"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." C.S. Lewis
Ever had one of those days where God is shouting to you through painful circumstances?
I don't know about you but...I like things my way. I am what some might call a control freak. I know what I want, how I want it and I do everything in my power to make it so. This is not a good trait to have at times. It especially doesn't work when you have a person in your life that is the exact same way and you both want different things. Enter conflict.
I have 3 boys but this isn't about my younger two...at least not yet. This is about my firstborn. I love all 3 of my kids but Patrick will always be my first. He entered the world as a 4 pound miracle and the second they put him in my arms he became my world. It was if someone reached inside my body and sectioned off a chunk of my heart and formed it into this tiny little thing. Seeing Patrick walk around is like seeing my heart in living and breathing flesh.
And now he is pulling away from me...in many ways like he is supposed to...but in others I fear it is a disobedient heart and that scares me. I want to mold him and shape him into the man I think he should be. But...and here is the problem a control freak like me has...I can't. I don't even like typing that but...it is true. I can't control him. I can try and BELIEVE me I have tried. But it is a useless battle.
We are going through a very rough patch and I don't always handle it in the best way. I am great at working it out in my head but then in the heat of the moment it doesn't always go exactly that way. This is a struggle for me. How do I show him how much he is loved but also guide him to the cross and try to steer him away from rebellion? This has been my question and I'm finding out I've been asking the wrong thing. There are times I have even been standing in the very way of the thing I want most for him...the cross. In my pride and control I sometimes am blocking what God wants to do in my son's life. And guess what? God knows better than I do.
I have a 35 minute commute into my office each morning and during this time I usually think or pray or just spend some quiet time. This morning I was struggling and I prayed, "God, give me something. SOME-THING. Give me a sign or settle my heart or send me a burning bush. SOMETHING. Please?" And I got nothing...at first. Nothing was on the radio so I fumbled around for a CD and I found an unmarked one and popped it in. In my car, since Patrick shares it with me, there is no telling what an unmarked CD might be. And then it started playing...
I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don't want to be safe tonight
Let's be honest...that's what I want...safety. I want my kid to be safe and warm and comfy in this perfect world I have created for him where he is an A student (because he is capable of being one) and he knows exactly what he wants from life and he has it all figured out and it matches up exactly with what I want for him. Nothing wrong with that, right?
But there is. Patrick might not want the same things I want for him. My perfect plan might not match up with God's most perfect plan.
So I argue with God and try to tell him that I know best for this kid. And God asks me if I trust Him. And let me be transparent...I don't sometimes obviously by my actions. I trust Him with MY life. I trust Him with choices and things and circumstances I am going through but what about with my son? Do I trust Him? Am I willing to give it all to Him and accept what that looks like? No...I don't.
A wise friend asked me yesterday as I shared with her some of my fears..."Kristin? What if it isn't about Patrick...but more about you and what God is trying to do with you through Patrick?"
Say what now? Wait. This isn't about me...it is about Patrick. His choices. His lack of respect for authority. His rebellion. His pride...his disobedient heart...
Ah. Okay. I see some similarities. And what God is showing me today because He is good, is that I have to trust Him. I have to let go and I have to not make it all about what *I* want even if what I want are good things.
My way hasn't been working. And that's hard to admit. I like to think my way is a pretty good way.
But instead of safety and my perfect plan what if I accepted that I'm not in control?
I need you like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I'm only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I'm only Yours now
I'm only Yours now
The song played on this morning and I was overwhelmed with fear and questions ran through my mind...But what if this happens? And what about this? And what if he lets this happen? And it could always go this way? What will I do about this? I NEED TO KNOW THE PLAN so I can try to conrol it.
I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction's what I need
Then I'll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I'll receive it Lord from Thee
And it's Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it's Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
Til I'm Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord
Pretty heavy commute this morning but oh how exactly what I needed when I needed it. And I do...I have to trust Him with my most precious thing and it may not turn out to look like what I wanted it look like. But in the end it isn't about my vision of how it should look and I can't keep standing in the way.
And in the moment of making that surrender I feel lighter. I feel more peaceful. I feel relief. I feel calm. Nothing has changed...but everything has changed.
