I've shared this story a few times but I always come back to it whenever I think about or hear someone talking about the kind of legacy they want to leave when they exit this world.
When my middle son, Josh, was in 1st grade his teacher asked them to draw a picture of their family and show them doing the things that made them happy. Josh came home with his book of his family and in it I found several stick figure drawings and captions.
"My Daddy is happy when he grills food." And there was John with a little grill and curly smoke drawn in.
"My big brother, Patrick is happy when he plays on the computer or video games." Patrick with a big smile, playing what looked like a complicated army game of some type.
"My baby brother, Colin, is happy when he is eating food." Now, if you knew Colin when he was a baby you would chuckle at how funny and true this statement was. There was a reason we called him Chunkwad when he was little. That boy could eat.
Next came me. "My Mommy is only happy when she goes to work." And there was a stick figure Mommy, complete with a little stick figure triangle dress and what looked to be a briefcase.
Think that hurt a little? Not, "My Mommy is happy when she reads me a book" or "My Mommy is happy when we play together".
See during that time I was very focused on my career. I worked a lot. I came home and worked. I left the house early and worked. I missed countless school parties or events because I couldn't leave work. Work was my focus.
Seeing that picture that my sweet boy had drawn was a punch in the gut. This was the legacy I was leaving for my 3 children. A Mom that cared a whole bunch about a job.
I had spent 10 years working to the level I was at in my industry. I put a lot into getting where I was and there is nothing wrong with having pride in your achievements and accomplishments...but...they had become an idol in my life.
I started praying that God would intervene and show me how I could make changes. Little did I know how exactly He would work this out.
A few months after I started praying this I walked into what I thought was a meeting to discuss a huge project I was over and had spent hours getting ready to launch. And in a split second I went from having this job I had invested so much in to being told my position was being eliminated. All those late nights? Didn't matter. All the parties or school events I had missed? Didn't matter. My identity was gone because I had made my identity my job. I was a little stunned to be honest. I walked out and drove home and I remember wondering what in the world we were going to do. My salary was our primary income...I carried the insurance for all of us. How were things going to work out?
See when you pray for God to intervene you never know what form that will take. But...know that He has a plan even when it is so hard to see.
I stayed home the first month and basically felt sorry for myself. How dare they let me go! Didn't they know how much I had sacrificed? And even though I had prayed for God to intervene I didn't quite like how He was going about it. I didn't mean I wanted to LOSE my job...I just wanted Him to show me how to make changes.
During this time I started running and one day I was running around the lake in our neighborhood and was listening to my iPod. The song, "While I'm Waiting" came on and I had heard it a lot but I stopped and stood by the lake and really listened to the words.
I'm waiting...I'm waiting on you, Lord.
Thought it is painful
Patiently, I will wait.
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait.
And in that moment I felt peaceful about my circumstances. In fact, had anyone else been around the lake that morning they would have probably thought I was a crazy person because I knelt by the water, lifted my hands and prayed the lyrics to that song out loud. And I meant them.
That Sunday there was an announcement in our church bulletin that the church was starting up a new ministry called Celebrate Recovery. I went to the meeting to learn about becoming a leader. Had I not been off work I never would have gone because I wouldn't have had the time to devote to being involved.
Do you see how amazingly God intervened? Oh, how good He is and how He works all things out for good for those who love Him. He took me out of where I was investing in useless things and plopped me right down in the middle of a ministry that He knew would nourish my soul and let me have the wonderful opportunity to invest in things that matter. If you have ever had a conversation with me you know how much CR and the people who attend CR mean to me.
I get to see people surrender their hurts, habits and hang ups to God and transform their lives. I get to see redemption win. I get to see beauty made from ashes.
Look at the story 4 years later...I have another job but I only work until 2:30 each day. My salary is about 40% less than what it was. I don't have a fancy title or access to the executive dining room or any of the perks I had in the past. But, do you know what I do get to do? I haven't missed a school party in the last few years. I am home when my babies are sick. I don't work once I leave the office. And I bet if Josh had to do another assignment about his family the last thing he would list that makes his Mom happy would be going to work. There would be a long list of things he could say other than my job being who I was.
What I thought was a huge tragedy turned out to be the biggest blessing I could imagine. And the legacy I hope I am leaving has nothing to do with a corporate business plan or can be shown on a spreadsheet.
God is good like that.
Family
Friday, March 22, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
I trust you...but do you know what you are doing?
We took the boys on a mini Spring Break trip to Chattanooga earlier this week. Late one afternoon John and Josh wanted to swim and hang out at the hotel but Colin and I were up for adventure. Ha...little did we know what an adventure we would have.
