Friendship

Oh how I have struggled with friendships.  You see I am opinionated.  I can be blunt many times.  I am a little intimidating.  I can be bossy.  I am a porcupine.  But I also like to think I am very loyal and generous when it comes to my friends. 

For years I have had tons and tons of acquaintances, people I like to be around very much and people I respect, but I felt like I was missing those close friendships I saw so many others having.  And it hurt.

Poor John.  I would go to him much like a 12 year old girl at times and cry and ask him, "Why don't I have any friends?  What is it that I do to make people not like me?"  And he would try his best to comfort my broken heart and tell me there was nothing wrong with me. 

I had a painful experience about 2 years ago where I thought I had a close friendship with someone and for whatever reason they did not feel the same and I got my feelings hurt.  Badly.  Maybe I did something to offend them?  Maybe they felt I was not a good influence in their life?  I may never know and that's okay.  I was very bitter about it for a while and I didn't behave in the best of ways about it.  But I now know that God has his reasons and maybe that person was just in my life for a season and that season ended and they didn't know how to be honest with me and let us say goodbye gracefully?  Who knows but I don't dwell on it like I did. 

After about a year of being upset I earnestly started to pray for God to send me a friend.  And it felt pretty stupid to be doing that I will admit.  Who prays for a friend?  But I wanted a real friend.  Someone who loves me warts and all.  Someone who will challenge and encourage me.  Someone I could confide in and not find out later they shared my issues with anyone who would listen.  Someone who would pray for me and my family. 

I only told John I was praying for a friend and he said he would start doing the same for me.  We laughed about how silly it sounded but he knew I needed someone and how lonely I felt much of the time.

I have a sister but we have no relationship (her choice, not mine) and that has always been a hurdle in my life.  I have nieces and nephews but I don't get to be involved with them in the way I had always dreamed I would be.  And this left a hole in my heart.  I wanted to be the aunt who spoiled them.  Who took them off my sister's hands for an afternoon and took them out for ice cream or to a movie.  I wanted them to spend the night at my house and stay up late and laugh with them and watch them play with their cousins.  I wanted to do a lot of things that for now are not to be.  Maybe one day God will bring restoration there and that is my prayer.

So after a while I had an opportunity to be involved in the Praise Team at my church and I got brought into Jennifer's world little by little.  And I was hesitant at first because we are not a whole lot alike.  I didn't want to say the wrong thing or do something that made her not like me.  I swear I felt like I was 10 years old going to a new school and trying to make my first friend.  It was ridiculous.  And it was scary. 

She is loud.  And hilarious.  She has no fear or cares what people think.  The girl has no filter.  She loves Jesus.  She is an amazing mom and strives to be the best wife she can be.  She is caring and loving.  She is a friend who when she knows I'm having a bad week tells me she is praying for me and checks in with me throughout the day. She is beautiful inside and out and the more I got to know her the more I realized how much we do have in common.  She challenges me and pushes me to step outside of my very controlled little box and be silly sometimes.

We started spending time together and confiding in one another things that were going on in our lives.  We brought each other into the other's family space and began to love the other's family.

I remember several months ago the first time we met to do something with each other.  I was giddy.  And when I got home I was telling John about it and he smiled and said, "You have a friend." And I was like, "Do you think so?  Are you sure?  I'm not sure we are a lot alike?  She has like a million friends...why would she need me?" 

Our friendship is still a new one.  But it seems like we have been friends for a long, long time.  It's weird how quickly we bonded and I think we both still sometimes have to remind ourselves we are newer friends. 

I get to share in her adorable little girl, Ella's, life and soon-to-be new baby's life.  That has been an amazing experience for John and me.  We feel like we are connected with their family in a way we were not able to be with my sister and hers.  And slowly our two antisocial husbands are making connections too.  It takes them longer than us women I think.  ;)

God works in strange ways at times but I am even more convinced he answers prayers...even ones we think are kind of silly, like "Send me a friend!"  So during this season of Thanksgiving I am thankful for so many things.  But today this friendship and my sweet friend are top of my list. 

For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart... Matthew 12:34

Confession time.  I have a potty mouth.  I can make a sailor blush.  It is embarrassing and shameful and I hate it about myself.  It is a horribly bad habit I picked up many years ago and it needs to go. 

