For the last three or so years I worked at a job I hated. The atmosphere was negative. The people were negative. I was extremely good at my job and worked very hard to get to where I was but it was not satisfying in the least. The only plus was I had a very flexible schedule that allowed me to be home in the afternoons with my children. But each morning on the drive in I felt like a dark cloud was surrounding me. It caused problems for me in every aspect of my life...mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
In April of this year John and I were walking along the beach sharing our hearts with one another. Plans. Hopes. Things we wanted to accomplish. I told him how much I just loathed this job and how I felt it was draining joy from my life. And he said, "Quit." I laughed and came up with all the reasons why that was a bad idea and he very patiently gave me reassurance he could handle things financially for the summer and let me regroup.
This was very difficult for me. I have always worked. I have always taken care of my own self and I am very stubborn/prideful in this area. Giving all this over to John was a Big Deal for me and I struggled with it. I unapologetically am a feminist and becoming so vulnerable was a challenge for me. Side note: Yes, you can be a feminist and still be submissive as a wife and submissive to God's sovereign will. Feminist isn't a bad word. But that is a topic for another blog another day.
But I turned in my notice and worked out that I would stay until the first part of June then be off for the summer with the boys. We aren't quite in a position I can quit and stay home full time forever and after Labor Day I will need to get back to a job but not the job where I was. If I'm being honest I would love to be able to keep this current state but it just isn't in the cards right now.
The last three months have been life changing for me. I have been able to do so many things and I have to thank my husband tremendously for giving me this opportunity.
I have been able to work on myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have been able to serve in areas I wasn't able to before. I have been able to love on friends by watching their children or taking them a meal to help out during a busy week. I have been able to spend quality time with my own kids. I have been able to go out each morning for a run and wave to my neighbors and tell the kids waiting at the bus stop to have a good day. I have gotten back to doing a daily devotion and had God speak to me in ways I haven't had in a long time. This is both exhilarating and scares me to death because God is calling me out of where I am comfortable.
For a long period in our marriage John and I were adversaries. In the last couple years we are partners. It is a huge difference. We had to go through some yucky places to get here and it is solely our reaching the point where we acknowledge God is in control and our first priority. Once we looked at our marriage in light of eternity the rest pretty much slipped into place.
He is my best friend. We now spend our time looking for ways to out serve one another. It's crazy. We went from being very selfish about our time, our money and our home to looking for ways to use those things to serve a greater mission. He has been so generous to me over the last few months where in the past my not working would have caused resentment and bitterness.
I am peaceful and calm.
He told me a few days ago that I was so different and asked how did I get here. I think it is a few things in no particular order:
Maturity. I'm 41. Things that infuriated me 5 years ago just aren't big deals. I have learned the difference between a problem and an inconvenience.
I remember a few years ago thinking about what I wanted my life to look like in 5 years. At the rate we were going I would have been on divorce #2 and that isn't what I wanted for myself or my children. In order to avoid that I had to ask myself some hard questions and decide what hills were worth dying on. It turned out there aren't that many.
Accepting my role as a wife isn't dependent upon John deserving anything or not. My role is given to me by God and it isn't based on how I feel at the moment or what I necessarily want or if he is doing what I think he should be doing. When I got out of God's way and stopped trying to control things that is when things changed.
Becoming synced up with Jesus. Listening. Being slow to anger. Trying to give my partner the benefit of the doubt rather than immediately assume things or jump to conclusions based on how I would react to a situation.
And finally, like I said earlier, looking at our marriage in the light of eternity and realizing that one day, when I stand before God, I don't want to hear that I hindered my spouse or that we did not honor God with our marriage.
Marriage isn't about my happiness. It is about God's holiness.
This has been such a sweet, sweet time and I am so humbled John served me in this way by allowing me the space and support to do this.
I love him more than chocolate.
Family
Monday, August 22, 2016
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Friendship
Oh how I have struggled with friendships. You see I am opinionated. I can be blunt many times. I am a little intimidating. I can be bossy. I am a porcupine. But I also like to think I am very loyal and generous when it comes to my friends.
For years I have had tons and tons of acquaintances, people I like to be around very much and people I respect, but I felt like I was missing those close friendships I saw so many others having. And it hurt.
Poor John. I would go to him much like a 12 year old girl at times and cry and ask him, "Why don't I have any friends? What is it that I do to make people not like me?" And he would try his best to comfort my broken heart and tell me there was nothing wrong with me.
I had a painful experience about 2 years ago where I thought I had a close friendship with someone and for whatever reason they did not feel the same and I got my feelings hurt. Badly. Maybe I did something to offend them? Maybe they felt I was not a good influence in their life? I may never know and that's okay. I was very bitter about it for a while and I didn't behave in the best of ways about it. But I now know that God has his reasons and maybe that person was just in my life for a season and that season ended and they didn't know how to be honest with me and let us say goodbye gracefully? Who knows but I don't dwell on it like I did.
After about a year of being upset I earnestly started to pray for God to send me a friend. And it felt pretty stupid to be doing that I will admit. Who prays for a friend? But I wanted a real friend. Someone who loves me warts and all. Someone who will challenge and encourage me. Someone I could confide in and not find out later they shared my issues with anyone who would listen. Someone who would pray for me and my family.
I only told John I was praying for a friend and he said he would start doing the same for me. We laughed about how silly it sounded but he knew I needed someone and how lonely I felt much of the time.
I have a sister but we have no relationship (her choice, not mine) and that has always been a hurdle in my life. I have nieces and nephews but I don't get to be involved with them in the way I had always dreamed I would be. And this left a hole in my heart. I wanted to be the aunt who spoiled them. Who took them off my sister's hands for an afternoon and took them out for ice cream or to a movie. I wanted them to spend the night at my house and stay up late and laugh with them and watch them play with their cousins. I wanted to do a lot of things that for now are not to be. Maybe one day God will bring restoration there and that is my prayer.
So after a while I had an opportunity to be involved in the Praise Team at my church and I got brought into Jennifer's world little by little. And I was hesitant at first because we are not a whole lot alike. I didn't want to say the wrong thing or do something that made her not like me. I swear I felt like I was 10 years old going to a new school and trying to make my first friend. It was ridiculous. And it was scary.
She is loud. And hilarious. She has no fear or cares what people think. The girl has no filter. She loves Jesus. She is an amazing mom and strives to be the best wife she can be. She is caring and loving. She is a friend who when she knows I'm having a bad week tells me she is praying for me and checks in with me throughout the day. She is beautiful inside and out and the more I got to know her the more I realized how much we do have in common. She challenges me and pushes me to step outside of my very controlled little box and be silly sometimes.
We started spending time together and confiding in one another things that were going on in our lives. We brought each other into the other's family space and began to love the other's family.
I remember several months ago the first time we met to do something with each other. I was giddy. And when I got home I was telling John about it and he smiled and said, "You have a friend." And I was like, "Do you think so? Are you sure? I'm not sure we are a lot alike? She has like a million friends...why would she need me?"
Our friendship is still a new one. But it seems like we have been friends for a long, long time. It's weird how quickly we bonded and I think we both still sometimes have to remind ourselves we are newer friends.
I get to share in her adorable little girl, Ella's, life and soon-to-be new baby's life. That has been an amazing experience for John and me. We feel like we are connected with their family in a way we were not able to be with my sister and hers. And slowly our two antisocial husbands are making connections too. It takes them longer than us women I think. ;)
God works in strange ways at times but I am even more convinced he answers prayers...even ones we think are kind of silly, like "Send me a friend!" So during this season of Thanksgiving I am thankful for so many things. But today this friendship and my sweet friend are top of my list.
For years I have had tons and tons of acquaintances, people I like to be around very much and people I respect, but I felt like I was missing those close friendships I saw so many others having. And it hurt.
Poor John. I would go to him much like a 12 year old girl at times and cry and ask him, "Why don't I have any friends? What is it that I do to make people not like me?" And he would try his best to comfort my broken heart and tell me there was nothing wrong with me.
I had a painful experience about 2 years ago where I thought I had a close friendship with someone and for whatever reason they did not feel the same and I got my feelings hurt. Badly. Maybe I did something to offend them? Maybe they felt I was not a good influence in their life? I may never know and that's okay. I was very bitter about it for a while and I didn't behave in the best of ways about it. But I now know that God has his reasons and maybe that person was just in my life for a season and that season ended and they didn't know how to be honest with me and let us say goodbye gracefully? Who knows but I don't dwell on it like I did.
After about a year of being upset I earnestly started to pray for God to send me a friend. And it felt pretty stupid to be doing that I will admit. Who prays for a friend? But I wanted a real friend. Someone who loves me warts and all. Someone who will challenge and encourage me. Someone I could confide in and not find out later they shared my issues with anyone who would listen. Someone who would pray for me and my family.
I only told John I was praying for a friend and he said he would start doing the same for me. We laughed about how silly it sounded but he knew I needed someone and how lonely I felt much of the time.
I have a sister but we have no relationship (her choice, not mine) and that has always been a hurdle in my life. I have nieces and nephews but I don't get to be involved with them in the way I had always dreamed I would be. And this left a hole in my heart. I wanted to be the aunt who spoiled them. Who took them off my sister's hands for an afternoon and took them out for ice cream or to a movie. I wanted them to spend the night at my house and stay up late and laugh with them and watch them play with their cousins. I wanted to do a lot of things that for now are not to be. Maybe one day God will bring restoration there and that is my prayer.
So after a while I had an opportunity to be involved in the Praise Team at my church and I got brought into Jennifer's world little by little. And I was hesitant at first because we are not a whole lot alike. I didn't want to say the wrong thing or do something that made her not like me. I swear I felt like I was 10 years old going to a new school and trying to make my first friend. It was ridiculous. And it was scary.
She is loud. And hilarious. She has no fear or cares what people think. The girl has no filter. She loves Jesus. She is an amazing mom and strives to be the best wife she can be. She is caring and loving. She is a friend who when she knows I'm having a bad week tells me she is praying for me and checks in with me throughout the day. She is beautiful inside and out and the more I got to know her the more I realized how much we do have in common. She challenges me and pushes me to step outside of my very controlled little box and be silly sometimes.
We started spending time together and confiding in one another things that were going on in our lives. We brought each other into the other's family space and began to love the other's family.
I remember several months ago the first time we met to do something with each other. I was giddy. And when I got home I was telling John about it and he smiled and said, "You have a friend." And I was like, "Do you think so? Are you sure? I'm not sure we are a lot alike? She has like a million friends...why would she need me?"
Our friendship is still a new one. But it seems like we have been friends for a long, long time. It's weird how quickly we bonded and I think we both still sometimes have to remind ourselves we are newer friends.
I get to share in her adorable little girl, Ella's, life and soon-to-be new baby's life. That has been an amazing experience for John and me. We feel like we are connected with their family in a way we were not able to be with my sister and hers. And slowly our two antisocial husbands are making connections too. It takes them longer than us women I think. ;)
God works in strange ways at times but I am even more convinced he answers prayers...even ones we think are kind of silly, like "Send me a friend!" So during this season of Thanksgiving I am thankful for so many things. But today this friendship and my sweet friend are top of my list.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart... Matthew 12:34
Confession time. I have a potty mouth. I can make a sailor blush. It is embarrassing and shameful and I hate it about myself. It is a horribly bad habit I picked up many years ago and it needs to go.
I have lots of excuses and justifications about it: I don't do it in front of my kids. I only do it sitting in traffic or when I am mad and John is usually the only one who hears it. It isn't hurting anyone. I don't take God's name in vain or anything like that...But these are all just ways I try to excuse it away.
God, in his wisdom, has been pointing me toward lots of scripture lately about speech. I am working on memorizing a bunch of them.
Some toe stepping ones:
And I say to you that every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment. Matthew 12:36--37
But now you also put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander and abusive speech from your mouth. Colossians 3:8
The wise in heart will be called discerning and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness. Proverbs 16:21
She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Proverbs 31:26
If you were to ride with me on 280 in the mornings or afternoons you would definitely not hear kindness on my tongue.
I have entrusted this secret of mine to several close friends and asked them to hold me accountable. I am working diligently to break myself from this habit.
I want my words to reflect what is in my heart and this ugliness is not it.
I adore singing and helping to lead worship more than just about anything. So how can I stand before my church family on Sundays and lead worship and have praise coming from my mouth then get in the car on Monday and have nothing but filth stream from it? That is a hypocrite of the worst order and I loathe hypocrites.
We are about to enter a new year and I am not big on resolutions but I am committing to clean out my vocabulary ASAP.
I have prayed and asked God to convict my heart every single time I let something slip, to have others hold me accountable and to have my sweet husband not have to hear his wife talk like she belongs in the shipyard.