We hopped on the shuttle to get to the aquarium. It was overcast so I grabbed my umbrella as we headed out. We had already been to the aquarium earlier in the day but since the tickets were good all day we decided we would go back and hit some of our favorite things. We wandered around and just hung out together. It was pretty spectacular.
We left the aquarium and Colin asked if we could stop for a drink and snack so we did. As we got ready to leave the little shop the sky looked dark but I knew the shuttle stop was only a few blocks away so we headed out. We made it about half way and the bottom fell out of the sky...huge rain, thunder, lightning and then it started to hail. I tried to open our umbrella and it wouldn't open. Dime size pieces of hail are now pelting the ground all around us. We huddled under the overhang of a small building while I struggled with the umbrella to no avail.
We both had on light jackets and I told Colin to put his hood up and keep his head down so the hail didn't hit him in the eyes/face. Just as I was giving him these instructions his eyes got teary and he said, "Mommy? I'm kind of scared. But I trust you..."
We ran to the next building that had a larger overhang and in the process stepped in every puddle so now we have soaking wet gym shoes. As we paused again I tried to be cheerful and tell Colin that the shuttle stop wasn't far now and we were almost there...to just hold on...it was all going to be okay. And then he said, "I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?"
We made it to the shuttle and then we made it to our hotel. By the time we walked in we were drenched and cold.
After we had a hot bath and it was all over we laughed and told John and Josh all about our adventure. Now it was funny and we laughed about all the puddles and how we hit every one of them. In the safety of the hotel it became a cool story to share instead of something scary.
Later that night I couldn't sleep and I thought about what he had said to me. "I am kind of scared...but I trust you." I say that to God often. Then as things progressed and got a little rockier..."I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?" Ouch.
How many times do I ask God the same thing? Like I know you've got this but just in case...are you SURE you know what you are doing? Maybe if you would just take this little suggestion I have that would work better? Maybe? Here...let me tell you how this should look...
So in the middle of a hailstorm I got a look at faith and how our circumstances sometimes dictate our faith.
Instead of trusting completely we want to still hold on to that control we think we have or want to have. But what we need to learn to do is to just trust and leave it at that.
We hopped on the shuttle to get to the aquarium. It was overcast so I grabbed my umbrella as we headed out. We had already been to the aquarium earlier in the day but since the tickets were good all day we decided we would go back and hit some of our favorite things. We wandered around and just hung out together. It was pretty spectacular.
We left the aquarium and Colin asked if we could stop for a drink and snack so we did. As we got ready to leave the little shop the sky looked dark but I knew the shuttle stop was only a few blocks away so we headed out. We made it about half way and the bottom fell out of the sky...huge rain, thunder, lightning and then it started to hail. I tried to open our umbrella and it wouldn't open. Dime size pieces of hail are now pelting the ground all around us. We huddled under the overhang of a small building while I struggled with the umbrella to no avail.
We both had on light jackets and I told Colin to put his hood up and keep his head down so the hail didn't hit him in the eyes/face. Just as I was giving him these instructions his eyes got teary and he said, "Mommy? I'm kind of scared. But I trust you..."
We ran to the next building that had a larger overhang and in the process stepped in every puddle so now we have soaking wet gym shoes. As we paused again I tried to be cheerful and tell Colin that the shuttle stop wasn't far now and we were almost there...to just hold on...it was all going to be okay. And then he said, "I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?"
We made it to the shuttle and then we made it to our hotel. By the time we walked in we were drenched and cold.
After we had a hot bath and it was all over we laughed and told John and Josh all about our adventure. Now it was funny and we laughed about all the puddles and how we hit every one of them. In the safety of the hotel it became a cool story to share instead of something scary.
Later that night I couldn't sleep and I thought about what he had said to me. "I am kind of scared...but I trust you." I say that to God often. Then as things progressed and got a little rockier..."I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?" Ouch.
How many times do I ask God the same thing? Like I know you've got this but just in case...are you SURE you know what you are doing? Maybe if you would just take this little suggestion I have that would work better? Maybe? Here...let me tell you how this should look...
So in the middle of a hailstorm I got a look at faith and how our circumstances sometimes dictate our faith.
Instead of trusting completely we want to still hold on to that control we think we have or want to have. But what we need to learn to do is to just trust and leave it at that.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
I don't want to be safe.
"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." C.S. Lewis
Ever had one of those days where God is shouting to you through painful circumstances?
I don't know about you but...I like things my way. I am what some might call a control freak. I know what I want, how I want it and I do everything in my power to make it so. This is not a good trait to have at times. It especially doesn't work when you have a person in your life that is the exact same way and you both want different things. Enter conflict.
