For the last three or so years I worked at a job I hated. The atmosphere was negative. The people were negative. I was extremely good at my job and worked very hard to get to where I was but it was not satisfying in the least. The only plus was I had a very flexible schedule that allowed me to be home in the afternoons with my children. But each morning on the drive in I felt like a dark cloud was surrounding me. It caused problems for me in every aspect of my life...mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
In April of this year John and I were walking along the beach sharing our hearts with one another. Plans. Hopes. Things we wanted to accomplish. I told him how much I just loathed this job and how I felt it was draining joy from my life. And he said, "Quit." I laughed and came up with all the reasons why that was a bad idea and he very patiently gave me reassurance he could handle things financially for the summer and let me regroup.
This was very difficult for me. I have always worked. I have always taken care of my own self and I am very stubborn/prideful in this area. Giving all this over to John was a Big Deal for me and I struggled with it. I unapologetically am a feminist and becoming so vulnerable was a challenge for me. Side note: Yes, you can be a feminist and still be submissive as a wife and submissive to God's sovereign will. Feminist isn't a bad word. But that is a topic for another blog another day.
But I turned in my notice and worked out that I would stay until the first part of June then be off for the summer with the boys. We aren't quite in a position I can quit and stay home full time forever and after Labor Day I will need to get back to a job but not the job where I was. If I'm being honest I would love to be able to keep this current state but it just isn't in the cards right now.
The last three months have been life changing for me. I have been able to do so many things and I have to thank my husband tremendously for giving me this opportunity.
I have been able to work on myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have been able to serve in areas I wasn't able to before. I have been able to love on friends by watching their children or taking them a meal to help out during a busy week. I have been able to spend quality time with my own kids. I have been able to go out each morning for a run and wave to my neighbors and tell the kids waiting at the bus stop to have a good day. I have gotten back to doing a daily devotion and had God speak to me in ways I haven't had in a long time. This is both exhilarating and scares me to death because God is calling me out of where I am comfortable.
For a long period in our marriage John and I were adversaries. In the last couple years we are partners. It is a huge difference. We had to go through some yucky places to get here and it is solely our reaching the point where we acknowledge God is in control and our first priority. Once we looked at our marriage in light of eternity the rest pretty much slipped into place.
He is my best friend. We now spend our time looking for ways to out serve one another. It's crazy. We went from being very selfish about our time, our money and our home to looking for ways to use those things to serve a greater mission. He has been so generous to me over the last few months where in the past my not working would have caused resentment and bitterness.
I am peaceful and calm.
He told me a few days ago that I was so different and asked how did I get here. I think it is a few things in no particular order:
Maturity. I'm 41. Things that infuriated me 5 years ago just aren't big deals. I have learned the difference between a problem and an inconvenience.
I remember a few years ago thinking about what I wanted my life to look like in 5 years. At the rate we were going I would have been on divorce #2 and that isn't what I wanted for myself or my children. In order to avoid that I had to ask myself some hard questions and decide what hills were worth dying on. It turned out there aren't that many.
Accepting my role as a wife isn't dependent upon John deserving anything or not. My role is given to me by God and it isn't based on how I feel at the moment or what I necessarily want or if he is doing what I think he should be doing. When I got out of God's way and stopped trying to control things that is when things changed.
Becoming synced up with Jesus. Listening. Being slow to anger. Trying to give my partner the benefit of the doubt rather than immediately assume things or jump to conclusions based on how I would react to a situation.
And finally, like I said earlier, looking at our marriage in the light of eternity and realizing that one day, when I stand before God, I don't want to hear that I hindered my spouse or that we did not honor God with our marriage.
Marriage isn't about my happiness. It is about God's holiness.
This has been such a sweet, sweet time and I am so humbled John served me in this way by allowing me the space and support to do this.
I love him more than chocolate.
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