I have lots of excuses and justifications about it:  I don't do it in front of my kids.  I only do it sitting in traffic or when I am mad and John is usually the only one who hears it.  It isn't hurting anyone.  I don't take God's name in vain or anything like that...But these are all just ways I try to excuse it away.

God, in his wisdom, has been pointing me toward lots of scripture lately about speech.  I am working on memorizing a bunch of them. 

Some toe stepping ones:

And I say to you that every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment.  Matthew 12:36--37

But now you also put them all aside:  anger, wrath, malice, slander and abusive speech from your mouth.  Colossians 3:8

The wise in heart will be called discerning and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.  Proverbs 16:21

She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.  Proverbs 31:26

If you were to ride with me on 280 in the mornings or afternoons you would definitely not hear kindness on my tongue.

I have entrusted this secret of mine to several close friends and asked them to hold me accountable.  I am working diligently to break myself from this habit. 

I want my words to reflect what is in my heart and this ugliness is not it. 

I adore singing and helping to lead worship more than just about anything.  So how can I stand before my church family on Sundays and lead worship and have praise coming from my mouth then get in the car on Monday and have nothing but filth stream from it?  That is a hypocrite of the worst order and I loathe hypocrites. 

We are about to enter a new year and I am not big on resolutions but I am committing to clean out my vocabulary ASAP. 

I have prayed and asked God to convict my heart every single time I let something slip, to have others hold me accountable and to have my sweet husband not have to hear his wife talk like she belongs in the shipyard. 

They say it takes 21 days to create a habit and I have had this one for probably 15 years so it is going to be a challenge but I love a good challenge. 

Letting Go

My son will be 17 in a month.  I promise you I just blinked and he moved from a 4 pound miracle to this person with his own thoughts and plans and ideas.  And...we don't always line up.  In fact, we don't line up a lot of times.  He wants what he wants and he wants it RIGHT NOW and I want him to look down the road and have a plan but the "right" plan and we both get frustrated with one another when we don't line up.

Yesterday I walked into an Army recruitment office with my son, determined to say no because I didn't think it was the right choice for him at 17.  Maybe 18...or 19...maybe 20...but as a junior in high school?  I told him on the way I did not have peace about this and until I did...the answer would be no.  Period.  Nothing they could say to make me change my mind. 

And they did not...nothing they said made me change my mind.  I listened to all the benefits of enrolling early and what it would mean for his pay scale down the line.  I heard all about college money and future job potential.  I heard about leadership and respect and discipline and all those things are true.  And I sat there and listened to my son outline his plan and what he wants down the road.  In my head he should still be playing with Legos and watching cartoons and coming to me for everything because he is my baby.  And...he still is even at almost 17.  But I also saw a glimmer of the man he wants to become.

I heard the sergeant we met with tell me how many kids come in with no one and their parents don't care if they join or not.  He said his own mother didn't come with him and he did it all alone.  He told Patrick he was lucky to have a mom that cares and wants to ask questions and only wants him to pick the best possible route.

I got teary eyed when I told them both that I would support Patrick no matter what he did...there is nothing under the sun he could do that would make me not love him or not support him.  I know too many stories where that isn't true and I don't get it every single time I hear of a parent walking away from their child or closing the door because of conflict or they don't agree with a choice that child has made in their life.  Does not compute for me.

We were there for 2 hours and I asked questions...LOTS of questions.  Then we left and we had dinner together.  And I reminded Patrick I want his character to remain intact.  I don't want the military to change who he is and I don't want him to forget whose he is. 

I went to bed still so unsure.  I told John I wish this decision wasn't mine.  If he waited another year it would all be on him.  But that isn't where his heart is.  We had a heated discussion about this last week and I said to him, "Did you ever think that maybe this isn't the path God has for you?"  and he said back, "Did you ever think that maybe it IS?"  Ouch.  Let's be honest...I would prefer God's plan on this to line up with my plan and my plan is to keep my baby safe and in a bubble where the world doesn't corrupt him or he is out of my safekeeping ie control. 