I have 3 boys but this isn't about my younger two...at least not yet. This is about my firstborn. I love all 3 of my kids but Patrick will always be my first. He entered the world as a 4 pound miracle and the second they put him in my arms he became my world. It was if someone reached inside my body and sectioned off a chunk of my heart and formed it into this tiny little thing. Seeing Patrick walk around is like seeing my heart in living and breathing flesh.
And now he is pulling away from me...in many ways like he is supposed to...but in others I fear it is a disobedient heart and that scares me. I want to mold him and shape him into the man I think he should be. But...and here is the problem a control freak like me has...I can't. I don't even like typing that but...it is true. I can't control him. I can try and BELIEVE me I have tried. But it is a useless battle.
We are going through a very rough patch and I don't always handle it in the best way. I am great at working it out in my head but then in the heat of the moment it doesn't always go exactly that way. This is a struggle for me. How do I show him how much he is loved but also guide him to the cross and try to steer him away from rebellion? This has been my question and I'm finding out I've been asking the wrong thing. There are times I have even been standing in the very way of the thing I want most for him...the cross. In my pride and control I sometimes am blocking what God wants to do in my son's life. And guess what? God knows better than I do.
I have a 35 minute commute into my office each morning and during this time I usually think or pray or just spend some quiet time. This morning I was struggling and I prayed, "God, give me something. SOME-THING. Give me a sign or settle my heart or send me a burning bush. SOMETHING. Please?" And I got nothing...at first. Nothing was on the radio so I fumbled around for a CD and I found an unmarked one and popped it in. In my car, since Patrick shares it with me, there is no telling what an unmarked CD might be. And then it started playing...
I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don't want to be safe tonight
Let's be honest...that's what I want...safety. I want my kid to be safe and warm and comfy in this perfect world I have created for him where he is an A student (because he is capable of being one) and he knows exactly what he wants from life and he has it all figured out and it matches up exactly with what I want for him. Nothing wrong with that, right?
But there is. Patrick might not want the same things I want for him. My perfect plan might not match up with God's most perfect plan.
So I argue with God and try to tell him that I know best for this kid. And God asks me if I trust Him. And let me be transparent...I don't sometimes obviously by my actions. I trust Him with MY life. I trust Him with choices and things and circumstances I am going through but what about with my son? Do I trust Him? Am I willing to give it all to Him and accept what that looks like? No...I don't.
A wise friend asked me yesterday as I shared with her some of my fears..."Kristin? What if it isn't about Patrick...but more about you and what God is trying to do with you through Patrick?"
Say what now? Wait. This isn't about me...it is about Patrick. His choices. His lack of respect for authority. His rebellion. His pride...his disobedient heart...
Ah. Okay. I see some similarities. And what God is showing me today because He is good, is that I have to trust Him. I have to let go and I have to not make it all about what *I* want even if what I want are good things.
My way hasn't been working. And that's hard to admit. I like to think my way is a pretty good way.
But instead of safety and my perfect plan what if I accepted that I'm not in control?
I need you like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I'm only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I'm only Yours now
I'm only Yours now
The song played on this morning and I was overwhelmed with fear and questions ran through my mind...But what if this happens? And what about this? And what if he lets this happen? And it could always go this way? What will I do about this? I NEED TO KNOW THE PLAN so I can try to conrol it.
I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction's what I need
Then I'll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I'll receive it Lord from Thee
And it's Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it's Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
Til I'm Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord
Pretty heavy commute this morning but oh how exactly what I needed when I needed it. And I do...I have to trust Him with my most precious thing and it may not turn out to look like what I wanted it look like. But in the end it isn't about my vision of how it should look and I can't keep standing in the way.
And in the moment of making that surrender I feel lighter. I feel more peaceful. I feel relief. I feel calm. Nothing has changed...but everything has changed.
Ever had one of those days where God is shouting to you through painful circumstances?
I don't know about you but...I like things my way. I am what some might call a control freak. I know what I want, how I want it and I do everything in my power to make it so. This is not a good trait to have at times. It especially doesn't work when you have a person in your life that is the exact same way and you both want different things. Enter conflict.
I have 3 boys but this isn't about my younger two...at least not yet. This is about my firstborn. I love all 3 of my kids but Patrick will always be my first. He entered the world as a 4 pound miracle and the second they put him in my arms he became my world. It was if someone reached inside my body and sectioned off a chunk of my heart and formed it into this tiny little thing. Seeing Patrick walk around is like seeing my heart in living and breathing flesh.
And now he is pulling away from me...in many ways like he is supposed to...but in others I fear it is a disobedient heart and that scares me. I want to mold him and shape him into the man I think he should be. But...and here is the problem a control freak like me has...I can't. I don't even like typing that but...it is true. I can't control him. I can try and BELIEVE me I have tried. But it is a useless battle.