They say it takes 21 days to create a habit and I have had this one for probably 15 years so it is going to be a challenge but I love a good challenge.
I have lots of excuses and justifications about it: I don't do it in front of my kids. I only do it sitting in traffic or when I am mad and John is usually the only one who hears it. It isn't hurting anyone. I don't take God's name in vain or anything like that...But these are all just ways I try to excuse it away.
God, in his wisdom, has been pointing me toward lots of scripture lately about speech. I am working on memorizing a bunch of them.
Some toe stepping ones:
And I say to you that every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment. Matthew 12:36--37
But now you also put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander and abusive speech from your mouth. Colossians 3:8
The wise in heart will be called discerning and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness. Proverbs 16:21
She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Proverbs 31:26
If you were to ride with me on 280 in the mornings or afternoons you would definitely not hear kindness on my tongue.
I have entrusted this secret of mine to several close friends and asked them to hold me accountable. I am working diligently to break myself from this habit.
I want my words to reflect what is in my heart and this ugliness is not it.
I adore singing and helping to lead worship more than just about anything. So how can I stand before my church family on Sundays and lead worship and have praise coming from my mouth then get in the car on Monday and have nothing but filth stream from it? That is a hypocrite of the worst order and I loathe hypocrites.
We are about to enter a new year and I am not big on resolutions but I am committing to clean out my vocabulary ASAP.
I have prayed and asked God to convict my heart every single time I let something slip, to have others hold me accountable and to have my sweet husband not have to hear his wife talk like she belongs in the shipyard.
They say it takes 21 days to create a habit and I have had this one for probably 15 years so it is going to be a challenge but I love a good challenge.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Letting Go
My son will be 17 in a month. I promise you I just blinked and he moved from a 4 pound miracle to this person with his own thoughts and plans and ideas. And...we don't always line up. In fact, we don't line up a lot of times. He wants what he wants and he wants it RIGHT NOW and I want him to look down the road and have a plan but the "right" plan and we both get frustrated with one another when we don't line up.
Yesterday I walked into an Army recruitment office with my son, determined to say no because I didn't think it was the right choice for him at 17. Maybe 18...or 19...maybe 20...but as a junior in high school? I told him on the way I did not have peace about this and until I did...the answer would be no. Period. Nothing they could say to make me change my mind.
And they did not...nothing they said made me change my mind. I listened to all the benefits of enrolling early and what it would mean for his pay scale down the line. I heard all about college money and future job potential. I heard about leadership and respect and discipline and all those things are true. And I sat there and listened to my son outline his plan and what he wants down the road. In my head he should still be playing with Legos and watching cartoons and coming to me for everything because he is my baby. And...he still is even at almost 17. But I also saw a glimmer of the man he wants to become.
I heard the sergeant we met with tell me how many kids come in with no one and their parents don't care if they join or not. He said his own mother didn't come with him and he did it all alone. He told Patrick he was lucky to have a mom that cares and wants to ask questions and only wants him to pick the best possible route.
I got teary eyed when I told them both that I would support Patrick no matter what he did...there is nothing under the sun he could do that would make me not love him or not support him. I know too many stories where that isn't true and I don't get it every single time I hear of a parent walking away from their child or closing the door because of conflict or they don't agree with a choice that child has made in their life. Does not compute for me.
We were there for 2 hours and I asked questions...LOTS of questions. Then we left and we had dinner together. And I reminded Patrick I want his character to remain intact. I don't want the military to change who he is and I don't want him to forget whose he is.
I went to bed still so unsure. I told John I wish this decision wasn't mine. If he waited another year it would all be on him. But that isn't where his heart is. We had a heated discussion about this last week and I said to him, "Did you ever think that maybe this isn't the path God has for you?" and he said back, "Did you ever think that maybe it IS?" Ouch. Let's be honest...I would prefer God's plan on this to line up with my plan and my plan is to keep my baby safe and in a bubble where the world doesn't corrupt him or he is out of my safekeeping ie control.
And I woke up at 2AM with it so heavy on my mind. But then God started revealing to me so many truths. Patrick doesn't belong to me. He never has. I was entrusted with him almost 17 years ago to shape and mold him...not to be what *I* want him to look like but for him to look like Jesus. And he doesn't always get that right...neither do I. I have to trust God has him right in the palm of his hand just as he always has from the minute he came into this world so tiny and helpless. And if this is not the path God wants for my son then I know my God will intervene and it won't come to pass.
But. But, but, but...if it *IS* the path then I'm standing in the way and I'm standing in the way out of selfishness.
Driving to work this morning I talked to God a lot and was listening to an awesome worship song (Shameless plug for my friend's new CD: Kevin Derryberry: He Makes All Things New available on iTunes now) and I was reminded never once have I ever walked alone. God has walked with me through some deep valleys and some amazing mountaintops. But I've never been alone and I won't be through this.
So...I have peace. It doesn't look like how I thought it would but it is still there.
This means my baby will be serving our country once a month starting before 2013 ends. This summer he will be gone for 10 weeks for basic training and my heart will be so sad but it will be okay. And I will get to see him live out a dream he has had for probably 8 years. He has always wanted to be involved in the military. His senior year of high school will look a little different as he will be serving once a month until he graduates.
But he won't walk alone either and who better to hand him back over to than the God who entrusted him to me 17 years ago.
Having a child is having your heart walk around on the outside of your body. Truer words were never spoken.
This letting go stuff is hard.
Yesterday I walked into an Army recruitment office with my son, determined to say no because I didn't think it was the right choice for him at 17. Maybe 18...or 19...maybe 20...but as a junior in high school? I told him on the way I did not have peace about this and until I did...the answer would be no. Period. Nothing they could say to make me change my mind.
And they did not...nothing they said made me change my mind. I listened to all the benefits of enrolling early and what it would mean for his pay scale down the line. I heard all about college money and future job potential. I heard about leadership and respect and discipline and all those things are true. And I sat there and listened to my son outline his plan and what he wants down the road. In my head he should still be playing with Legos and watching cartoons and coming to me for everything because he is my baby. And...he still is even at almost 17. But I also saw a glimmer of the man he wants to become.
I heard the sergeant we met with tell me how many kids come in with no one and their parents don't care if they join or not. He said his own mother didn't come with him and he did it all alone. He told Patrick he was lucky to have a mom that cares and wants to ask questions and only wants him to pick the best possible route.
I got teary eyed when I told them both that I would support Patrick no matter what he did...there is nothing under the sun he could do that would make me not love him or not support him. I know too many stories where that isn't true and I don't get it every single time I hear of a parent walking away from their child or closing the door because of conflict or they don't agree with a choice that child has made in their life. Does not compute for me.
We were there for 2 hours and I asked questions...LOTS of questions. Then we left and we had dinner together. And I reminded Patrick I want his character to remain intact. I don't want the military to change who he is and I don't want him to forget whose he is.
I went to bed still so unsure. I told John I wish this decision wasn't mine. If he waited another year it would all be on him. But that isn't where his heart is. We had a heated discussion about this last week and I said to him, "Did you ever think that maybe this isn't the path God has for you?" and he said back, "Did you ever think that maybe it IS?" Ouch. Let's be honest...I would prefer God's plan on this to line up with my plan and my plan is to keep my baby safe and in a bubble where the world doesn't corrupt him or he is out of my safekeeping ie control.
And I woke up at 2AM with it so heavy on my mind. But then God started revealing to me so many truths. Patrick doesn't belong to me. He never has. I was entrusted with him almost 17 years ago to shape and mold him...not to be what *I* want him to look like but for him to look like Jesus. And he doesn't always get that right...neither do I. I have to trust God has him right in the palm of his hand just as he always has from the minute he came into this world so tiny and helpless. And if this is not the path God wants for my son then I know my God will intervene and it won't come to pass.
But. But, but, but...if it *IS* the path then I'm standing in the way and I'm standing in the way out of selfishness.
Driving to work this morning I talked to God a lot and was listening to an awesome worship song (Shameless plug for my friend's new CD: Kevin Derryberry: He Makes All Things New available on iTunes now) and I was reminded never once have I ever walked alone. God has walked with me through some deep valleys and some amazing mountaintops. But I've never been alone and I won't be through this.
So...I have peace. It doesn't look like how I thought it would but it is still there.
This means my baby will be serving our country once a month starting before 2013 ends. This summer he will be gone for 10 weeks for basic training and my heart will be so sad but it will be okay. And I will get to see him live out a dream he has had for probably 8 years. He has always wanted to be involved in the military. His senior year of high school will look a little different as he will be serving once a month until he graduates.
But he won't walk alone either and who better to hand him back over to than the God who entrusted him to me 17 years ago.
Having a child is having your heart walk around on the outside of your body. Truer words were never spoken.
This letting go stuff is hard.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
"Is it okay to fail?"
"Is it okay to fail?' For the last 24 hours these words have haunted my thoughts, kept me awake and rocked my world.
Yesterday in a counseling session (yes...I do counseling...it's okay...I promise) I was asked, "Kristin, I want to ask you something and I want you to think and then answer with brutal honesty...is it okay to fail?"
I paused and then I became uncomfortable. "Well...that depends. It isn't really black and white...there are gray..."
"Kristin. Yes or no. Is it okay to fail?"
"But...you see...it isn't just a yes or no question. Do you mean professionally or spiritually or..."
"I mean exactly what I said...is it okay to fail?"
And then I got flustered and he pushed and I argued and he kept pushing and I blurted out, "No! No...it is not acceptable to fail."
And he sat back, tented his fingers and let that sink in then asked me why I hold myself to such high and impossible standards and...and this is the one that got me...why do I hold others to such high and impossible standards that they can never meet?
I walked out of there with my head kind of swimming. *Do* I do that? I know I'm not perfect...I fail constantly but doing something and accepting something as a possibility from the get-go and being okay with it are different. Aren't they?
I am a perfectionist. If I tackle something it needs to be perfect. I don't accept half way. My house is always clean. The menu board always written in each day of meals. The kids' clothes laid out the night before in a neat pile. I can't stand clutter. I rarely sit down once I get home. There is always something that needs to be done. And many of these things are *good* things. Jumping on the trampoline with my boys. Reading a book to them. Playing some insane game with cards where monsters have attack points and they fight each other and you have to calculate your points which I am horrible at because hello? Math! I try to be the very best at my job or any hobby or being a good friend or serving or whatever area you pick. I want to excel and there is nothing wrong with that. But. Is it okay to fail? And, more importantly, am I okay with letting others in my life fail?
As we wrapped up my guy said, "If you never fail or allow others to fail how will you/they know and appreciate the taste of success and how good it can be?"
Mind = blown.
I was talking to a sweet and dear new Mom last night and she was talking about things she does and doesn't do with her little guy. As we talked and she asked my opinion about some things and I heard some of the things I said while this whole failure thing is camped out in my head I thought that I have not allowed my children to fail. I hold them to an almost impossible standard and I don't accept failure.
I focus on things that are not what will matter at the end. I have said numerous times the legacy I want to leave when I exit this Earth is to have invested in my family and those around me. And I mean that. That is what I want more than any other thing. But...I don't always do the things that live out that desire.
So...I'm attempting to fail and I am going to allow others to fail. Even typing that sounds ridiculous to my brain. My brain hasn't quite caught up yet with where my heart is today.
Yesterday in a counseling session (yes...I do counseling...it's okay...I promise) I was asked, "Kristin, I want to ask you something and I want you to think and then answer with brutal honesty...is it okay to fail?"
I paused and then I became uncomfortable. "Well...that depends. It isn't really black and white...there are gray..."
"Kristin. Yes or no. Is it okay to fail?"
"But...you see...it isn't just a yes or no question. Do you mean professionally or spiritually or..."
"I mean exactly what I said...is it okay to fail?"
And then I got flustered and he pushed and I argued and he kept pushing and I blurted out, "No! No...it is not acceptable to fail."
And he sat back, tented his fingers and let that sink in then asked me why I hold myself to such high and impossible standards and...and this is the one that got me...why do I hold others to such high and impossible standards that they can never meet?
I walked out of there with my head kind of swimming. *Do* I do that? I know I'm not perfect...I fail constantly but doing something and accepting something as a possibility from the get-go and being okay with it are different. Aren't they?
I am a perfectionist. If I tackle something it needs to be perfect. I don't accept half way. My house is always clean. The menu board always written in each day of meals. The kids' clothes laid out the night before in a neat pile. I can't stand clutter. I rarely sit down once I get home. There is always something that needs to be done. And many of these things are *good* things. Jumping on the trampoline with my boys. Reading a book to them. Playing some insane game with cards where monsters have attack points and they fight each other and you have to calculate your points which I am horrible at because hello? Math! I try to be the very best at my job or any hobby or being a good friend or serving or whatever area you pick. I want to excel and there is nothing wrong with that. But. Is it okay to fail? And, more importantly, am I okay with letting others in my life fail?
