take their concerns, fears and problems to God.

10)  In the long run it doesn't matter where they go to college, what type of job they end up with, what kind of car they drive or house they live in.  Those things are great and there is nothing wrong with accomplishments but in the end?  I want to raise 3 boys that love God, love their families and are men of integrity.

Standing in the Way of the Cross

Came across this story in a book I was looking through yesterday and it was such a great image.

 

It seems a lady was on the beach watching her young son and his father play in the surf. The waves were crashing in and she watched him play...his whole face lighting up with happiness.

But then the waves took a turn and they seemed to be getting stronger. She saw him get knocked down a couple times and her heart clenched. Should she run to him? Should she step in and scoop him up out of harm's way? She readied herself to run down to her child.

Then she realized he was still laughing and playing and that his father was right by his side, making sure he was safe. He would reach up to his father from time to time and let him lift him above the chaos. She realized that had she stepped in and taken over the situation her child would have missed an experience he was enjoying. He didn't want her at that moment. He wanted his father.  He trusted his father to take care of him and keep him safe.

It then struck her how often she did that in situations in her life. Step in and take control because she thinks she knows best. Her way is the right way. She is in control.

 

Um...this is kinda sorta me.  Maybe just a tiny bit...

And it also struck her...how many times has her doing that blocked someone from the cross? Kept them from their Father when that was what they really wanted and needed.

She made it a point to then start praying that God show her times she was blocking the cross from someone in her life. That maybe her role was to walk beside them but not to step in front of them and keep them from what they truly wanted and needed.  That their Father can be trusted to take care of them and keep them safe according to His ultimate plan.

Wow.  Kind of puts things in a different perspective.  Here's hoping I learn to step back and out of the way with my boys at times.  I don't ever want to block them from the cross.