We are going through a very rough patch and I don't always handle it in the best way. I am great at working it out in my head but then in the heat of the moment it doesn't always go exactly that way. This is a struggle for me. How do I show him how much he is loved but also guide him to the cross and try to steer him away from rebellion? This has been my question and I'm finding out I've been asking the wrong thing. There are times I have even been standing in the very way of the thing I want most for him...the cross. In my pride and control I sometimes am blocking what God wants to do in my son's life. And guess what? God knows better than I do.
I have a 35 minute commute into my office each morning and during this time I usually think or pray or just spend some quiet time. This morning I was struggling and I prayed, "God, give me something. SOME-THING. Give me a sign or settle my heart or send me a burning bush. SOMETHING. Please?" And I got nothing...at first. Nothing was on the radio so I fumbled around for a CD and I found an unmarked one and popped it in. In my car, since Patrick shares it with me, there is no telling what an unmarked CD might be. And then it started playing...
I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don't want to be safe tonight
Let's be honest...that's what I want...safety. I want my kid to be safe and warm and comfy in this perfect world I have created for him where he is an A student (because he is capable of being one) and he knows exactly what he wants from life and he has it all figured out and it matches up exactly with what I want for him. Nothing wrong with that, right?
But there is. Patrick might not want the same things I want for him. My perfect plan might not match up with God's most perfect plan.
So I argue with God and try to tell him that I know best for this kid. And God asks me if I trust Him. And let me be transparent...I don't sometimes obviously by my actions. I trust Him with MY life. I trust Him with choices and things and circumstances I am going through but what about with my son? Do I trust Him? Am I willing to give it all to Him and accept what that looks like? No...I don't.
A wise friend asked me yesterday as I shared with her some of my fears..."Kristin? What if it isn't about Patrick...but more about you and what God is trying to do with you through Patrick?"
Say what now? Wait. This isn't about me...it is about Patrick. His choices. His lack of respect for authority. His rebellion. His pride...his disobedient heart...
Ah. Okay. I see some similarities. And what God is showing me today because He is good, is that I have to trust Him. I have to let go and I have to not make it all about what *I* want even if what I want are good things.
My way hasn't been working. And that's hard to admit. I like to think my way is a pretty good way.
But instead of safety and my perfect plan what if I accepted that I'm not in control?
I need you like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I'm only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I'm only Yours now
I'm only Yours now
The song played on this morning and I was overwhelmed with fear and questions ran through my mind...But what if this happens? And what about this? And what if he lets this happen? And it could always go this way? What will I do about this? I NEED TO KNOW THE PLAN so I can try to conrol it.
I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction's what I need
Then I'll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I'll receive it Lord from Thee
And it's Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it's Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
Til I'm Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord
Pretty heavy commute this morning but oh how exactly what I needed when I needed it. And I do...I have to trust Him with my most precious thing and it may not turn out to look like what I wanted it look like. But in the end it isn't about my vision of how it should look and I can't keep standing in the way.
And in the moment of making that surrender I feel lighter. I feel more peaceful. I feel relief. I feel calm. Nothing has changed...but everything has changed.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
So...how did we do?
It is a new year so how did we do with our goal to live more deliberately in 2012? For starters...I didn't have near the time I thought I would to blog about some of our experiences. Life happened. In a house with 3 active boys time gets away from you.
Overall we did better than average. We had some moments where we got it absolutely right and those are precious and make you feel all warm and fuzzy. Then we had some moments where we screwed up royally. Those moments make you feel like throwing in the towel and you wonder why God ever placed these lives in your hands because you haven't a clue what to do with them.
Briefly here is recap of things I am taking away for 2012 and what I want to focus on for 2013...
I can't make my husband or my children be who I think they should be. Rather than focus on the things they aren't doing I need to focus on the things I CAN do and should do as John's wife and the boys' Mom. If there are areas they need conviction in then God will work all that out and he doesn't need my help.
My kids are very different. I can't treat them all the same way. What works for one is a disaster for another. But they each bring something cool to the table and I need to recognize that and appreciate it.
There are things I can let go or say no to and not feel guilty or allow anyone else to make me feel guilty. I took a step back from a ministry that I treasure and love with all my heart for several months to focus more time on my family. I agonized over it and I had a few people ask me why but in the end? Totally worth it. No regrets.
There are always 3 sides to every story. Your side. The other person's side. And then somewhere in between is the truth.