As we wrapped up my guy said, "If you never fail or allow others to fail how will you/they know and appreciate the taste of success and how good it can be?"
Mind = blown.
I was talking to a sweet and dear new Mom last night and she was talking about things she does and doesn't do with her little guy. As we talked and she asked my opinion about some things and I heard some of the things I said while this whole failure thing is camped out in my head I thought that I have not allowed my children to fail. I hold them to an almost impossible standard and I don't accept failure.
I focus on things that are not what will matter at the end. I have said numerous times the legacy I want to leave when I exit this Earth is to have invested in my family and those around me. And I mean that. That is what I want more than any other thing. But...I don't always do the things that live out that desire.
So...I'm attempting to fail and I am going to allow others to fail. Even typing that sounds ridiculous to my brain. My brain hasn't quite caught up yet with where my heart is today.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Lost Moments
Was at the pool with the boys Saturday afternoon. I swam with them for a while then decided to get out and let Daddy play for a bit so I could grab some water.
This mother walked in with her children and sat down a chair away from me. She had a little boy just smaller than Colin and he was so excited to be at the pool. She spread out her towel and gave the ok and her kids were off into the water except for the little guy. He said, "Mommy? Get in the water with me! Let's play." And she told him, "I will in a little while...go play by yourself for right now."
I didn't think anything about it and she got on her phone and began having a rather lengthy conversation.
After about 15 minutes her little boy came up again with this huge smile on his face. "Mommy? Mommy? The water is so much fun...come get wet with me. I want to play with you." And she told him, "I will...in a little while..." He shrugged and went off to play and she struck up a conversation with a lady that passed by she obviously knew from somewhere. They talked for a while about a Girls Night they desperately needed.
The little boy wandered over to where John, Colin and Josh were playing and began to play with them. John was letting Colin jump into the water to him and this little boy started to do the same thing, wanting John to catch him.
His Mom looked over at me and said, "Boy...your husband is going to be tired tonight." She doesn't know us. She has no idea the type of man John is. Now I know he adores children and would never even think of harming a child but she doesn't know that. She is content to let her little boy play with them rather than take some time with him herself. She turned over in her chair to better tan and I got this overwhelming sense of sadness then I got MAD. I sat there thinking this kid deserves better. He wants you. He desires time with you. And you are too busy.
Then I was convicted. I've been that Mother in years past. I was so selfish and put my needs ahead of the amazing gifts I had with my two (at the time) boys. Lord, I confess I was blind to the enormous responsibility you gave me when you made me a Mother at times past in my life. But...but I praise and thank you that you changed my heart and made me realize there is no greater joy...no greater calling than to be called Mother.
I got back in the water to play some more and another 15 minutes went by and we started to gather up our things to head out. This precious little one came up to his Mother again and was crying, "Mommy? You said you would get in the water with me. You said you would play. Please come play with me..." And she looked up and snapped, "No! I'm not going to get in the water...there are plenty of kids to play with. Go find someone. Stop begging me!" And he had this look on his face of complete rejection and he walked off.
I wanted so badly to stop and tell her what she is missing. I had to put my sunglasses on to cover up the tears I felt coming at seeing that child's face as he walked away. Now I don't know this woman...I only know what I observed in an hour at the pool but my heart breaks for her if this is the interaction she has regularly. I thought on the way home of all the things I wish I had said...or done...or tried to talk to her but I'm sure she would have told me to mind my own business...just as I would have done in the past if anyone had told me how to raise my own kids.
But as I was going to sleep last night I kept seeing that little boy's face when she told him to go away and stop begging her. It was heartbreak. A perfect picture of what heartbreak looks like.
It is so important to not get so caught up in our lives, jobs, struggles, whatever it is that is taking our focus away from these little lives that have been entrusted to us. They are gifts. They are precious. They are not going to be with us forever.
Sunday at church Colin reached for me to hold him during the last song of worship. It is hard for me physically to hold him for a long period of time so I balanced him on the back of the chair in front of us and he held onto me and hugged me while we sang. We took communion and he leaned over to ask me if it was Jesus' blood and I whispered to him the symbolism of what it is as he looked up at me, very serious and nodded. I thought back to that sweet little face from the pool and I looked 2 rows up from me and saw a set of parents who lost their little boy recently and my heart again broke for lost moments and for Mothers who don't know even that they have lost anything yet because they are so tied up in life to even see. I know that Mother would give anything to play in the water with her little boy. Anything.
I am not a perfect Mother...I make so many mistakes but I do know I am blessed beyond measure to have the 3 boys I have even when they make me crazy and they do things that make me think they are from another planet. I love them to tiny little pieces. I would not trade the moments I have held on to over the last 5 years for anything.
This mother walked in with her children and sat down a chair away from me. She had a little boy just smaller than Colin and he was so excited to be at the pool. She spread out her towel and gave the ok and her kids were off into the water except for the little guy. He said, "Mommy? Get in the water with me! Let's play." And she told him, "I will in a little while...go play by yourself for right now."
I didn't think anything about it and she got on her phone and began having a rather lengthy conversation.
After about 15 minutes her little boy came up again with this huge smile on his face. "Mommy? Mommy? The water is so much fun...come get wet with me. I want to play with you." And she told him, "I will...in a little while..." He shrugged and went off to play and she struck up a conversation with a lady that passed by she obviously knew from somewhere. They talked for a while about a Girls Night they desperately needed.
The little boy wandered over to where John, Colin and Josh were playing and began to play with them. John was letting Colin jump into the water to him and this little boy started to do the same thing, wanting John to catch him.
His Mom looked over at me and said, "Boy...your husband is going to be tired tonight." She doesn't know us. She has no idea the type of man John is. Now I know he adores children and would never even think of harming a child but she doesn't know that. She is content to let her little boy play with them rather than take some time with him herself. She turned over in her chair to better tan and I got this overwhelming sense of sadness then I got MAD. I sat there thinking this kid deserves better. He wants you. He desires time with you. And you are too busy.
Then I was convicted. I've been that Mother in years past. I was so selfish and put my needs ahead of the amazing gifts I had with my two (at the time) boys. Lord, I confess I was blind to the enormous responsibility you gave me when you made me a Mother at times past in my life. But...but I praise and thank you that you changed my heart and made me realize there is no greater joy...no greater calling than to be called Mother.
I got back in the water to play some more and another 15 minutes went by and we started to gather up our things to head out. This precious little one came up to his Mother again and was crying, "Mommy? You said you would get in the water with me. You said you would play. Please come play with me..." And she looked up and snapped, "No! I'm not going to get in the water...there are plenty of kids to play with. Go find someone. Stop begging me!" And he had this look on his face of complete rejection and he walked off.
I wanted so badly to stop and tell her what she is missing. I had to put my sunglasses on to cover up the tears I felt coming at seeing that child's face as he walked away. Now I don't know this woman...I only know what I observed in an hour at the pool but my heart breaks for her if this is the interaction she has regularly. I thought on the way home of all the things I wish I had said...or done...or tried to talk to her but I'm sure she would have told me to mind my own business...just as I would have done in the past if anyone had told me how to raise my own kids.
But as I was going to sleep last night I kept seeing that little boy's face when she told him to go away and stop begging her. It was heartbreak. A perfect picture of what heartbreak looks like.
It is so important to not get so caught up in our lives, jobs, struggles, whatever it is that is taking our focus away from these little lives that have been entrusted to us. They are gifts. They are precious. They are not going to be with us forever.
Sunday at church Colin reached for me to hold him during the last song of worship. It is hard for me physically to hold him for a long period of time so I balanced him on the back of the chair in front of us and he held onto me and hugged me while we sang. We took communion and he leaned over to ask me if it was Jesus' blood and I whispered to him the symbolism of what it is as he looked up at me, very serious and nodded. I thought back to that sweet little face from the pool and I looked 2 rows up from me and saw a set of parents who lost their little boy recently and my heart again broke for lost moments and for Mothers who don't know even that they have lost anything yet because they are so tied up in life to even see. I know that Mother would give anything to play in the water with her little boy. Anything.
I am not a perfect Mother...I make so many mistakes but I do know I am blessed beyond measure to have the 3 boys I have even when they make me crazy and they do things that make me think they are from another planet. I love them to tiny little pieces. I would not trade the moments I have held on to over the last 5 years for anything.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Big Picture God or Intimate God?
Was having a conversation with someone yesterday about our views of God. It got interesting. This person has a picture of God as being Big Picture God. He sets the ball in motion then sits back and just kind of waits to see what happens, what choices you will make, how things turn out. Not really involved in the tiny day-to-day details of our lives.
I guess I can see *why* someone would have that mindset but to me it is so much more. To me, God wants to be intimately involved in the mundane details of my day. He tells me in his word he knows the hairs on my head, my name is written on his hands and he keeps my tears in a bottle. That isn't Big Picture God. That is right there with me constantly God. Wanting to be exactly who I turn to every single day God. Involved God. Not just sitting back in some cosmic cloud waiting to see how things go.
And it made me a little sad that this person I love dearly has only a Big Picture God relationship. For me, you are missing out on so much if you only have the Big Picture view of God.
But it did get me thinking...I tend to pray for things a lot. I pray for my husband. My kids. People I know going through things. I pray for the weather sometimes if we have plans or I know we need a sunny day or a rainy one. I pray for parking spaces when I have my kids with me and it is pouring down rain and I want to get in and out as quickly as possible. I pray for my church. I pray for friends that don't have a relationship with Christ. I pray for God to reveal himself to them in a way they can't deny him. I pray for Celebrate Recovery...that I will be the leader God needs me to be and not the leader I think I should be. I pray for wisdom in making decisions for myself or my kids. I pray for my kids...a lot. Bless them...they need it.
The person I was talking to yesterday said they only pray for major things because God has a lot going on and praying for small things is kind of silly and a little bit selfish. Again...Big Picture God vs. Intimate God.
But, boy oh boy has this got my brain in overdrive today. I literally keep coming back to example after example of Big Picture God viewpoint then Intimate God viewpoint. It also has me thinking about Intellectual Relationship with God and Emotional Relationship with God. Do I think about my spirituality with my brain or with my heart?
I think I've come to the conclusion that neither viewpoint is necessarily wrong but with one you might be missing out on such a deep relationship.
No big conclusion...just lots of questions and interesting things going on in my brain.
I guess I can see *why* someone would have that mindset but to me it is so much more. To me, God wants to be intimately involved in the mundane details of my day. He tells me in his word he knows the hairs on my head, my name is written on his hands and he keeps my tears in a bottle. That isn't Big Picture God. That is right there with me constantly God. Wanting to be exactly who I turn to every single day God. Involved God. Not just sitting back in some cosmic cloud waiting to see how things go.
And it made me a little sad that this person I love dearly has only a Big Picture God relationship. For me, you are missing out on so much if you only have the Big Picture view of God.
But it did get me thinking...I tend to pray for things a lot. I pray for my husband. My kids. People I know going through things. I pray for the weather sometimes if we have plans or I know we need a sunny day or a rainy one. I pray for parking spaces when I have my kids with me and it is pouring down rain and I want to get in and out as quickly as possible. I pray for my church. I pray for friends that don't have a relationship with Christ. I pray for God to reveal himself to them in a way they can't deny him. I pray for Celebrate Recovery...that I will be the leader God needs me to be and not the leader I think I should be. I pray for wisdom in making decisions for myself or my kids. I pray for my kids...a lot. Bless them...they need it.
The person I was talking to yesterday said they only pray for major things because God has a lot going on and praying for small things is kind of silly and a little bit selfish. Again...Big Picture God vs. Intimate God.
But, boy oh boy has this got my brain in overdrive today. I literally keep coming back to example after example of Big Picture God viewpoint then Intimate God viewpoint. It also has me thinking about Intellectual Relationship with God and Emotional Relationship with God. Do I think about my spirituality with my brain or with my heart?
I think I've come to the conclusion that neither viewpoint is necessarily wrong but with one you might be missing out on such a deep relationship.
No big conclusion...just lots of questions and interesting things going on in my brain.
Monday, April 8, 2013
The theology of a 4 year old
My kids are pretty awesome. Don't get me wrong, they have their moments where I would gladly set them out on the front porch with a sign that reads, "Free to a good home" but overall they are good boys. I love to see the world through their eyes and experience things on their level with them.
Sunday night I was trying to catch up on The Bible miniseries that aired on the History Channel recently. I was down to the last episode...Passion...and it depicted the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ. Colin wandered in and climbed up on the bed with me to watch. He was very quiet.