And I woke up at 2AM with it so heavy on my mind.  But then God started revealing to me so many truths.  Patrick doesn't belong to me.  He never has.  I was entrusted with him almost 17 years ago to shape and mold him...not to be what *I* want him to look like but for him to look like Jesus.  And he doesn't always get that right...neither do I.  I have to trust God has him right in the palm of his hand just as he always has from the minute he came into this world so tiny and helpless.  And if this is not the path God wants for my son then I know my God will intervene and it won't come to pass.

But.  But, but, but...if it *IS* the path then I'm standing in the way and I'm standing in the way out of selfishness. 

Driving to work this morning I talked to God a lot and was listening to an awesome worship song (Shameless plug for my friend's new CD:  Kevin Derryberry:  He Makes All Things New available on iTunes now) and I was reminded never once have I ever walked alone.  God has walked with me through some deep valleys and some amazing mountaintops.  But I've never been alone and I won't be through this.

So...I have peace.  It doesn't look like how I thought it would but it is still there. 

This means my baby will be serving our country once a month starting before 2013 ends.  This summer he will be gone for 10 weeks for basic training and my heart will be so sad but it will be okay.  And I will get to see him live out a dream he has had for probably 8 years.  He has always wanted to be involved in the military.  His senior year of high school will look a little different as he will be serving once a month until he graduates. 

But he won't walk alone either and who better to hand him back over to than the God who entrusted him to me 17 years ago.

Having a child is having your heart walk around on the outside of your body.  Truer words were never spoken.

This letting go stuff is hard.

"Is it okay to fail?"

"Is it okay to fail?'  For the last 24 hours these words have haunted my thoughts, kept me awake and rocked my world.

Yesterday in a counseling session (yes...I do counseling...it's okay...I promise) I was asked, "Kristin, I want to ask you something and I want you to think and then answer with brutal honesty...is it okay to fail?" 

I paused and then I became uncomfortable.  "Well...that depends.  It isn't really black and white...there are gray..."
"Kristin.  Yes or no.  Is it okay to fail?"

"But...you see...it isn't just a yes or no question.  Do you mean professionally or spiritually or..."

"I mean exactly what I said...is it okay to fail?"

And then I got flustered and he pushed and I argued and he kept pushing and I blurted out, "No!  No...it is not acceptable to fail." 

And he sat back, tented his fingers and let that sink in then asked me why I hold myself to such high and impossible standards and...and this is the one that got me...why do I hold others to such high and impossible standards that they can never meet? 

I walked out of there with my head kind of swimming.  *Do* I do that?  I know I'm not perfect...I fail constantly but doing something and accepting something as a possibility from the get-go and being okay with it are different.  Aren't they?

I am a perfectionist.  If I tackle something it needs to be perfect.  I don't accept half way.  My house is always clean.  The menu board always written in each day of meals.  The kids' clothes laid out the night before in a neat pile.  I can't stand clutter.  I rarely sit down once I get home.  There is always something that needs to be done.  And many of these things are *good* things.  Jumping on the trampoline with my boys.  Reading a book to them.  Playing some insane game with cards where monsters have attack points and they fight each other and you have to calculate your points which I am horrible at because hello?  Math!  I try to be the very best at my job or any hobby or being a good friend or serving or whatever area you pick.  I want to excel and there is nothing wrong with that.  But.  Is it okay to fail?  And, more importantly, am I okay with letting others in my life fail?

As we wrapped up my guy said, "If you never fail or allow others to fail how will you/they know and appreciate the taste of success and how good it can be?"   

Mind = blown.

I was talking to a sweet and dear new Mom last night and she was talking about things she does and doesn't do with her little guy.  As we talked and she asked my opinion about some things and I heard some of the things I said while this whole failure thing is camped out in my head I thought that I have not allowed my children to fail.  I hold them to an almost impossible standard and I don't accept failure.

I focus on things that are not what will matter at the end.  I have said numerous times the legacy I want to leave when I exit this Earth is to have invested in my family and those around me.  And I mean that.  That is what I want more than any other thing.  But...I don't always do the things that live out that desire. 

So...I'm attempting to fail and I am going to allow others to fail.  Even typing that sounds ridiculous to my brain.  My brain hasn't quite caught up yet with where my heart is today.