I made every effort in 2012 to take advantage of the people God has placed in my life as friends. I really lucked out in this department. I don't get to see all of them often or as much as I would like and some are more dominant at certain times in my life than others but I have the best friends in the world. We don't always agree. We don't always hold the same views or opinions on matters. Sometimes we say and do things that are hurtful. But in the end I know I have people in my life I could call at a moment's notice and they would come. I started the year out with a group of them and I ended this year with a smaller group but it was treasured time.
What is next for 2013? I think I'll just continue this blog when I can and roll the year ahead. A sermon we had recently reminded us to embrace whatever God has in store for 2013...the hills and the valleys.
I know that this year will bring amazing hills into our lives. And I also know there will be valleys I can't imagine yet and my heart gets a little jumpy and fearful about those valleys. But I trust completely that God has a perfect plan and he is good all the time.
Overall we did better than average. We had some moments where we got it absolutely right and those are precious and make you feel all warm and fuzzy. Then we had some moments where we screwed up royally. Those moments make you feel like throwing in the towel and you wonder why God ever placed these lives in your hands because you haven't a clue what to do with them.
Briefly here is recap of things I am taking away for 2012 and what I want to focus on for 2013...
I can't make my husband or my children be who I think they should be. Rather than focus on the things they aren't doing I need to focus on the things I CAN do and should do as John's wife and the boys' Mom. If there are areas they need conviction in then God will work all that out and he doesn't need my help.
My kids are very different. I can't treat them all the same way. What works for one is a disaster for another. But they each bring something cool to the table and I need to recognize that and appreciate it.
There are things I can let go or say no to and not feel guilty or allow anyone else to make me feel guilty. I took a step back from a ministry that I treasure and love with all my heart for several months to focus more time on my family. I agonized over it and I had a few people ask me why but in the end? Totally worth it. No regrets.
There are always 3 sides to every story. Your side. The other person's side. And then somewhere in between is the truth.
I made every effort in 2012 to take advantage of the people God has placed in my life as friends. I really lucked out in this department. I don't get to see all of them often or as much as I would like and some are more dominant at certain times in my life than others but I have the best friends in the world. We don't always agree. We don't always hold the same views or opinions on matters. Sometimes we say and do things that are hurtful. But in the end I know I have people in my life I could call at a moment's notice and they would come. I started the year out with a group of them and I ended this year with a smaller group but it was treasured time.
What is next for 2013? I think I'll just continue this blog when I can and roll the year ahead. A sermon we had recently reminded us to embrace whatever God has in store for 2013...the hills and the valleys.
I know that this year will bring amazing hills into our lives. And I also know there will be valleys I can't imagine yet and my heart gets a little jumpy and fearful about those valleys. But I trust completely that God has a perfect plan and he is good all the time.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Being a Lazy Parent
I've had an experience in the last week that rocked my world and opened my eyes to the fact that I've been a lazy parent.
I have 3 very active boys. One is a toddler and needs either constant attention or supervision...one is having some struggles with school and needs my help with homework more than the others. And one? One is a teenager. He is more likely to retreat to his room, earbuds in his ear and disappear into a world of his computer (which is monitored) or texting his friends.
There is nothing wrong with him taking some time and space for himself but what I've learned is that I let him stay in his room because honestly...it is easier at times. He's quiet and I can focus on the other kids that are clamoring for my attention. I can make dinner or start a load of laundry or sit down for a few minutes.
But...it is also lazy. I need to take time to engage him and not take the path that is always easier.
I have always prided myself of being a good communicator with my kids and I'm finding that as they get older that is becoming harder to do. It takes more effort. The little one wants to tell me every detail of his day including what he ate for snack and what games he played on the playground. The middle one wants to tell me a few details then he wants me to shut up so he can play with his Legos and have elaborate army battles. The oldest one chooses when he wants to talk or not...sometimes he will tell me all sorts of fun stories but other times it is like pulling teeth to get information from him. All that is part of the season of life they are in.
BUT. I can't allow myself to pick the easy path so often.
Working this week on engaging my kids and finding out what is going on in their worlds. It is just too important not to.
I have 3 very active boys. One is a toddler and needs either constant attention or supervision...one is having some struggles with school and needs my help with homework more than the others. And one? One is a teenager. He is more likely to retreat to his room, earbuds in his ear and disappear into a world of his computer (which is monitored) or texting his friends.
There is nothing wrong with him taking some time and space for himself but what I've learned is that I let him stay in his room because honestly...it is easier at times. He's quiet and I can focus on the other kids that are clamoring for my attention. I can make dinner or start a load of laundry or sit down for a few minutes.
But...it is also lazy. I need to take time to engage him and not take the path that is always easier.