Then it got to the part where Jesus walked down the road, carrying his cross. When the image flashed on the screen Colin took in his breath and said very quietly..."Oh, Jesus..." I said nothing and we kept watching but I watched him closely.
They took the nails and began to hammer them in and Colin sat up and watched intently. At one point he lowered his head and said again, "My poor Jesus..."
When the cross was lifted up in the air Colin turned to me and said, "Oh no. I can't take it, Mommy." We turned the movie off and talked for a little while and he explained to me that Jesus was not a bad guy and they treated him like he was but that he still let them kill him with a cross because he loves us.
I know Colin is 4. I know he doesn't understand theology. He can't explain to me the Trinity or a list of doctrine. But what I do know is he knows Jesus loves him.
At his last check up he had to get 4 shots. Before the nurse came in he looked at me and said, "Mommy...call Mr. Kevin right now. Tell him to pray for me." He knows how to lean on people he trusts and ask them to walk with him in his fear.
When he had a bad day at school recently he asked me to pray for his heart that God would take out the mad and put in happy things. He knows who to turn to to ask for help in his disobedience.
During Communion he will always lean over and tell me, "That's the blood, Mommy. It's really grape juice but you pretend and remember it is Jesus' blood. That cracker is his body and his bones. One day, I'll have Jesus in my heart too and I'll remember." He understands remembrance of what Christ did for us.
If you ask him why there is sin and ugly things in the world he will tell you, "Because the devil told Even a terrible lie...and she believed him..."
Of course he is a 4 year old little boy and he makes bad choices and tries my patience...but his heart gets it and for this I am so glad and excited to see how his faith develops as the rest of him catches up with his heart.
Sunday night I was trying to catch up on The Bible miniseries that aired on the History Channel recently. I was down to the last episode...Passion...and it depicted the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ. Colin wandered in and climbed up on the bed with me to watch. He was very quiet.
Then it got to the part where Jesus walked down the road, carrying his cross. When the image flashed on the screen Colin took in his breath and said very quietly..."Oh, Jesus..." I said nothing and we kept watching but I watched him closely.
They took the nails and began to hammer them in and Colin sat up and watched intently. At one point he lowered his head and said again, "My poor Jesus..."
When the cross was lifted up in the air Colin turned to me and said, "Oh no. I can't take it, Mommy." We turned the movie off and talked for a little while and he explained to me that Jesus was not a bad guy and they treated him like he was but that he still let them kill him with a cross because he loves us.
I know Colin is 4. I know he doesn't understand theology. He can't explain to me the Trinity or a list of doctrine. But what I do know is he knows Jesus loves him.
At his last check up he had to get 4 shots. Before the nurse came in he looked at me and said, "Mommy...call Mr. Kevin right now. Tell him to pray for me." He knows how to lean on people he trusts and ask them to walk with him in his fear.
When he had a bad day at school recently he asked me to pray for his heart that God would take out the mad and put in happy things. He knows who to turn to to ask for help in his disobedience.
During Communion he will always lean over and tell me, "That's the blood, Mommy. It's really grape juice but you pretend and remember it is Jesus' blood. That cracker is his body and his bones. One day, I'll have Jesus in my heart too and I'll remember." He understands remembrance of what Christ did for us.
If you ask him why there is sin and ugly things in the world he will tell you, "Because the devil told Even a terrible lie...and she believed him..."
Of course he is a 4 year old little boy and he makes bad choices and tries my patience...but his heart gets it and for this I am so glad and excited to see how his faith develops as the rest of him catches up with his heart.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Easter Wrap-Up
I love Easter. I love the newness. I love the meaning. I love the ending of one story and the beginning of another. I love the time with family. I love standing in church, thinking about the cross.
But...for me, Jesus is alive 365 days a year...not just on Easter. It's great to see the reminders and it is great to give it special space in my head on Easter but am I living my life every single day like Jesus is alive? Am I excited every single day to tell people Christ is risen?
Am I willing to put myself out there and stand up for what I think is right...even if I'm standing alone? Am I willing to be transparent and show the grace God has given me in my life or do I want to hide behind a mask of perfection to the outside world because I'm worried about what they think?
Do I judge people just because they sin differently than I do? Do I accept that Christ died for us WHILE we were yet sinners? There was nothing we had to do first...it was not conditional.
Am I constantly checking my motivations and trying to have integrity in my life? A half-truth is a whole lie. Truth fears nothing but concealment. The truth may hurt but it is the lie that leaves the scar.
So while it is amazing to celebrate Easter and remember what it means...I want to strive to have that in my life 365 days a year.
But...for me, Jesus is alive 365 days a year...not just on Easter. It's great to see the reminders and it is great to give it special space in my head on Easter but am I living my life every single day like Jesus is alive? Am I excited every single day to tell people Christ is risen?
Am I willing to put myself out there and stand up for what I think is right...even if I'm standing alone? Am I willing to be transparent and show the grace God has given me in my life or do I want to hide behind a mask of perfection to the outside world because I'm worried about what they think?
Do I judge people just because they sin differently than I do? Do I accept that Christ died for us WHILE we were yet sinners? There was nothing we had to do first...it was not conditional.
Am I constantly checking my motivations and trying to have integrity in my life? A half-truth is a whole lie. Truth fears nothing but concealment. The truth may hurt but it is the lie that leaves the scar.
So while it is amazing to celebrate Easter and remember what it means...I want to strive to have that in my life 365 days a year.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Leaving a Legacy
I've shared this story a few times but I always come back to it whenever I think about or hear someone talking about the kind of legacy they want to leave when they exit this world.
When my middle son, Josh, was in 1st grade his teacher asked them to draw a picture of their family and show them doing the things that made them happy. Josh came home with his book of his family and in it I found several stick figure drawings and captions.
"My Daddy is happy when he grills food." And there was John with a little grill and curly smoke drawn in.
"My big brother, Patrick is happy when he plays on the computer or video games." Patrick with a big smile, playing what looked like a complicated army game of some type.
"My baby brother, Colin, is happy when he is eating food." Now, if you knew Colin when he was a baby you would chuckle at how funny and true this statement was. There was a reason we called him Chunkwad when he was little. That boy could eat.
Next came me. "My Mommy is only happy when she goes to work." And there was a stick figure Mommy, complete with a little stick figure triangle dress and what looked to be a briefcase.
Think that hurt a little? Not, "My Mommy is happy when she reads me a book" or "My Mommy is happy when we play together".
See during that time I was very focused on my career. I worked a lot. I came home and worked. I left the house early and worked. I missed countless school parties or events because I couldn't leave work. Work was my focus.
Seeing that picture that my sweet boy had drawn was a punch in the gut. This was the legacy I was leaving for my 3 children. A Mom that cared a whole bunch about a job.
I had spent 10 years working to the level I was at in my industry. I put a lot into getting where I was and there is nothing wrong with having pride in your achievements and accomplishments...but...they had become an idol in my life.
I started praying that God would intervene and show me how I could make changes. Little did I know how exactly He would work this out.
A few months after I started praying this I walked into what I thought was a meeting to discuss a huge project I was over and had spent hours getting ready to launch. And in a split second I went from having this job I had invested so much in to being told my position was being eliminated. All those late nights? Didn't matter. All the parties or school events I had missed? Didn't matter. My identity was gone because I had made my identity my job. I was a little stunned to be honest. I walked out and drove home and I remember wondering what in the world we were going to do. My salary was our primary income...I carried the insurance for all of us. How were things going to work out?
See when you pray for God to intervene you never know what form that will take. But...know that He has a plan even when it is so hard to see.
I stayed home the first month and basically felt sorry for myself. How dare they let me go! Didn't they know how much I had sacrificed? And even though I had prayed for God to intervene I didn't quite like how He was going about it. I didn't mean I wanted to LOSE my job...I just wanted Him to show me how to make changes.
During this time I started running and one day I was running around the lake in our neighborhood and was listening to my iPod. The song, "While I'm Waiting" came on and I had heard it a lot but I stopped and stood by the lake and really listened to the words.
I'm waiting...I'm waiting on you, Lord.
Thought it is painful
Patiently, I will wait.
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait.
And in that moment I felt peaceful about my circumstances. In fact, had anyone else been around the lake that morning they would have probably thought I was a crazy person because I knelt by the water, lifted my hands and prayed the lyrics to that song out loud. And I meant them.
That Sunday there was an announcement in our church bulletin that the church was starting up a new ministry called Celebrate Recovery. I went to the meeting to learn about becoming a leader. Had I not been off work I never would have gone because I wouldn't have had the time to devote to being involved.
Do you see how amazingly God intervened? Oh, how good He is and how He works all things out for good for those who love Him. He took me out of where I was investing in useless things and plopped me right down in the middle of a ministry that He knew would nourish my soul and let me have the wonderful opportunity to invest in things that matter. If you have ever had a conversation with me you know how much CR and the people who attend CR mean to me.
I get to see people surrender their hurts, habits and hang ups to God and transform their lives. I get to see redemption win. I get to see beauty made from ashes.
Look at the story 4 years later...I have another job but I only work until 2:30 each day. My salary is about 40% less than what it was. I don't have a fancy title or access to the executive dining room or any of the perks I had in the past. But, do you know what I do get to do? I haven't missed a school party in the last few years. I am home when my babies are sick. I don't work once I leave the office. And I bet if Josh had to do another assignment about his family the last thing he would list that makes his Mom happy would be going to work. There would be a long list of things he could say other than my job being who I was.
What I thought was a huge tragedy turned out to be the biggest blessing I could imagine. And the legacy I hope I am leaving has nothing to do with a corporate business plan or can be shown on a spreadsheet.
God is good like that.
When my middle son, Josh, was in 1st grade his teacher asked them to draw a picture of their family and show them doing the things that made them happy. Josh came home with his book of his family and in it I found several stick figure drawings and captions.
"My Daddy is happy when he grills food." And there was John with a little grill and curly smoke drawn in.
"My big brother, Patrick is happy when he plays on the computer or video games." Patrick with a big smile, playing what looked like a complicated army game of some type.
"My baby brother, Colin, is happy when he is eating food." Now, if you knew Colin when he was a baby you would chuckle at how funny and true this statement was. There was a reason we called him Chunkwad when he was little. That boy could eat.
Next came me. "My Mommy is only happy when she goes to work." And there was a stick figure Mommy, complete with a little stick figure triangle dress and what looked to be a briefcase.
Think that hurt a little? Not, "My Mommy is happy when she reads me a book" or "My Mommy is happy when we play together".
See during that time I was very focused on my career. I worked a lot. I came home and worked. I left the house early and worked. I missed countless school parties or events because I couldn't leave work. Work was my focus.
Seeing that picture that my sweet boy had drawn was a punch in the gut. This was the legacy I was leaving for my 3 children. A Mom that cared a whole bunch about a job.
I had spent 10 years working to the level I was at in my industry. I put a lot into getting where I was and there is nothing wrong with having pride in your achievements and accomplishments...but...they had become an idol in my life.
I started praying that God would intervene and show me how I could make changes. Little did I know how exactly He would work this out.
A few months after I started praying this I walked into what I thought was a meeting to discuss a huge project I was over and had spent hours getting ready to launch. And in a split second I went from having this job I had invested so much in to being told my position was being eliminated. All those late nights? Didn't matter. All the parties or school events I had missed? Didn't matter. My identity was gone because I had made my identity my job. I was a little stunned to be honest. I walked out and drove home and I remember wondering what in the world we were going to do. My salary was our primary income...I carried the insurance for all of us. How were things going to work out?
See when you pray for God to intervene you never know what form that will take. But...know that He has a plan even when it is so hard to see.
I stayed home the first month and basically felt sorry for myself. How dare they let me go! Didn't they know how much I had sacrificed? And even though I had prayed for God to intervene I didn't quite like how He was going about it. I didn't mean I wanted to LOSE my job...I just wanted Him to show me how to make changes.
During this time I started running and one day I was running around the lake in our neighborhood and was listening to my iPod. The song, "While I'm Waiting" came on and I had heard it a lot but I stopped and stood by the lake and really listened to the words.
I'm waiting...I'm waiting on you, Lord.
Thought it is painful
Patiently, I will wait.
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait.
And in that moment I felt peaceful about my circumstances. In fact, had anyone else been around the lake that morning they would have probably thought I was a crazy person because I knelt by the water, lifted my hands and prayed the lyrics to that song out loud. And I meant them.
That Sunday there was an announcement in our church bulletin that the church was starting up a new ministry called Celebrate Recovery. I went to the meeting to learn about becoming a leader. Had I not been off work I never would have gone because I wouldn't have had the time to devote to being involved.