Lost Moments

Was at the pool with the boys Saturday afternoon.  I swam with them for a while then decided to get out and let Daddy play for a bit so I could grab some water.

This mother walked in with her children and sat down a chair away from me.  She had a little boy just smaller than Colin and he was so excited to be at the pool.  She spread out her towel and gave the ok and her kids were off into the water except for the little guy.  He said, "Mommy?  Get in the water with me!  Let's play."  And she told him, "I will in a little while...go play by yourself for right now." 

I didn't think anything about it and she got on her phone and began having a rather lengthy conversation. 

After about 15 minutes her little boy came up again with this huge smile on his face.  "Mommy?  Mommy?  The water is so much fun...come get wet with me.  I want to play with you."  And she told him, "I will...in a little while..."  He shrugged and went off to play and she struck up a conversation with a lady that passed by she obviously knew from somewhere.  They talked for a while about a Girls Night they desperately needed.

The little boy wandered over to where John, Colin and Josh were playing and began to play with them.  John was letting Colin jump into the water to him and this little boy started to do the same thing, wanting John to catch him.

His Mom looked over at me and said, "Boy...your husband is going to be tired tonight."  She doesn't know us.  She has no idea the type of man John is.  Now I know he adores children and would never even think of harming a child but she doesn't know that.  She is content to let her little boy play with them rather than take some time with him herself.  She turned over in her chair to better tan and I got this overwhelming sense of sadness then I got MAD.  I sat there thinking this kid deserves better.  He wants you.  He desires time with you.  And you are too busy. 

Then I was convicted.  I've been that Mother in years past.  I was so selfish and put my needs ahead of the amazing gifts I had with my two (at the time) boys.  Lord, I confess I was blind to the enormous responsibility you gave me when you made me a Mother at times past in my life.  But...but I praise and thank you that you changed my heart and made me realize there is no greater joy...no greater calling than to be called Mother. 

I got back in the water to play some more and another 15 minutes went by and we started to gather up our things to head out.  This precious little one came up to his Mother again and was crying, "Mommy?  You said you would get in the water with me.  You said you would play.  Please come play with me..."  And she looked up and snapped, "No!  I'm not going to get in the water...there are plenty of kids to play with.  Go find someone.  Stop begging me!"  And he had this look on his face of complete rejection and he walked off. 

I wanted so badly to stop and tell her what she is missing.  I had to put my sunglasses on to cover up the tears I felt coming at seeing that child's face as he walked away.  Now I don't know this woman...I only know what I observed in an hour at the pool but my heart breaks for her if this is the interaction she has regularly.  I thought on the way home of all the things I wish I had said...or done...or tried to talk to her but I'm sure she would have told me to mind my own business...just as I would have done in the past if anyone had told me how to raise my own kids. 

But as I was going to sleep last night I kept seeing that little boy's face when she told him to go away and stop begging her.  It was heartbreak.  A perfect picture of what heartbreak looks like. 

It is so important to not get so caught up in our lives, jobs, struggles, whatever it is that is taking our focus away from these little lives that have been entrusted to us.  They are gifts.  They are precious.  They are not going to be with us forever. 

Sunday at church Colin reached for me to hold him during the last song of worship.  It is hard for me physically to hold him for a long period of time so I balanced him on the back of the chair in front of us and he held onto me and hugged me while we sang.  We took communion and he leaned over to ask me if it was Jesus' blood and I whispered to him the symbolism of what it is as he looked up at me, very serious and nodded.  I thought back to that sweet little face from the pool and I looked 2 rows up from me and saw a set of parents who lost their little boy recently and my heart again broke for lost moments and for Mothers who don't know even that they have lost anything yet because they are so tied up in life to even see.  I know that Mother would give anything to play in the water with her little boy.  Anything.

I am not a perfect Mother...I make so many mistakes but I do know I am blessed beyond measure to have the 3 boys I have even when they make me crazy and they do things that make me think they are from another planet.  I love them to tiny little pieces.  I would not trade the moments I have held on to over the last 5 years for anything. 

Big Picture God or Intimate God?