I have always prided myself of being a good communicator with my kids and I'm finding that as they get older that is becoming harder to do. It takes more effort. The little one wants to tell me every detail of his day including what he ate for snack and what games he played on the playground. The middle one wants to tell me a few details then he wants me to shut up so he can play with his Legos and have elaborate army battles. The oldest one chooses when he wants to talk or not...sometimes he will tell me all sorts of fun stories but other times it is like pulling teeth to get information from him. All that is part of the season of life they are in.
BUT. I can't allow myself to pick the easy path so often.
Working this week on engaging my kids and finding out what is going on in their worlds. It is just too important not to.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Teenagers: Not for the faint of heart
Teenagers. These are creatures that once were your cherub faced want to be near you all the time and thought you were the most awesome thing under the sun. You go and have a baby and you think every think they do is magic. They have magic smiles. Magic coos. Magic looks. Magic first steps. Even their burps and poops become a thing you will talk to complete strangers about. They melt your heart into tiny pieces with everything they do.
Then they hit the teenage years. It starts out slowly...they start to do this thing with their eyes where they can't seem to keep them focused and they roll from time to time...specifically when you are talking. They stop wanting to cuddle with you and in fact will push you away and tell you they are too big for that stuff. It will break your heart into tiny little pieces.
Then they enter a phase around 15 where they are stuck. They are too big for kid stuff yet they aren't quite ready for all the responsibility they think they are. It is just a hard time for them...they have hormones racing and their bodies are all out of whack. They want so desperately to make their own decisions...and they should be allowed to make some...but not quite as many as they think they are ready for.
We are at this 15 year stage with our oldest. Let me straight up say that Patrick is an amazing kid. He is smarter than I ever thought about being. He has the best most wickedly funny sense of humor. He says things that crack me up many times. He is a great student. He is helpful and overall respectful to adults he comes in contact with. I get complimented on him constantly by adults he interacts with. I could not ask for a better son. He isn't perfect and I don't expect him to be but in the kid department? I hit the jackpot when God blessed me with Patrick.
We are having to recognize that he is growing up. And with growing up comes us, as parents, letting him fly a little bit. This all hit me out of the blue. I knew a day was coming he would spread his wings but all of a sudden...that day is pretty much here. And I'm not ready for it. He will be legally eligible to drive in 4 months. I will reach a point where I will hand him keys and watch him drive off and then I will throw up and rock back and forth constantly until he drive back home safe and sound. What? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?
Did you know from the time a child is born you basically have 940 Saturdays before they will on average move out or leave for college? Doesn't that seem small? Like it just isn't quite enough time?
Right now we are going through bumps in the road where Patrick thinks we are the most stupid people that ever walked this planet and we are keeping him from doing anything and everything at all because we want to control his every move and his life.
This is the part that hit me...I distinctly remember telling my mother around...oh...just about 15 that she was a control freak and didn't want me to grow up and I hated her and EVERYBODY else's Mom and Dad let them do things and go places and you know...actually grow up!
*Side note* Go ahead and accustom yourself with EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS because when you are engaging with a teenager you will hear about these wonderful parents at least 84 times a day. They are parents with flowing locks of hair that ride around on unicorns and when they sing rainbows come out of their mouths and they spread nothing but love and joy to their children. They never say no and they have no rules and theirs is a home of utopia. You will come to hate EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS I promise you.
So what advice or glimmer of hope can I offer? Not a bit. Okay...okay...I can tell you a few things I have learned here in the trenches...
1) You can't be your kid's friend and be an effective parent. Not right now. One day you can be their friend. One day long past the teenage years...when they are adults and they possibly have kids of their own. You will then become more friendly. My Mom is my friend and has been since right about November 8, 1996. This is the day I became a Mom and once I held that little 4 pound bundle everything my Mom ever did or said to keep me in line or protect me all made perfect sense.
2) Your kid is going to go through a period of time where they don't like you very much at all. This is normal. And psssstttt...you aren't going to like them at times either. Totally normal. You both still love each other...you are just finding your new normal with this teenage person and they are trying to make sense of everything you say because I swear I think it must come out to them like that teacher from Charlie Brown.
3) You are going to have to let go. Yeah...I know. I'm still struggling with this one. But...it is a fact of life. Kids grow up. They start to think for themselves. They make decisions....not always the best of decisions. Guess what? I'm 37 and I still don't always make the best of decisions. Go figure.
4) Pick your battles. That music they are listening to that sounds like someone stepping on a cat while simultaneously banging pots and pans together? It will pass. The bigger deal you make out of it the more they will cling to it. And one day you may even find yourself driving down the road where a song comes on and you both say..."Cool...I love this one..."
