Letting go.

This isn't so much about my boys today but about something I bet we all can identify with. 

I was driving home Friday afternoon, trying to find a song for an event I'm working on.  I was listening to several things and trying to pay attention to the words and really listen.

Got to one that has the lyrics:

You are here, you are here
In your presence I'm made whole
You are God, you are God
Of all else I'm letting go...

And listening to that I was overwhelmed with conviction.  See I know for an absolute fact I am holding on to a deep hatred toward someone...have been for years.  Only person on the face of the planet I hate.  I know it is wrong.  I know I should pray about it.  I know I should let it go.  But...I don't want to.  I cling to this hatred.  It is a deep seated bitterness in my heart.  Most days I can push it down but every so often it rears up and I let it have total reign in my thoughts and in my heart.

God has brought it to my mind off and on and I acknowledge to him that I know I need to let it go.  I know it is not what he commands of me.  But then I hang on to it because I don't really know how to let it go.  And let's be honest?  I don't want to let it go.  Hating this person feels good. 

But I know I am being disobedient and as long as I cling to my disobedience God will not bless me.  That is the feeling/conviction that overwhelmed me on Friday. 

So...time to figure it out.  How do I cling to the lyrics that in God's presence I am made whole and I'm letting go of everything else?  Letting go of this hatred toward this person? 

I confided these feelings to some friends and their answer is what I already know.  The only way I will conquer this and let it go is on my knees...daily.  I have to humble myself, seek God's face and let it go. 

Much easier said than done.  I tried this morning but the prayer got caught in my throat.  I don't want to pray for her.  I don't want to think about her.  So to start I suppose I have to pray for God to make me willing to even be willing.  To help me choke down the bitterness and slowly begin to let it go one small prayer at a time.

To live a deliberate life I have to learn to practice what I preach and release this bitterness.

When They Get It...

Do you ever feel like you are talking to your kids and you would have better results if you stood and conversed with the cat?  I feel this way a lot of the time and my cat is starting to think I am crazy. 

However, every so often it clicks and they do something that reaffirms for you that they get it.  They are listening.  Your words aren't falling on deaf ears.  When this happens it is pretty awesome. 

Josh came home from school on Friday and dropped off his bookbag before heading downstairs to play.  I went through his folder and noticed he had brought home some projects they did over the last few weeks.  One was a hanging sign they did in February for Black History Month.  They talked about King's "I have a dream" speech and then were asked to make their own sign that read "I have a dream..." and complete the statement.

Josh's sign read "I have a dream that all people will know God."

I was blown away by this because Josh is my reserved kid who isn't extremely vocal about faith matters or really any matters.  He is more introspective most of the time.

When he came back upstairs I asked him about it and asked him what made him come up with that and he shrugged and said, "Well...isn't that a good dream to have, Mom?"

Indeed. 

My kid is getting it.  Little by little and without us even realizing it a lot of time...he gets it.

I'm sorry...

Colin is on a huge kick lately of say he is sorry for things.  Tiny things.  Things I don't even know what he is talking about.  It is all apologies all the time with him.

When I picked him up from daycare yesterday we did our usual talk on the drive home. 

How was your day?  Good.  I played games.

What was the best part of your day?  Coming home to see your smiling face.  (This is a joke Patrick started months ago and Colin thinks it is hilarious so it continues).

No, really...what was the best part of your day?  Playing games with friends.  Eating.  On that playground.  Running.  Talking about shapes. 

Any bad parts to your day?  Um....maybe so...

Like what?  I made a friend sad.  I sorry, Mommy.

Did you tell your friend you were sorry?  No.  I told you.  You can tell them for me another time.

So we talked about when we hurt someone we should always tell them we are sorry and try really really hard not to do the same thing again. 

He was quiet for a little while then he said, "Mommy?  I'm sorry I stepped on your foot. (This happened about 3 weeks ago).  And I'm sorry that I pulled Bella's tail.  And I'm sorry that I ate all that gum all up.  And I'm sorry that I played with Josh's Legos and then I broke it.  And I'm sorry I shut Daddy's hand in the door of the van (That was a new one to me).  And I'm sorry that I yelled really loud at that fire place (This would be Mizu).  And I'm sorry I hit Patrick." 