Was having a conversation with someone yesterday about our views of God.  It got interesting.  This person has a picture of God as being Big Picture God.  He sets the ball in motion then sits back and just kind of waits to see what happens, what choices you will make, how things turn out.  Not really involved in the tiny day-to-day details of our lives.

I guess I can see *why* someone would have that mindset but to me it is so much more.  To me, God wants to be intimately involved in the mundane details of my day.  He tells me in his word he knows the hairs on my head, my name is written on his hands and he keeps my tears in a bottle.  That isn't Big Picture God.  That is right there with me constantly God.  Wanting to be exactly who I turn to every single day God.  Involved God.  Not just sitting back in some cosmic cloud waiting to see how things go. 

And it made me a little sad that this person I love dearly has only a Big Picture God relationship.  For me, you are missing out on so much if you only have the Big Picture view of God. 

But it did get me thinking...I tend to pray for things a lot.  I pray for my husband.  My kids.  People I know going through things.  I pray for the weather sometimes if we have plans or I know we need a sunny day or a rainy one.  I pray for parking spaces when I have my kids with me and it is pouring down rain and I want to get in and out as quickly as possible.  I pray for my church.  I pray for friends that don't have a relationship with Christ.  I pray for God to reveal himself to them in a way they can't deny him.  I pray for Celebrate Recovery...that I will be the leader God needs me to be and not the leader I think I should be.  I pray for wisdom in making decisions for myself or my kids.  I pray for my kids...a lot.  Bless them...they need it.

The person I was talking to yesterday said they only pray for major things because God has a lot going on and praying for small things is kind of silly and a little bit selfish.  Again...Big Picture God vs. Intimate God.

But, boy oh boy has this got my brain in overdrive today.  I literally keep coming back to example after example of Big Picture God viewpoint then Intimate God viewpoint.  It also has me thinking about Intellectual Relationship with God and Emotional Relationship with God.  Do I think about my spirituality with my brain or with my heart?

I think I've come to the conclusion that neither viewpoint is necessarily wrong  but with one you might be missing out on such a deep relationship. 

No big conclusion...just lots of questions and interesting things going on in my brain.

The theology of a 4 year old

My kids are pretty awesome.  Don't get me wrong, they have their moments where I would gladly set them out on the front porch with a sign that reads, "Free to a good home" but overall they are good boys.  I love to see the world through their eyes and experience things on their level with them.

Sunday night I was trying to catch up on The Bible miniseries that aired on the History Channel recently.  I was down to the last episode...Passion...and it depicted the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ.  Colin wandered in and climbed up on the bed with me to watch.  He was very quiet. 

Then it got to the part where Jesus walked down the road, carrying his cross.  When the image flashed on the screen Colin took in his breath and said very quietly..."Oh, Jesus..."  I said nothing and we kept watching but I watched him closely.

They took the nails and began to hammer them in and Colin sat up and watched intently.  At one point he lowered his head and said again, "My poor Jesus..."

When the cross was lifted up in the air Colin turned to me and said, "Oh no.  I can't take it, Mommy."  We turned the movie off and talked for a little while and he explained to me that Jesus was not a bad guy and they treated him like he was but that he still let them kill him with a cross because he loves us.

I know Colin is 4.  I know he doesn't understand theology.  He can't explain to me the Trinity or a list of doctrine.  But what I do know is he knows Jesus loves him. 

At his last check up he had to get 4 shots.  Before the nurse came in he looked at me and said, "Mommy...call Mr. Kevin right now.  Tell him to pray for me."  He knows how to lean on people he trusts and ask them to walk with him in his fear.

When he had a bad day at school recently he asked me to pray for his heart that God would take out the mad and put in happy things.  He knows who to turn to to ask for help in his disobedience.

During Communion he will always lean over and tell me, "That's the blood, Mommy.  It's really grape juice but you pretend and remember it is Jesus' blood.  That cracker is his body and his bones.  One day, I'll have Jesus in my heart too and I'll remember."  He understands remembrance of what Christ did for us. 

If you ask him why there is sin and ugly things in the world he will tell you, "Because the devil told Even a terrible lie...and she believed him..." 

Of course he is a 4 year old little boy and he makes bad choices and tries my patience...but his heart gets it and for this I am so glad and excited to see how his faith develops as the rest of him catches up with his heart.