5) It is more important to raise a kid who has an obedient heart than a kid who only follows the rules to get something or to avoid a punishment. Patrick struggles with this. He will argue with me about "I was only 5 minutes past my limit...what is the big deal?" The big deal isn't the 5 minutes...it truly isn't. The big deal is having an obedient heart versus a disobedient one.
6) My goal as a parent should always be to point my son to the cross. To teach him about grace. To show him 2 basic things: Love God. Love Others. The rest? Just details.
You can take very bit of this advice with a grain of salt because in all honesty? I screw it up more often than I get it right. I go to bed many nights thinking how I should have said this or I should have done this or I regret things I did say or opportunities I missed.
I basically have 156 Saturdays left. My focus is to try and get through the next few and make them the best ones we can. Little by little. Both of us learning along the way and both of us screwing it up at times. But oh...those days we get it right? Those are awesome days.
Then they hit the teenage years. It starts out slowly...they start to do this thing with their eyes where they can't seem to keep them focused and they roll from time to time...specifically when you are talking. They stop wanting to cuddle with you and in fact will push you away and tell you they are too big for that stuff. It will break your heart into tiny little pieces.
Then they enter a phase around 15 where they are stuck. They are too big for kid stuff yet they aren't quite ready for all the responsibility they think they are. It is just a hard time for them...they have hormones racing and their bodies are all out of whack. They want so desperately to make their own decisions...and they should be allowed to make some...but not quite as many as they think they are ready for.
We are at this 15 year stage with our oldest. Let me straight up say that Patrick is an amazing kid. He is smarter than I ever thought about being. He has the best most wickedly funny sense of humor. He says things that crack me up many times. He is a great student. He is helpful and overall respectful to adults he comes in contact with. I get complimented on him constantly by adults he interacts with. I could not ask for a better son. He isn't perfect and I don't expect him to be but in the kid department? I hit the jackpot when God blessed me with Patrick.
We are having to recognize that he is growing up. And with growing up comes us, as parents, letting him fly a little bit. This all hit me out of the blue. I knew a day was coming he would spread his wings but all of a sudden...that day is pretty much here. And I'm not ready for it. He will be legally eligible to drive in 4 months. I will reach a point where I will hand him keys and watch him drive off and then I will throw up and rock back and forth constantly until he drive back home safe and sound. What? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?
Did you know from the time a child is born you basically have 940 Saturdays before they will on average move out or leave for college? Doesn't that seem small? Like it just isn't quite enough time?
Right now we are going through bumps in the road where Patrick thinks we are the most stupid people that ever walked this planet and we are keeping him from doing anything and everything at all because we want to control his every move and his life.
This is the part that hit me...I distinctly remember telling my mother around...oh...just about 15 that she was a control freak and didn't want me to grow up and I hated her and EVERYBODY else's Mom and Dad let them do things and go places and you know...actually grow up!
*Side note* Go ahead and accustom yourself with EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS because when you are engaging with a teenager you will hear about these wonderful parents at least 84 times a day. They are parents with flowing locks of hair that ride around on unicorns and when they sing rainbows come out of their mouths and they spread nothing but love and joy to their children. They never say no and they have no rules and theirs is a home of utopia. You will come to hate EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS I promise you.
So what advice or glimmer of hope can I offer? Not a bit. Okay...okay...I can tell you a few things I have learned here in the trenches...
1) You can't be your kid's friend and be an effective parent. Not right now. One day you can be their friend. One day long past the teenage years...when they are adults and they possibly have kids of their own. You will then become more friendly. My Mom is my friend and has been since right about November 8, 1996. This is the day I became a Mom and once I held that little 4 pound bundle everything my Mom ever did or said to keep me in line or protect me all made perfect sense.
2) Your kid is going to go through a period of time where they don't like you very much at all. This is normal. And psssstttt...you aren't going to like them at times either. Totally normal. You both still love each other...you are just finding your new normal with this teenage person and they are trying to make sense of everything you say because I swear I think it must come out to them like that teacher from Charlie Brown.
3) You are going to have to let go. Yeah...I know. I'm still struggling with this one. But...it is a fact of life. Kids grow up. They start to think for themselves. They make decisions....not always the best of decisions. Guess what? I'm 37 and I still don't always make the best of decisions. Go figure.
4) Pick your battles. That music they are listening to that sounds like someone stepping on a cat while simultaneously banging pots and pans together? It will pass. The bigger deal you make out of it the more they will cling to it. And one day you may even find yourself driving down the road where a song comes on and you both say..."Cool...I love this one..."