I told him that I forgave him for all those things and we would try better. 

The he asked me, "Do you ever have to do sorrys?" 

Do I ever. 

Then we talked about God's heart being hurt when we do things and how we talk to God and tell Him we are sorry and then we try really really hard not to do it again. 

I think all this must have sunk in because last night he mentioned to his brother, "You got mad at me when I played your game and broke it and you yelled at me and made me sad and then you didn't say you were sorry.  That hurts God's heart..."

Oh, boy.  Back to the drawing board.

We made it...barely.

So we went 2 whole mornings, afternoons and evenings with no TV, computer, Xbox, Wii, DSi or other electronic devices.  John and I used our computers while we were at work but not at home. 

Monday afternoon when I got home from work and the boys got home from school we loaded up and hit the park.  They played on the playground while I ran.  An added bonus was that I ran into someone I worked with from 10 years ago.  We caught up while her daughter played with my boys.  Then we headed home and played with Playdough, read some books, talked about our days and had dinner together. 

Tuesday we did some chores, talked about our days, played at Burger King then drove down to Montevallo for Patrick's guitar lesson.  While he was in his lesson, Josh, Colin and I played some classic games on the quad.  Mother May I?  Red light/Green light.  Tag.  Hide-n-seek. 

Once we got home and I got the boys showered, Josh and John went downstairs to wrestle and Colin and I snuggled and I told him some fairy tales.  His favorite was The Three Little Pigs.  We pretended to be the Big Bad Wolf and we huffed and puffed and blew out all our breath.  He then took my face in his hands and said, "Mommy?  I love you my whole big great big entire big heart." 

Patrick had the hardest time with being unplugged.  "WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?  WHAT EXACTLY DOES THIS PROVE?"  He went to bed early both nights so I look at that as a win...he needed some extra rest anyway.  :o)

I think the Pucketts will unplug about one night a week from now on. 

Unplugged

It started as a basic Sunday morning.  I got up early.  Made the kids chocolate chip muffins.  Laid out clothes for them to wear to church.  Hopped in the shower.  I got out and realized Josh still hadn't moved from the TV to put on his clothes.  I asked him again to do so.  Then I realized Patrick hadn't come up from the downstairs after showering and getting himself ready.  I sent John down to check on him and quickly discovered he had made it downstairs where the Xbox lured him away and now with 15 minutes before we needed to walk out the door he still was sitting in front of the Xbox and hadn't showered or anything. 

It was at this point that Mom had a come apart fit.  Now I know none of you ever do this.  Your homes probably run like clockwork on Sunday mornings.  Everyone wakes up in a thankful mood...the sun is shining...no one is ill tempered...lions lay down with lambs...the whole 9 yards, right?  Not so gentle reader at the Puckett house about 8:42 AM yesterday.

We managed to scrape together some semblance of dressed children and loaded up.  We hadn't made it out of the driveway and I turned off the radio and told them we had a problem.  I'm tired of having to ask over and over for them to do something while I get a glassy eyed stare back in return.  Tired of having them walk in the door and then disappear to the computer, Xbox or TV for the rest of the afternoon.  Tired of having to have the same argument every afternoon when I tell them they have reached their limit of TV/computer/game time.  For the record, it is 2 hours each afternoon. 

So we are unplugging for 48 hours starting today.  Once we walk in the door from school/work this afternoon there is no TV, Xbox, computer, DSi or Wii.  Once I explained how this would work I immediately heard all the complaints.  What will we do all day?  What if I have a huge school assignment and I need the computer?  Why do you hate us so much? 