Do you see how amazingly God intervened? Oh, how good He is and how He works all things out for good for those who love Him. He took me out of where I was investing in useless things and plopped me right down in the middle of a ministry that He knew would nourish my soul and let me have the wonderful opportunity to invest in things that matter. If you have ever had a conversation with me you know how much CR and the people who attend CR mean to me.
I get to see people surrender their hurts, habits and hang ups to God and transform their lives. I get to see redemption win. I get to see beauty made from ashes.
Look at the story 4 years later...I have another job but I only work until 2:30 each day. My salary is about 40% less than what it was. I don't have a fancy title or access to the executive dining room or any of the perks I had in the past. But, do you know what I do get to do? I haven't missed a school party in the last few years. I am home when my babies are sick. I don't work once I leave the office. And I bet if Josh had to do another assignment about his family the last thing he would list that makes his Mom happy would be going to work. There would be a long list of things he could say other than my job being who I was.
What I thought was a huge tragedy turned out to be the biggest blessing I could imagine. And the legacy I hope I am leaving has nothing to do with a corporate business plan or can be shown on a spreadsheet.
God is good like that.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
I trust you...but do you know what you are doing?
We took the boys on a mini Spring Break trip to Chattanooga earlier this week. Late one afternoon John and Josh wanted to swim and hang out at the hotel but Colin and I were up for adventure. Ha...little did we know what an adventure we would have.
We hopped on the shuttle to get to the aquarium. It was overcast so I grabbed my umbrella as we headed out. We had already been to the aquarium earlier in the day but since the tickets were good all day we decided we would go back and hit some of our favorite things. We wandered around and just hung out together. It was pretty spectacular.
We left the aquarium and Colin asked if we could stop for a drink and snack so we did. As we got ready to leave the little shop the sky looked dark but I knew the shuttle stop was only a few blocks away so we headed out. We made it about half way and the bottom fell out of the sky...huge rain, thunder, lightning and then it started to hail. I tried to open our umbrella and it wouldn't open. Dime size pieces of hail are now pelting the ground all around us. We huddled under the overhang of a small building while I struggled with the umbrella to no avail.
We both had on light jackets and I told Colin to put his hood up and keep his head down so the hail didn't hit him in the eyes/face. Just as I was giving him these instructions his eyes got teary and he said, "Mommy? I'm kind of scared. But I trust you..."
We ran to the next building that had a larger overhang and in the process stepped in every puddle so now we have soaking wet gym shoes. As we paused again I tried to be cheerful and tell Colin that the shuttle stop wasn't far now and we were almost there...to just hold on...it was all going to be okay. And then he said, "I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?"
We made it to the shuttle and then we made it to our hotel. By the time we walked in we were drenched and cold.
After we had a hot bath and it was all over we laughed and told John and Josh all about our adventure. Now it was funny and we laughed about all the puddles and how we hit every one of them. In the safety of the hotel it became a cool story to share instead of something scary.
Later that night I couldn't sleep and I thought about what he had said to me. "I am kind of scared...but I trust you." I say that to God often. Then as things progressed and got a little rockier..."I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?" Ouch.
How many times do I ask God the same thing? Like I know you've got this but just in case...are you SURE you know what you are doing? Maybe if you would just take this little suggestion I have that would work better? Maybe? Here...let me tell you how this should look...
So in the middle of a hailstorm I got a look at faith and how our circumstances sometimes dictate our faith.
Instead of trusting completely we want to still hold on to that control we think we have or want to have. But what we need to learn to do is to just trust and leave it at that.
We hopped on the shuttle to get to the aquarium. It was overcast so I grabbed my umbrella as we headed out. We had already been to the aquarium earlier in the day but since the tickets were good all day we decided we would go back and hit some of our favorite things. We wandered around and just hung out together. It was pretty spectacular.
We left the aquarium and Colin asked if we could stop for a drink and snack so we did. As we got ready to leave the little shop the sky looked dark but I knew the shuttle stop was only a few blocks away so we headed out. We made it about half way and the bottom fell out of the sky...huge rain, thunder, lightning and then it started to hail. I tried to open our umbrella and it wouldn't open. Dime size pieces of hail are now pelting the ground all around us. We huddled under the overhang of a small building while I struggled with the umbrella to no avail.
We both had on light jackets and I told Colin to put his hood up and keep his head down so the hail didn't hit him in the eyes/face. Just as I was giving him these instructions his eyes got teary and he said, "Mommy? I'm kind of scared. But I trust you..."
We ran to the next building that had a larger overhang and in the process stepped in every puddle so now we have soaking wet gym shoes. As we paused again I tried to be cheerful and tell Colin that the shuttle stop wasn't far now and we were almost there...to just hold on...it was all going to be okay. And then he said, "I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?"
We made it to the shuttle and then we made it to our hotel. By the time we walked in we were drenched and cold.
After we had a hot bath and it was all over we laughed and told John and Josh all about our adventure. Now it was funny and we laughed about all the puddles and how we hit every one of them. In the safety of the hotel it became a cool story to share instead of something scary.
Later that night I couldn't sleep and I thought about what he had said to me. "I am kind of scared...but I trust you." I say that to God often. Then as things progressed and got a little rockier..."I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?" Ouch.
How many times do I ask God the same thing? Like I know you've got this but just in case...are you SURE you know what you are doing? Maybe if you would just take this little suggestion I have that would work better? Maybe? Here...let me tell you how this should look...
So in the middle of a hailstorm I got a look at faith and how our circumstances sometimes dictate our faith.
Instead of trusting completely we want to still hold on to that control we think we have or want to have. But what we need to learn to do is to just trust and leave it at that.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
I don't want to be safe.
"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." C.S. Lewis
Ever had one of those days where God is shouting to you through painful circumstances?
I don't know about you but...I like things my way. I am what some might call a control freak. I know what I want, how I want it and I do everything in my power to make it so. This is not a good trait to have at times. It especially doesn't work when you have a person in your life that is the exact same way and you both want different things. Enter conflict.
I have 3 boys but this isn't about my younger two...at least not yet. This is about my firstborn. I love all 3 of my kids but Patrick will always be my first. He entered the world as a 4 pound miracle and the second they put him in my arms he became my world. It was if someone reached inside my body and sectioned off a chunk of my heart and formed it into this tiny little thing. Seeing Patrick walk around is like seeing my heart in living and breathing flesh.
And now he is pulling away from me...in many ways like he is supposed to...but in others I fear it is a disobedient heart and that scares me. I want to mold him and shape him into the man I think he should be. But...and here is the problem a control freak like me has...I can't. I don't even like typing that but...it is true. I can't control him. I can try and BELIEVE me I have tried. But it is a useless battle.
We are going through a very rough patch and I don't always handle it in the best way. I am great at working it out in my head but then in the heat of the moment it doesn't always go exactly that way. This is a struggle for me. How do I show him how much he is loved but also guide him to the cross and try to steer him away from rebellion? This has been my question and I'm finding out I've been asking the wrong thing. There are times I have even been standing in the very way of the thing I want most for him...the cross. In my pride and control I sometimes am blocking what God wants to do in my son's life. And guess what? God knows better than I do.
I have a 35 minute commute into my office each morning and during this time I usually think or pray or just spend some quiet time. This morning I was struggling and I prayed, "God, give me something. SOME-THING. Give me a sign or settle my heart or send me a burning bush. SOMETHING. Please?" And I got nothing...at first. Nothing was on the radio so I fumbled around for a CD and I found an unmarked one and popped it in. In my car, since Patrick shares it with me, there is no telling what an unmarked CD might be. And then it started playing...
I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don't want to be safe tonight
Let's be honest...that's what I want...safety. I want my kid to be safe and warm and comfy in this perfect world I have created for him where he is an A student (because he is capable of being one) and he knows exactly what he wants from life and he has it all figured out and it matches up exactly with what I want for him. Nothing wrong with that, right?
But there is. Patrick might not want the same things I want for him. My perfect plan might not match up with God's most perfect plan.
So I argue with God and try to tell him that I know best for this kid. And God asks me if I trust Him. And let me be transparent...I don't sometimes obviously by my actions. I trust Him with MY life. I trust Him with choices and things and circumstances I am going through but what about with my son? Do I trust Him? Am I willing to give it all to Him and accept what that looks like? No...I don't.
A wise friend asked me yesterday as I shared with her some of my fears..."Kristin? What if it isn't about Patrick...but more about you and what God is trying to do with you through Patrick?"
Say what now? Wait. This isn't about me...it is about Patrick. His choices. His lack of respect for authority. His rebellion. His pride...his disobedient heart...
Ah. Okay. I see some similarities. And what God is showing me today because He is good, is that I have to trust Him. I have to let go and I have to not make it all about what *I* want even if what I want are good things.
My way hasn't been working. And that's hard to admit. I like to think my way is a pretty good way.
But instead of safety and my perfect plan what if I accepted that I'm not in control?
I need you like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I'm only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I'm only Yours now
I'm only Yours now
The song played on this morning and I was overwhelmed with fear and questions ran through my mind...But what if this happens? And what about this? And what if he lets this happen? And it could always go this way? What will I do about this? I NEED TO KNOW THE PLAN so I can try to conrol it.
I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction's what I need
Then I'll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I'll receive it Lord from Thee
And it's Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it's Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
Til I'm Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord
Pretty heavy commute this morning but oh how exactly what I needed when I needed it. And I do...I have to trust Him with my most precious thing and it may not turn out to look like what I wanted it look like. But in the end it isn't about my vision of how it should look and I can't keep standing in the way.
And in the moment of making that surrender I feel lighter. I feel more peaceful. I feel relief. I feel calm. Nothing has changed...but everything has changed.
Ever had one of those days where God is shouting to you through painful circumstances?
I don't know about you but...I like things my way. I am what some might call a control freak. I know what I want, how I want it and I do everything in my power to make it so. This is not a good trait to have at times. It especially doesn't work when you have a person in your life that is the exact same way and you both want different things. Enter conflict.
I have 3 boys but this isn't about my younger two...at least not yet. This is about my firstborn. I love all 3 of my kids but Patrick will always be my first. He entered the world as a 4 pound miracle and the second they put him in my arms he became my world. It was if someone reached inside my body and sectioned off a chunk of my heart and formed it into this tiny little thing. Seeing Patrick walk around is like seeing my heart in living and breathing flesh.
And now he is pulling away from me...in many ways like he is supposed to...but in others I fear it is a disobedient heart and that scares me. I want to mold him and shape him into the man I think he should be. But...and here is the problem a control freak like me has...I can't. I don't even like typing that but...it is true. I can't control him. I can try and BELIEVE me I have tried. But it is a useless battle.
We are going through a very rough patch and I don't always handle it in the best way. I am great at working it out in my head but then in the heat of the moment it doesn't always go exactly that way. This is a struggle for me. How do I show him how much he is loved but also guide him to the cross and try to steer him away from rebellion? This has been my question and I'm finding out I've been asking the wrong thing. There are times I have even been standing in the very way of the thing I want most for him...the cross. In my pride and control I sometimes am blocking what God wants to do in my son's life. And guess what? God knows better than I do.
I have a 35 minute commute into my office each morning and during this time I usually think or pray or just spend some quiet time. This morning I was struggling and I prayed, "God, give me something. SOME-THING. Give me a sign or settle my heart or send me a burning bush. SOMETHING. Please?" And I got nothing...at first. Nothing was on the radio so I fumbled around for a CD and I found an unmarked one and popped it in. In my car, since Patrick shares it with me, there is no telling what an unmarked CD might be. And then it started playing...
I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don't want to be safe tonight
Let's be honest...that's what I want...safety. I want my kid to be safe and warm and comfy in this perfect world I have created for him where he is an A student (because he is capable of being one) and he knows exactly what he wants from life and he has it all figured out and it matches up exactly with what I want for him. Nothing wrong with that, right?
But there is. Patrick might not want the same things I want for him. My perfect plan might not match up with God's most perfect plan.
So I argue with God and try to tell him that I know best for this kid. And God asks me if I trust Him. And let me be transparent...I don't sometimes obviously by my actions. I trust Him with MY life. I trust Him with choices and things and circumstances I am going through but what about with my son? Do I trust Him? Am I willing to give it all to Him and accept what that looks like? No...I don't.
A wise friend asked me yesterday as I shared with her some of my fears..."Kristin? What if it isn't about Patrick...but more about you and what God is trying to do with you through Patrick?"
Say what now? Wait. This isn't about me...it is about Patrick. His choices. His lack of respect for authority. His rebellion. His pride...his disobedient heart...
Ah. Okay. I see some similarities. And what God is showing me today because He is good, is that I have to trust Him. I have to let go and I have to not make it all about what *I* want even if what I want are good things.
My way hasn't been working. And that's hard to admit. I like to think my way is a pretty good way.