5) It is more important to raise a kid who has an obedient heart than a kid who only follows the rules to get something or to avoid a punishment. Patrick struggles with this. He will argue with me about "I was only 5 minutes past my limit...what is the big deal?" The big deal isn't the 5 minutes...it truly isn't. The big deal is having an obedient heart versus a disobedient one.
6) My goal as a parent should always be to point my son to the cross. To teach him about grace. To show him 2 basic things: Love God. Love Others. The rest? Just details.
You can take very bit of this advice with a grain of salt because in all honesty? I screw it up more often than I get it right. I go to bed many nights thinking how I should have said this or I should have done this or I regret things I did say or opportunities I missed.
I basically have 156 Saturdays left. My focus is to try and get through the next few and make them the best ones we can. Little by little. Both of us learning along the way and both of us screwing it up at times. But oh...those days we get it right? Those are awesome days.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Called out by a 4 year old
John and I don't watch a whole lot of TV. Mainly we watch HGTV and lots of cooking shows. However, we do enjoy the show Modern Family. In fact, we crack up at Modern Family. One of the main characters, Phil, reminds me of John in minor ways so I jokingly call him "Phil" at times.
John's birthday was this past week and I found a talking card that had Phil on it. As soon as I saw it I knew it would be the card for me to give him.
Phil thinks of himself as quite the hip Dad. He mortifies his children and wife at various times but he has a heart of gold.
We put cards up on our fireplace mantle for about a week then we pack them away or toss them depending on how full the card drawer has gotten.
On Friday I was in the living room straightening up for some friends who were stopping by and Colin was helping me. I was taking the cards down and he asked me if any of the cards sang or talked. He really enjoys the cards that do. So I tossed the card my parents gave John that sang and the Phil card to him.
He danced around to the music on the one card then he opened up the Phil card...
"I'm hip. I'm cool. I surf the web. I text. LOL. Laugh Out Loud. WTF. Why The Face? OMG. Oh My God."
And Colin shut the card quickly and looked up at me. "Why did that man talk about God?"
Being the awesome parent that I am I very quickly said, "Oh...he's just playing around...let's put that card up..." as I reached to take it out of his hands.
But Colin wasn't letting it go. He looked up at me with those big brown eyes and said, "But we shouldn't say that. That isn't talking about God nice. Who gave my Daddy this card?"
Ouch.
You ever have those moments where you feel like God just thumped you on the head to get your attention? Ever have one where you felt like he hit you with a 2 X 4?
So I took a deep breath and sat down on the couch with Colin and told him that he was right. We don't talk about God like that and it isn't nice and Mommy was wrong to not think about that.
He listened to my answer then hopped up and said it was okay because God doesn't stay mad at us if we are sorry and he said he would just go throw that card in the trash.
We have been in the middle of a sermon series on James at my church. Taming the tongue. Evaluating our speech...what we say...how we say it...who we say it to...
Not that I think Colin has a firm grasp on theology but apparently he has been paying more attention than his Mom...
John's birthday was this past week and I found a talking card that had Phil on it. As soon as I saw it I knew it would be the card for me to give him.
Phil thinks of himself as quite the hip Dad. He mortifies his children and wife at various times but he has a heart of gold.
We put cards up on our fireplace mantle for about a week then we pack them away or toss them depending on how full the card drawer has gotten.
On Friday I was in the living room straightening up for some friends who were stopping by and Colin was helping me. I was taking the cards down and he asked me if any of the cards sang or talked. He really enjoys the cards that do. So I tossed the card my parents gave John that sang and the Phil card to him.
He danced around to the music on the one card then he opened up the Phil card...
"I'm hip. I'm cool. I surf the web. I text. LOL. Laugh Out Loud. WTF. Why The Face? OMG. Oh My God."
And Colin shut the card quickly and looked up at me. "Why did that man talk about God?"
Being the awesome parent that I am I very quickly said, "Oh...he's just playing around...let's put that card up..." as I reached to take it out of his hands.
But Colin wasn't letting it go. He looked up at me with those big brown eyes and said, "But we shouldn't say that. That isn't talking about God nice. Who gave my Daddy this card?"
Ouch.
You ever have those moments where you feel like God just thumped you on the head to get your attention? Ever have one where you felt like he hit you with a 2 X 4?
So I took a deep breath and sat down on the couch with Colin and told him that he was right. We don't talk about God like that and it isn't nice and Mommy was wrong to not think about that.
He listened to my answer then hopped up and said it was okay because God doesn't stay mad at us if we are sorry and he said he would just go throw that card in the trash.
We have been in the middle of a sermon series on James at my church. Taming the tongue. Evaluating our speech...what we say...how we say it...who we say it to...
Not that I think Colin has a firm grasp on theology but apparently he has been paying more attention than his Mom...
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