I explained we have lots of options of what to do:

We own at least 972 board games. 
We own probably 2.3 million dollars worth of books.
We have Playdough and clay and tons of art supplies.
We have lots of chores that need to be done around the house.
We have a playset in the back yard.
We have dogs that need some attention.
We have enough Legos to open our own Lego Store.
We can talk to one another.
We can all help make dinner.
We can go for a walk or hit the park.
We can ride bikes/scooters.
We can visit with friends.

After I explained it all to the kids and they were out of earshot my darling husband asked that if this applied to us to...like we can still watch TV after they go to bed, right?  NOPE.  We are all unplugged when home. 

So if you see anyone from my family wandering around aimlessly today or tomorrow then just pat them on the back and tell them they will survive and be better for it.

They have no idea that I plan to make this a weekly occurrence.  One night a week we are going to unplug and refocus. 

Technology is awesome but I'm tired of competing with it.  I want my family one night a week to re-engage and invest in one another.

See you on the flip side.

Clutter

I may have mentioned this before but...I hate clutter. I mean I really, REALLY hate clutter. Every single January I tend to get in a very non-sentimental mood and everything must go in my house. I go room to room and declutterize. I toss magazines. Go through my books and get rid of things I didn't really care for. I organize closets like nobody's business. I toss clothes if I haven't worn them in the last year for whatever reason. I make room for new things. I rearrange furniture and I get rid of things that aren't beautiful, don't serve a purpose or make me happy. I purge and for about 4 weekends I work non stop on organizing and re-doing and making things the way I want them. A fresh start for my house. In the end I am usually really tired but everything is new and clean and fresh.
As I was doing just this very thing this past Saturday I had a thought...what if I purged and declutterized and started fresh in my heart too? What if I got rid of the anger and bitterness I have toward someone? What if I let go of a past mistake that I keep beating myself up about? What if I embraced the changes God has made in my life and be thankful for them rather than whine about all the things that haven't changed or that God hasn't done just the way I want them? What if I took the same care to make things new and fresh in my heart/attitude as I do my home?

What would that look like? What if I tossed out all the things in my heart that aren't beautiful, doesn't serve a purpose or doesn't make me happy?

Maybe...just maybe if I do this then I'll have room for new things? Maybe God will answer a prayer because I've learned the lesson and let go of something that I was desperately hanging on to? Maybe? Worst case...I'll have a clean, refreshed and open heart instead of having it full of clutter. That can't be a bad thing.

Taking Time for Simple Things

I am a neat freak.  I can't stand clutter.  Things in my house have to be put away.  I know I take it to extremes and I have slowly been working on letting more go.  I now let the boys have the upstairs where their rooms are to be less structured.  The downstairs where the gameroom and playrooms are?  I tend to just stay out of there.  There is a door that can be closed and I ask about once a week if they will just straighten things up to a manageable level.  The main level of the house is my level and I still clutch my neat freak tendencies there.

But I guess since Colin turned 2 I have worked hard to come in from work and not start immediately cleaning or straightening but enjoying time with my boys.  I am fortunate that I only work until 3PM so I'm home by 4PM each day.  Tuesdays are guitar lessons and Wednesdays I'm gone to Celebrate Recovery much of the afternoon/evening.  But the other days?  Those are for my kids. 

We play tag, build blocks, read books, watch a movie, snuggle on the couch, go to the lake and feed the ducks, draw on the driveway with chalk, ride bikes, play video games, get a shaved ice...lots of stuff that doesn't involve laundry or dusting or any number of things I know eventually will get done in my house. 

Recently John had to travel out of town for work.  Colin really wanted to do something the afternoon he was coming home so I suggested we write out a "Welcome Home, Daddy" message on the driveway. 

That has been 2 weeks ago and Colin still says, "Mommy...that was so much fun.  Let's tell Daddy to go away again so we can write him another message!"  Not exactly what John wants to hear, but we have been working on other messages that don't involve Daddy having to go out of town. 

Recognizing that housework will always be there but my kids won't always be kids is huge for me.  Taking time to listen to them and find out what is going on in their worlds is so much fun...and I would miss that if I was busy cleaning a bathroom or wiping down blinds.