But instead of safety and my perfect plan what if I accepted that I'm not in control?
I need you like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I'm only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I'm only Yours now
I'm only Yours now
The song played on this morning and I was overwhelmed with fear and questions ran through my mind...But what if this happens? And what about this? And what if he lets this happen? And it could always go this way? What will I do about this? I NEED TO KNOW THE PLAN so I can try to conrol it.
I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction's what I need
Then I'll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I'll receive it Lord from Thee
And it's Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it's Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
Til I'm Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord
Pretty heavy commute this morning but oh how exactly what I needed when I needed it. And I do...I have to trust Him with my most precious thing and it may not turn out to look like what I wanted it look like. But in the end it isn't about my vision of how it should look and I can't keep standing in the way.
And in the moment of making that surrender I feel lighter. I feel more peaceful. I feel relief. I feel calm. Nothing has changed...but everything has changed.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
So...how did we do?
It is a new year so how did we do with our goal to live more deliberately in 2012? For starters...I didn't have near the time I thought I would to blog about some of our experiences. Life happened. In a house with 3 active boys time gets away from you.
Overall we did better than average. We had some moments where we got it absolutely right and those are precious and make you feel all warm and fuzzy. Then we had some moments where we screwed up royally. Those moments make you feel like throwing in the towel and you wonder why God ever placed these lives in your hands because you haven't a clue what to do with them.
Briefly here is recap of things I am taking away for 2012 and what I want to focus on for 2013...
I can't make my husband or my children be who I think they should be. Rather than focus on the things they aren't doing I need to focus on the things I CAN do and should do as John's wife and the boys' Mom. If there are areas they need conviction in then God will work all that out and he doesn't need my help.
My kids are very different. I can't treat them all the same way. What works for one is a disaster for another. But they each bring something cool to the table and I need to recognize that and appreciate it.
There are things I can let go or say no to and not feel guilty or allow anyone else to make me feel guilty. I took a step back from a ministry that I treasure and love with all my heart for several months to focus more time on my family. I agonized over it and I had a few people ask me why but in the end? Totally worth it. No regrets.
There are always 3 sides to every story. Your side. The other person's side. And then somewhere in between is the truth.
I made every effort in 2012 to take advantage of the people God has placed in my life as friends. I really lucked out in this department. I don't get to see all of them often or as much as I would like and some are more dominant at certain times in my life than others but I have the best friends in the world. We don't always agree. We don't always hold the same views or opinions on matters. Sometimes we say and do things that are hurtful. But in the end I know I have people in my life I could call at a moment's notice and they would come. I started the year out with a group of them and I ended this year with a smaller group but it was treasured time.
What is next for 2013? I think I'll just continue this blog when I can and roll the year ahead. A sermon we had recently reminded us to embrace whatever God has in store for 2013...the hills and the valleys.
I know that this year will bring amazing hills into our lives. And I also know there will be valleys I can't imagine yet and my heart gets a little jumpy and fearful about those valleys. But I trust completely that God has a perfect plan and he is good all the time.
Overall we did better than average. We had some moments where we got it absolutely right and those are precious and make you feel all warm and fuzzy. Then we had some moments where we screwed up royally. Those moments make you feel like throwing in the towel and you wonder why God ever placed these lives in your hands because you haven't a clue what to do with them.
Briefly here is recap of things I am taking away for 2012 and what I want to focus on for 2013...
I can't make my husband or my children be who I think they should be. Rather than focus on the things they aren't doing I need to focus on the things I CAN do and should do as John's wife and the boys' Mom. If there are areas they need conviction in then God will work all that out and he doesn't need my help.
My kids are very different. I can't treat them all the same way. What works for one is a disaster for another. But they each bring something cool to the table and I need to recognize that and appreciate it.
There are things I can let go or say no to and not feel guilty or allow anyone else to make me feel guilty. I took a step back from a ministry that I treasure and love with all my heart for several months to focus more time on my family. I agonized over it and I had a few people ask me why but in the end? Totally worth it. No regrets.
There are always 3 sides to every story. Your side. The other person's side. And then somewhere in between is the truth.
I made every effort in 2012 to take advantage of the people God has placed in my life as friends. I really lucked out in this department. I don't get to see all of them often or as much as I would like and some are more dominant at certain times in my life than others but I have the best friends in the world. We don't always agree. We don't always hold the same views or opinions on matters. Sometimes we say and do things that are hurtful. But in the end I know I have people in my life I could call at a moment's notice and they would come. I started the year out with a group of them and I ended this year with a smaller group but it was treasured time.
What is next for 2013? I think I'll just continue this blog when I can and roll the year ahead. A sermon we had recently reminded us to embrace whatever God has in store for 2013...the hills and the valleys.
I know that this year will bring amazing hills into our lives. And I also know there will be valleys I can't imagine yet and my heart gets a little jumpy and fearful about those valleys. But I trust completely that God has a perfect plan and he is good all the time.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Being a Lazy Parent
I've had an experience in the last week that rocked my world and opened my eyes to the fact that I've been a lazy parent.
I have 3 very active boys. One is a toddler and needs either constant attention or supervision...one is having some struggles with school and needs my help with homework more than the others. And one? One is a teenager. He is more likely to retreat to his room, earbuds in his ear and disappear into a world of his computer (which is monitored) or texting his friends.
There is nothing wrong with him taking some time and space for himself but what I've learned is that I let him stay in his room because honestly...it is easier at times. He's quiet and I can focus on the other kids that are clamoring for my attention. I can make dinner or start a load of laundry or sit down for a few minutes.
But...it is also lazy. I need to take time to engage him and not take the path that is always easier.
I have always prided myself of being a good communicator with my kids and I'm finding that as they get older that is becoming harder to do. It takes more effort. The little one wants to tell me every detail of his day including what he ate for snack and what games he played on the playground. The middle one wants to tell me a few details then he wants me to shut up so he can play with his Legos and have elaborate army battles. The oldest one chooses when he wants to talk or not...sometimes he will tell me all sorts of fun stories but other times it is like pulling teeth to get information from him. All that is part of the season of life they are in.
BUT. I can't allow myself to pick the easy path so often.
Working this week on engaging my kids and finding out what is going on in their worlds. It is just too important not to.
I have 3 very active boys. One is a toddler and needs either constant attention or supervision...one is having some struggles with school and needs my help with homework more than the others. And one? One is a teenager. He is more likely to retreat to his room, earbuds in his ear and disappear into a world of his computer (which is monitored) or texting his friends.
There is nothing wrong with him taking some time and space for himself but what I've learned is that I let him stay in his room because honestly...it is easier at times. He's quiet and I can focus on the other kids that are clamoring for my attention. I can make dinner or start a load of laundry or sit down for a few minutes.
But...it is also lazy. I need to take time to engage him and not take the path that is always easier.
I have always prided myself of being a good communicator with my kids and I'm finding that as they get older that is becoming harder to do. It takes more effort. The little one wants to tell me every detail of his day including what he ate for snack and what games he played on the playground. The middle one wants to tell me a few details then he wants me to shut up so he can play with his Legos and have elaborate army battles. The oldest one chooses when he wants to talk or not...sometimes he will tell me all sorts of fun stories but other times it is like pulling teeth to get information from him. All that is part of the season of life they are in.
BUT. I can't allow myself to pick the easy path so often.
Working this week on engaging my kids and finding out what is going on in their worlds. It is just too important not to.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Teenagers: Not for the faint of heart
Teenagers. These are creatures that once were your cherub faced want to be near you all the time and thought you were the most awesome thing under the sun. You go and have a baby and you think every think they do is magic. They have magic smiles. Magic coos. Magic looks. Magic first steps. Even their burps and poops become a thing you will talk to complete strangers about. They melt your heart into tiny pieces with everything they do.
Then they hit the teenage years. It starts out slowly...they start to do this thing with their eyes where they can't seem to keep them focused and they roll from time to time...specifically when you are talking. They stop wanting to cuddle with you and in fact will push you away and tell you they are too big for that stuff. It will break your heart into tiny little pieces.
Then they enter a phase around 15 where they are stuck. They are too big for kid stuff yet they aren't quite ready for all the responsibility they think they are. It is just a hard time for them...they have hormones racing and their bodies are all out of whack. They want so desperately to make their own decisions...and they should be allowed to make some...but not quite as many as they think they are ready for.
We are at this 15 year stage with our oldest. Let me straight up say that Patrick is an amazing kid. He is smarter than I ever thought about being. He has the best most wickedly funny sense of humor. He says things that crack me up many times. He is a great student. He is helpful and overall respectful to adults he comes in contact with. I get complimented on him constantly by adults he interacts with. I could not ask for a better son. He isn't perfect and I don't expect him to be but in the kid department? I hit the jackpot when God blessed me with Patrick.
We are having to recognize that he is growing up. And with growing up comes us, as parents, letting him fly a little bit. This all hit me out of the blue. I knew a day was coming he would spread his wings but all of a sudden...that day is pretty much here. And I'm not ready for it. He will be legally eligible to drive in 4 months. I will reach a point where I will hand him keys and watch him drive off and then I will throw up and rock back and forth constantly until he drive back home safe and sound. What? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?
Did you know from the time a child is born you basically have 940 Saturdays before they will on average move out or leave for college? Doesn't that seem small? Like it just isn't quite enough time?
Right now we are going through bumps in the road where Patrick thinks we are the most stupid people that ever walked this planet and we are keeping him from doing anything and everything at all because we want to control his every move and his life.
This is the part that hit me...I distinctly remember telling my mother around...oh...just about 15 that she was a control freak and didn't want me to grow up and I hated her and EVERYBODY else's Mom and Dad let them do things and go places and you know...actually grow up!
*Side note* Go ahead and accustom yourself with EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS because when you are engaging with a teenager you will hear about these wonderful parents at least 84 times a day. They are parents with flowing locks of hair that ride around on unicorns and when they sing rainbows come out of their mouths and they spread nothing but love and joy to their children. They never say no and they have no rules and theirs is a home of utopia. You will come to hate EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS I promise you.
So what advice or glimmer of hope can I offer? Not a bit. Okay...okay...I can tell you a few things I have learned here in the trenches...
1) You can't be your kid's friend and be an effective parent. Not right now. One day you can be their friend. One day long past the teenage years...when they are adults and they possibly have kids of their own. You will then become more friendly. My Mom is my friend and has been since right about November 8, 1996. This is the day I became a Mom and once I held that little 4 pound bundle everything my Mom ever did or said to keep me in line or protect me all made perfect sense.
2) Your kid is going to go through a period of time where they don't like you very much at all. This is normal. And psssstttt...you aren't going to like them at times either. Totally normal. You both still love each other...you are just finding your new normal with this teenage person and they are trying to make sense of everything you say because I swear I think it must come out to them like that teacher from Charlie Brown.
3) You are going to have to let go. Yeah...I know. I'm still struggling with this one. But...it is a fact of life. Kids grow up. They start to think for themselves. They make decisions....not always the best of decisions. Guess what? I'm 37 and I still don't always make the best of decisions. Go figure.
4) Pick your battles. That music they are listening to that sounds like someone stepping on a cat while simultaneously banging pots and pans together? It will pass. The bigger deal you make out of it the more they will cling to it. And one day you may even find yourself driving down the road where a song comes on and you both say..."Cool...I love this one..."
5) It is more important to raise a kid who has an obedient heart than a kid who only follows the rules to get something or to avoid a punishment. Patrick struggles with this. He will argue with me about "I was only 5 minutes past my limit...what is the big deal?" The big deal isn't the 5 minutes...it truly isn't. The big deal is having an obedient heart versus a disobedient one.
6) My goal as a parent should always be to point my son to the cross. To teach him about grace. To show him 2 basic things: Love God. Love Others. The rest? Just details.
You can take very bit of this advice with a grain of salt because in all honesty? I screw it up more often than I get it right. I go to bed many nights thinking how I should have said this or I should have done this or I regret things I did say or opportunities I missed.
I basically have 156 Saturdays left. My focus is to try and get through the next few and make them the best ones we can. Little by little. Both of us learning along the way and both of us screwing it up at times. But oh...those days we get it right? Those are awesome days.
Then they hit the teenage years. It starts out slowly...they start to do this thing with their eyes where they can't seem to keep them focused and they roll from time to time...specifically when you are talking. They stop wanting to cuddle with you and in fact will push you away and tell you they are too big for that stuff. It will break your heart into tiny little pieces.
Then they enter a phase around 15 where they are stuck. They are too big for kid stuff yet they aren't quite ready for all the responsibility they think they are. It is just a hard time for them...they have hormones racing and their bodies are all out of whack. They want so desperately to make their own decisions...and they should be allowed to make some...but not quite as many as they think they are ready for.
We are at this 15 year stage with our oldest. Let me straight up say that Patrick is an amazing kid. He is smarter than I ever thought about being. He has the best most wickedly funny sense of humor. He says things that crack me up many times. He is a great student. He is helpful and overall respectful to adults he comes in contact with. I get complimented on him constantly by adults he interacts with. I could not ask for a better son. He isn't perfect and I don't expect him to be but in the kid department? I hit the jackpot when God blessed me with Patrick.
We are having to recognize that he is growing up. And with growing up comes us, as parents, letting him fly a little bit. This all hit me out of the blue. I knew a day was coming he would spread his wings but all of a sudden...that day is pretty much here. And I'm not ready for it. He will be legally eligible to drive in 4 months. I will reach a point where I will hand him keys and watch him drive off and then I will throw up and rock back and forth constantly until he drive back home safe and sound. What? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?
Did you know from the time a child is born you basically have 940 Saturdays before they will on average move out or leave for college? Doesn't that seem small? Like it just isn't quite enough time?
Right now we are going through bumps in the road where Patrick thinks we are the most stupid people that ever walked this planet and we are keeping him from doing anything and everything at all because we want to control his every move and his life.
This is the part that hit me...I distinctly remember telling my mother around...oh...just about 15 that she was a control freak and didn't want me to grow up and I hated her and EVERYBODY else's Mom and Dad let them do things and go places and you know...actually grow up!
*Side note* Go ahead and accustom yourself with EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS because when you are engaging with a teenager you will hear about these wonderful parents at least 84 times a day. They are parents with flowing locks of hair that ride around on unicorns and when they sing rainbows come out of their mouths and they spread nothing but love and joy to their children. They never say no and they have no rules and theirs is a home of utopia. You will come to hate EVERYBODY ELSE'S PARENTS I promise you.
So what advice or glimmer of hope can I offer? Not a bit. Okay...okay...I can tell you a few things I have learned here in the trenches...
1) You can't be your kid's friend and be an effective parent. Not right now. One day you can be their friend. One day long past the teenage years...when they are adults and they possibly have kids of their own. You will then become more friendly. My Mom is my friend and has been since right about November 8, 1996. This is the day I became a Mom and once I held that little 4 pound bundle everything my Mom ever did or said to keep me in line or protect me all made perfect sense.
2) Your kid is going to go through a period of time where they don't like you very much at all. This is normal. And psssstttt...you aren't going to like them at times either. Totally normal. You both still love each other...you are just finding your new normal with this teenage person and they are trying to make sense of everything you say because I swear I think it must come out to them like that teacher from Charlie Brown.
3) You are going to have to let go. Yeah...I know. I'm still struggling with this one. But...it is a fact of life. Kids grow up. They start to think for themselves. They make decisions....not always the best of decisions. Guess what? I'm 37 and I still don't always make the best of decisions. Go figure.
4) Pick your battles. That music they are listening to that sounds like someone stepping on a cat while simultaneously banging pots and pans together? It will pass. The bigger deal you make out of it the more they will cling to it. And one day you may even find yourself driving down the road where a song comes on and you both say..."Cool...I love this one..."
5) It is more important to raise a kid who has an obedient heart than a kid who only follows the rules to get something or to avoid a punishment. Patrick struggles with this. He will argue with me about "I was only 5 minutes past my limit...what is the big deal?" The big deal isn't the 5 minutes...it truly isn't. The big deal is having an obedient heart versus a disobedient one.
6) My goal as a parent should always be to point my son to the cross. To teach him about grace. To show him 2 basic things: Love God. Love Others. The rest? Just details.
You can take very bit of this advice with a grain of salt because in all honesty? I screw it up more often than I get it right. I go to bed many nights thinking how I should have said this or I should have done this or I regret things I did say or opportunities I missed.
I basically have 156 Saturdays left. My focus is to try and get through the next few and make them the best ones we can. Little by little. Both of us learning along the way and both of us screwing it up at times. But oh...those days we get it right? Those are awesome days.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Called out by a 4 year old
John and I don't watch a whole lot of TV. Mainly we watch HGTV and lots of cooking shows. However, we do enjoy the show Modern Family. In fact, we crack up at Modern Family. One of the main characters, Phil, reminds me of John in minor ways so I jokingly call him "Phil" at times.
John's birthday was this past week and I found a talking card that had Phil on it. As soon as I saw it I knew it would be the card for me to give him.
Phil thinks of himself as quite the hip Dad. He mortifies his children and wife at various times but he has a heart of gold.
We put cards up on our fireplace mantle for about a week then we pack them away or toss them depending on how full the card drawer has gotten.
On Friday I was in the living room straightening up for some friends who were stopping by and Colin was helping me. I was taking the cards down and he asked me if any of the cards sang or talked. He really enjoys the cards that do. So I tossed the card my parents gave John that sang and the Phil card to him.
He danced around to the music on the one card then he opened up the Phil card...
"I'm hip. I'm cool. I surf the web. I text. LOL. Laugh Out Loud. WTF. Why The Face? OMG. Oh My God."
And Colin shut the card quickly and looked up at me. "Why did that man talk about God?"
Being the awesome parent that I am I very quickly said, "Oh...he's just playing around...let's put that card up..." as I reached to take it out of his hands.
But Colin wasn't letting it go. He looked up at me with those big brown eyes and said, "But we shouldn't say that. That isn't talking about God nice. Who gave my Daddy this card?"
Ouch.
You ever have those moments where you feel like God just thumped you on the head to get your attention? Ever have one where you felt like he hit you with a 2 X 4?
So I took a deep breath and sat down on the couch with Colin and told him that he was right. We don't talk about God like that and it isn't nice and Mommy was wrong to not think about that.
He listened to my answer then hopped up and said it was okay because God doesn't stay mad at us if we are sorry and he said he would just go throw that card in the trash.
We have been in the middle of a sermon series on James at my church. Taming the tongue. Evaluating our speech...what we say...how we say it...who we say it to...
Not that I think Colin has a firm grasp on theology but apparently he has been paying more attention than his Mom...
John's birthday was this past week and I found a talking card that had Phil on it. As soon as I saw it I knew it would be the card for me to give him.
Phil thinks of himself as quite the hip Dad. He mortifies his children and wife at various times but he has a heart of gold.
We put cards up on our fireplace mantle for about a week then we pack them away or toss them depending on how full the card drawer has gotten.
On Friday I was in the living room straightening up for some friends who were stopping by and Colin was helping me. I was taking the cards down and he asked me if any of the cards sang or talked. He really enjoys the cards that do. So I tossed the card my parents gave John that sang and the Phil card to him.
He danced around to the music on the one card then he opened up the Phil card...
"I'm hip. I'm cool. I surf the web. I text. LOL. Laugh Out Loud. WTF. Why The Face? OMG. Oh My God."
And Colin shut the card quickly and looked up at me. "Why did that man talk about God?"
Being the awesome parent that I am I very quickly said, "Oh...he's just playing around...let's put that card up..." as I reached to take it out of his hands.
But Colin wasn't letting it go. He looked up at me with those big brown eyes and said, "But we shouldn't say that. That isn't talking about God nice. Who gave my Daddy this card?"
Ouch.
You ever have those moments where you feel like God just thumped you on the head to get your attention? Ever have one where you felt like he hit you with a 2 X 4?
So I took a deep breath and sat down on the couch with Colin and told him that he was right. We don't talk about God like that and it isn't nice and Mommy was wrong to not think about that.
He listened to my answer then hopped up and said it was okay because God doesn't stay mad at us if we are sorry and he said he would just go throw that card in the trash.
We have been in the middle of a sermon series on James at my church. Taming the tongue. Evaluating our speech...what we say...how we say it...who we say it to...
Not that I think Colin has a firm grasp on theology but apparently he has been paying more attention than his Mom...
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Teaching our kids about grace
There are few things Colin loves more than going to Target and getting an Icee at the end. He will ask about 876 times if we are going to get an Icee. Before leaving on vacation last week we were at Target and Josh & Colin were in rare form. They were running all over the place and I found myself having to stop numerous times to tell them to knock it off. I kept forgetting things and had to backtrack in the store.
Finally, without yelling at all, I said to them, "Okay. I have to get 5 more things before we can go. If you cannot behave for the remainder of our trip then we will not stop to get an Icee on the way out."
They both nodded and by Thing #3 they were running and playing again. I said nothing, got my 2 last things and we headed for the check out. As soon as we were gathering our bags Colin started toward the snack counter. I stopped him and he looked up at me and said, "But we haven't gotten our Icees yet..."
I reminded him that I had asked them several times to stop running and they chose not to follow my instructions. I asked Josh if he knew what disobedience was and he said it was when you were told to do one thing and you did something else.
I started for the exit and Colin was heartbroken. He cried and cried all the way to the car. Real baby tears rolling down that sweet face. He kept saying, "But I'm sorry Mommy! I won't do it again. I really won't. Please let us have an Icee. Please..."
Josh was quiet but asked if they promised to behave next time could they get an Icee. I stood my ground. I didn't yell. I didn't fuss. I didn't act exasperated with them...which let me be real here...I would have sold either one of them to roving gypsies at that moment.
I buckled Colin in and he continued to cry...not a whiny didn't get my way cry but a true sad cry.
We left Target and headed toward home. After a few minutes I asked them if they knew what grace was.
Josh said he thought it was something about church or Jesus but he wasn't sure. Colin just cried.
So I told them that grace is when we do something and we deserve a punishment but instead we are given mercy or even something good. Josh pondered this for a minute and asked, "So if somebody does a really bad thing and they deserve to go to jail but then the judge lets them go home that is grace?" And I explained it further from a spiritual standpoint. We talked about Jesus and the cross. Colin started listening and told me, "Jesus died on a cross...do you mean like that, Mommy?"
We drove along and talked about how sometimes even when we disobey God and we deserve to be punished that God gives us mercy and even blessings.
Then I turned into Snow Biz. As I parked the car Josh asked where we were going and I told him, "I'm showing you grace..."
Before we got our icee I explained to each of them that when they disobey it hurts me and makes me sad and angry. That I want to always give them good things and I don't like to punish them but I will. But that there are times I want them to know grace as well.
They were quiet and behaved like little angels the rest of the day.
When John got home he saw Colin's blue lips and asked, "What did you have today?" and my sweet boy smiled up at him and said, "Mommy bought us some grace."
Not exactly...but I think he was close.
I screw up 90% of my interactions with my kids so I really enjoy it when I get it right and that afternoon I felt like I got it right.
Finally, without yelling at all, I said to them, "Okay. I have to get 5 more things before we can go. If you cannot behave for the remainder of our trip then we will not stop to get an Icee on the way out."
They both nodded and by Thing #3 they were running and playing again. I said nothing, got my 2 last things and we headed for the check out. As soon as we were gathering our bags Colin started toward the snack counter. I stopped him and he looked up at me and said, "But we haven't gotten our Icees yet..."
I reminded him that I had asked them several times to stop running and they chose not to follow my instructions. I asked Josh if he knew what disobedience was and he said it was when you were told to do one thing and you did something else.
I started for the exit and Colin was heartbroken. He cried and cried all the way to the car. Real baby tears rolling down that sweet face. He kept saying, "But I'm sorry Mommy! I won't do it again. I really won't. Please let us have an Icee. Please..."
Josh was quiet but asked if they promised to behave next time could they get an Icee. I stood my ground. I didn't yell. I didn't fuss. I didn't act exasperated with them...which let me be real here...I would have sold either one of them to roving gypsies at that moment.
I buckled Colin in and he continued to cry...not a whiny didn't get my way cry but a true sad cry.
We left Target and headed toward home. After a few minutes I asked them if they knew what grace was.
Josh said he thought it was something about church or Jesus but he wasn't sure. Colin just cried.
So I told them that grace is when we do something and we deserve a punishment but instead we are given mercy or even something good. Josh pondered this for a minute and asked, "So if somebody does a really bad thing and they deserve to go to jail but then the judge lets them go home that is grace?" And I explained it further from a spiritual standpoint. We talked about Jesus and the cross. Colin started listening and told me, "Jesus died on a cross...do you mean like that, Mommy?"
We drove along and talked about how sometimes even when we disobey God and we deserve to be punished that God gives us mercy and even blessings.
Then I turned into Snow Biz. As I parked the car Josh asked where we were going and I told him, "I'm showing you grace..."
Before we got our icee I explained to each of them that when they disobey it hurts me and makes me sad and angry. That I want to always give them good things and I don't like to punish them but I will. But that there are times I want them to know grace as well.
They were quiet and behaved like little angels the rest of the day.
When John got home he saw Colin's blue lips and asked, "What did you have today?" and my sweet boy smiled up at him and said, "Mommy bought us some grace."
Not exactly...but I think he was close.
I screw up 90% of my interactions with my kids so I really enjoy it when I get it right and that afternoon I felt like I got it right.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Update on all things Puckett
Turns out living deliberately keeps you kind of busy! I didn't mean to neglect our blog for so long so I'll give an update on what we have going on...mainly for myself to log things.
John: John is staying busy with stepping up being the leader in our home. He has joined a men's group that meets weekly and it has really been helpful for him. We just celebrated our 12 year anniversary and that is a true testament to what God can do if you shut up and get out of the way. Continue to pray for John as he leads our family.
Patrick: Patrick has his first real job this summer. He is working at an animal clinic from 7:30--5 each day. It has been a big responsibility for him but also teaching him a lot about budgeting and how a job in the real world looks. He has a fantastic boss and seems to really be enjoying the work. Who knows? Maybe this will spark an interest in the medical field for him. He gets his driver's license in November and I keep having to explain to him that just because the great State of Alabama says he is eligible to drive doesn't mean I'm going to just hand him over the keys. We are working on balance of him growing up and me realizing he is growing up. Pray for Patrick to continue to strive toward being a young man of integrity. I want more than anything else for my boys to be men of character when they grow up.
Josh: Josh is enjoying his summer by spending time with friends and laying around in his pajamas as often as possible. We are being very deliberate about setting aside time for Josh to work on reading this summer. He has had a few struggles in the past year so we are all over it by having him tutored for the summer in an effort to catch up and give him more confidence with his reading. Josh has the most compassionate heart I have ever seen. He really hears things and holds them close in his mind when most people forget and move on. Perfect example...our church lost a very special young man to cancer last year. Josh went with us to the memorial celebration. Every single night he prays for this boy's family without fail. He mainly says he hopes they aren't too sad and that they are holding on to good thoughts and for God to help them be happy again one day. We never prompt him but every single night he prays for them. Pray for Josh to continue to always have the heart for people he has now.
Colin: Colin is my smiley face monkey butt. He will be 4 in July and he is definitely moving from that baby/toddler stage to a big kid stage. He knows all his letters and most of their sounds, colors, shapes and can count to 20 without much trouble. He is the first to call you out if you start to eat without saying the "blessings" and he likes to pray at night for random things. Some of my favorites: Animals. Bicycles. His Spiderman nightlight. The city. Chickens. The Kona Ice Truck. His friends. Pray for Colin to continue to learn to listen and for us to always encourage his curiosity.
And...Me: Oh boy. That anger and bitterness I mentioned in the last post? Still there. I see this person continually hurt my family and it is a struggle to try and move past it. But that's where I am...asking God to help me let it go. For me to understand that hurting people hurt people. Also God has revealed to me that even when we are forgiven for sinful choices we make there are still sometimes earthly consequences. This situation with this person is an indirect consequence of some of my earlier choices. That is a bitter pill to swallow but it doesn't make it any less true. It also doesn't justify some of the hurtful things they have done and continue to do time and time again but that is where I am on it.
I have been spending time investing in women and children at The Lovelady Center lately and it is a place that I am coming to love more and more. I have met some amazing ladies and each time I visit I am so overwhelmed with how God transforms lives. I prayed a while back for God to break my heart for what breaks His and Lovelady is where I keep being drawn to.
Celebrate Recovery continues to grow and thrive. I have taken some steps back and there have been others that have stepped up to fill various leadership roles which is a huge thing and a good thing. We celebrated our 3 year anniversary at WWBC recently and I cannot wait to see where it goes in the next 3 years.
We leave Monday for a week at the beach. I am looking forward to some downtime with my husband and boys.
Prayers needed for me: Patience. Remembering it isn't all about me. Wisdom in so many areas. For God to temper my pride. And for me to always try to be: the wife and mother my husband and children deserve; the employee my boss needs...even when it is difficult; the daughter my parents and inlaws need; the friend my friends need me to be and the leader God needs me to be.
John: John is staying busy with stepping up being the leader in our home. He has joined a men's group that meets weekly and it has really been helpful for him. We just celebrated our 12 year anniversary and that is a true testament to what God can do if you shut up and get out of the way. Continue to pray for John as he leads our family.
Patrick: Patrick has his first real job this summer. He is working at an animal clinic from 7:30--5 each day. It has been a big responsibility for him but also teaching him a lot about budgeting and how a job in the real world looks. He has a fantastic boss and seems to really be enjoying the work. Who knows? Maybe this will spark an interest in the medical field for him. He gets his driver's license in November and I keep having to explain to him that just because the great State of Alabama says he is eligible to drive doesn't mean I'm going to just hand him over the keys. We are working on balance of him growing up and me realizing he is growing up. Pray for Patrick to continue to strive toward being a young man of integrity. I want more than anything else for my boys to be men of character when they grow up.
Josh: Josh is enjoying his summer by spending time with friends and laying around in his pajamas as often as possible. We are being very deliberate about setting aside time for Josh to work on reading this summer. He has had a few struggles in the past year so we are all over it by having him tutored for the summer in an effort to catch up and give him more confidence with his reading. Josh has the most compassionate heart I have ever seen. He really hears things and holds them close in his mind when most people forget and move on. Perfect example...our church lost a very special young man to cancer last year. Josh went with us to the memorial celebration. Every single night he prays for this boy's family without fail. He mainly says he hopes they aren't too sad and that they are holding on to good thoughts and for God to help them be happy again one day. We never prompt him but every single night he prays for them. Pray for Josh to continue to always have the heart for people he has now.
Colin: Colin is my smiley face monkey butt. He will be 4 in July and he is definitely moving from that baby/toddler stage to a big kid stage. He knows all his letters and most of their sounds, colors, shapes and can count to 20 without much trouble. He is the first to call you out if you start to eat without saying the "blessings" and he likes to pray at night for random things. Some of my favorites: Animals. Bicycles. His Spiderman nightlight. The city. Chickens. The Kona Ice Truck. His friends. Pray for Colin to continue to learn to listen and for us to always encourage his curiosity.
And...Me: Oh boy. That anger and bitterness I mentioned in the last post? Still there. I see this person continually hurt my family and it is a struggle to try and move past it. But that's where I am...asking God to help me let it go. For me to understand that hurting people hurt people. Also God has revealed to me that even when we are forgiven for sinful choices we make there are still sometimes earthly consequences. This situation with this person is an indirect consequence of some of my earlier choices. That is a bitter pill to swallow but it doesn't make it any less true. It also doesn't justify some of the hurtful things they have done and continue to do time and time again but that is where I am on it.
I have been spending time investing in women and children at The Lovelady Center lately and it is a place that I am coming to love more and more. I have met some amazing ladies and each time I visit I am so overwhelmed with how God transforms lives. I prayed a while back for God to break my heart for what breaks His and Lovelady is where I keep being drawn to.
Celebrate Recovery continues to grow and thrive. I have taken some steps back and there have been others that have stepped up to fill various leadership roles which is a huge thing and a good thing. We celebrated our 3 year anniversary at WWBC recently and I cannot wait to see where it goes in the next 3 years.
We leave Monday for a week at the beach. I am looking forward to some downtime with my husband and boys.
Prayers needed for me: Patience. Remembering it isn't all about me. Wisdom in so many areas. For God to temper my pride. And for me to always try to be: the wife and mother my husband and children deserve; the employee my boss needs...even when it is difficult; the daughter my parents and inlaws need; the friend my friends need me to be and the leader God needs me to be.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Letting go.
This isn't so much about my boys today but about something I bet we all can identify with.
I was driving home Friday afternoon, trying to find a song for an event I'm working on. I was listening to several things and trying to pay attention to the words and really listen.
Got to one that has the lyrics:
You are here, you are here
In your presence I'm made whole
You are God, you are God
Of all else I'm letting go...
And listening to that I was overwhelmed with conviction. See I know for an absolute fact I am holding on to a deep hatred toward someone...have been for years. Only person on the face of the planet I hate. I know it is wrong. I know I should pray about it. I know I should let it go. But...I don't want to. I cling to this hatred. It is a deep seated bitterness in my heart. Most days I can push it down but every so often it rears up and I let it have total reign in my thoughts and in my heart.
God has brought it to my mind off and on and I acknowledge to him that I know I need to let it go. I know it is not what he commands of me. But then I hang on to it because I don't really know how to let it go. And let's be honest? I don't want to let it go. Hating this person feels good.
But I know I am being disobedient and as long as I cling to my disobedience God will not bless me. That is the feeling/conviction that overwhelmed me on Friday.
So...time to figure it out. How do I cling to the lyrics that in God's presence I am made whole and I'm letting go of everything else? Letting go of this hatred toward this person?
I confided these feelings to some friends and their answer is what I already know. The only way I will conquer this and let it go is on my knees...daily. I have to humble myself, seek God's face and let it go.
Much easier said than done. I tried this morning but the prayer got caught in my throat. I don't want to pray for her. I don't want to think about her. So to start I suppose I have to pray for God to make me willing to even be willing. To help me choke down the bitterness and slowly begin to let it go one small prayer at a time.
To live a deliberate life I have to learn to practice what I preach and release this bitterness.
I was driving home Friday afternoon, trying to find a song for an event I'm working on. I was listening to several things and trying to pay attention to the words and really listen.
Got to one that has the lyrics:
You are here, you are here
In your presence I'm made whole
You are God, you are God
Of all else I'm letting go...
And listening to that I was overwhelmed with conviction. See I know for an absolute fact I am holding on to a deep hatred toward someone...have been for years. Only person on the face of the planet I hate. I know it is wrong. I know I should pray about it. I know I should let it go. But...I don't want to. I cling to this hatred. It is a deep seated bitterness in my heart. Most days I can push it down but every so often it rears up and I let it have total reign in my thoughts and in my heart.
God has brought it to my mind off and on and I acknowledge to him that I know I need to let it go. I know it is not what he commands of me. But then I hang on to it because I don't really know how to let it go. And let's be honest? I don't want to let it go. Hating this person feels good.
But I know I am being disobedient and as long as I cling to my disobedience God will not bless me. That is the feeling/conviction that overwhelmed me on Friday.
So...time to figure it out. How do I cling to the lyrics that in God's presence I am made whole and I'm letting go of everything else? Letting go of this hatred toward this person?
I confided these feelings to some friends and their answer is what I already know. The only way I will conquer this and let it go is on my knees...daily. I have to humble myself, seek God's face and let it go.
Much easier said than done. I tried this morning but the prayer got caught in my throat. I don't want to pray for her. I don't want to think about her. So to start I suppose I have to pray for God to make me willing to even be willing. To help me choke down the bitterness and slowly begin to let it go one small prayer at a time.
To live a deliberate life I have to learn to practice what I preach and release this bitterness.
Monday, March 19, 2012
When They Get It...
Do you ever feel like you are talking to your kids and you would have better results if you stood and conversed with the cat? I feel this way a lot of the time and my cat is starting to think I am crazy.
However, every so often it clicks and they do something that reaffirms for you that they get it. They are listening. Your words aren't falling on deaf ears. When this happens it is pretty awesome.
Josh came home from school on Friday and dropped off his bookbag before heading downstairs to play. I went through his folder and noticed he had brought home some projects they did over the last few weeks. One was a hanging sign they did in February for Black History Month. They talked about King's "I have a dream" speech and then were asked to make their own sign that read "I have a dream..." and complete the statement.
Josh's sign read "I have a dream that all people will know God."
I was blown away by this because Josh is my reserved kid who isn't extremely vocal about faith matters or really any matters. He is more introspective most of the time.
When he came back upstairs I asked him about it and asked him what made him come up with that and he shrugged and said, "Well...isn't that a good dream to have, Mom?"
Indeed.
My kid is getting it. Little by little and without us even realizing it a lot of time...he gets it.
However, every so often it clicks and they do something that reaffirms for you that they get it. They are listening. Your words aren't falling on deaf ears. When this happens it is pretty awesome.
Josh came home from school on Friday and dropped off his bookbag before heading downstairs to play. I went through his folder and noticed he had brought home some projects they did over the last few weeks. One was a hanging sign they did in February for Black History Month. They talked about King's "I have a dream" speech and then were asked to make their own sign that read "I have a dream..." and complete the statement.
Josh's sign read "I have a dream that all people will know God."
I was blown away by this because Josh is my reserved kid who isn't extremely vocal about faith matters or really any matters. He is more introspective most of the time.
When he came back upstairs I asked him about it and asked him what made him come up with that and he shrugged and said, "Well...isn't that a good dream to have, Mom?"
Indeed.
My kid is getting it. Little by little and without us even realizing it a lot of time...he gets it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)