Was at the pool with the boys Saturday afternoon. I swam with them for a while then decided to get out and let Daddy play for a bit so I could grab some water.
This mother walked in with her children and sat down a chair away from me. She had a little boy just smaller than Colin and he was so excited to be at the pool. She spread out her towel and gave the ok and her kids were off into the water except for the little guy. He said, "Mommy? Get in the water with me! Let's play." And she told him, "I will in a little while...go play by yourself for right now."
I didn't think anything about it and she got on her phone and began having a rather lengthy conversation.
After about 15 minutes her little boy came up again with this huge smile on his face. "Mommy? Mommy? The water is so much fun...come get wet with me. I want to play with you." And she told him, "I will...in a little while..." He shrugged and went off to play and she struck up a conversation with a lady that passed by she obviously knew from somewhere. They talked for a while about a Girls Night they desperately needed.
The little boy wandered over to where John, Colin and Josh were playing and began to play with them. John was letting Colin jump into the water to him and this little boy started to do the same thing, wanting John to catch him.
His Mom looked over at me and said, "Boy...your husband is going to be tired tonight." She doesn't know us. She has no idea the type of man John is. Now I know he adores children and would never even think of harming a child but she doesn't know that. She is content to let her little boy play with them rather than take some time with him herself. She turned over in her chair to better tan and I got this overwhelming sense of sadness then I got MAD. I sat there thinking this kid deserves better. He wants you. He desires time with you. And you are too busy.
Then I was convicted. I've been that Mother in years past. I was so selfish and put my needs ahead of the amazing gifts I had with my two (at the time) boys. Lord, I confess I was blind to the enormous responsibility you gave me when you made me a Mother at times past in my life. But...but I praise and thank you that you changed my heart and made me realize there is no greater joy...no greater calling than to be called Mother.
I got back in the water to play some more and another 15 minutes went by and we started to gather up our things to head out. This precious little one came up to his Mother again and was crying, "Mommy? You said you would get in the water with me. You said you would play. Please come play with me..." And she looked up and snapped, "No! I'm not going to get in the water...there are plenty of kids to play with. Go find someone. Stop begging me!" And he had this look on his face of complete rejection and he walked off.
I wanted so badly to stop and tell her what she is missing. I had to put my sunglasses on to cover up the tears I felt coming at seeing that child's face as he walked away. Now I don't know this woman...I only know what I observed in an hour at the pool but my heart breaks for her if this is the interaction she has regularly. I thought on the way home of all the things I wish I had said...or done...or tried to talk to her but I'm sure she would have told me to mind my own business...just as I would have done in the past if anyone had told me how to raise my own kids.
But as I was going to sleep last night I kept seeing that little boy's face when she told him to go away and stop begging her. It was heartbreak. A perfect picture of what heartbreak looks like.
It is so important to not get so caught up in our lives, jobs, struggles, whatever it is that is taking our focus away from these little lives that have been entrusted to us. They are gifts. They are precious. They are not going to be with us forever.
Sunday at church Colin reached for me to hold him during the last song of worship. It is hard for me physically to hold him for a long period of time so I balanced him on the back of the chair in front of us and he held onto me and hugged me while we sang. We took communion and he leaned over to ask me if it was Jesus' blood and I whispered to him the symbolism of what it is as he looked up at me, very serious and nodded. I thought back to that sweet little face from the pool and I looked 2 rows up from me and saw a set of parents who lost their little boy recently and my heart again broke for lost moments and for Mothers who don't know even that they have lost anything yet because they are so tied up in life to even see. I know that Mother would give anything to play in the water with her little boy. Anything.
I am not a perfect Mother...I make so many mistakes but I do know I am blessed beyond measure to have the 3 boys I have even when they make me crazy and they do things that make me think they are from another planet. I love them to tiny little pieces. I would not trade the moments I have held on to over the last 5 years for anything.
Family
Monday, July 29, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Big Picture God or Intimate God?
Was having a conversation with someone yesterday about our views of God. It got interesting. This person has a picture of God as being Big Picture God. He sets the ball in motion then sits back and just kind of waits to see what happens, what choices you will make, how things turn out. Not really involved in the tiny day-to-day details of our lives.
I guess I can see *why* someone would have that mindset but to me it is so much more. To me, God wants to be intimately involved in the mundane details of my day. He tells me in his word he knows the hairs on my head, my name is written on his hands and he keeps my tears in a bottle. That isn't Big Picture God. That is right there with me constantly God. Wanting to be exactly who I turn to every single day God. Involved God. Not just sitting back in some cosmic cloud waiting to see how things go.
And it made me a little sad that this person I love dearly has only a Big Picture God relationship. For me, you are missing out on so much if you only have the Big Picture view of God.
But it did get me thinking...I tend to pray for things a lot. I pray for my husband. My kids. People I know going through things. I pray for the weather sometimes if we have plans or I know we need a sunny day or a rainy one. I pray for parking spaces when I have my kids with me and it is pouring down rain and I want to get in and out as quickly as possible. I pray for my church. I pray for friends that don't have a relationship with Christ. I pray for God to reveal himself to them in a way they can't deny him. I pray for Celebrate Recovery...that I will be the leader God needs me to be and not the leader I think I should be. I pray for wisdom in making decisions for myself or my kids. I pray for my kids...a lot. Bless them...they need it.
The person I was talking to yesterday said they only pray for major things because God has a lot going on and praying for small things is kind of silly and a little bit selfish. Again...Big Picture God vs. Intimate God.
But, boy oh boy has this got my brain in overdrive today. I literally keep coming back to example after example of Big Picture God viewpoint then Intimate God viewpoint. It also has me thinking about Intellectual Relationship with God and Emotional Relationship with God. Do I think about my spirituality with my brain or with my heart?
I think I've come to the conclusion that neither viewpoint is necessarily wrong but with one you might be missing out on such a deep relationship.
No big conclusion...just lots of questions and interesting things going on in my brain.
I guess I can see *why* someone would have that mindset but to me it is so much more. To me, God wants to be intimately involved in the mundane details of my day. He tells me in his word he knows the hairs on my head, my name is written on his hands and he keeps my tears in a bottle. That isn't Big Picture God. That is right there with me constantly God. Wanting to be exactly who I turn to every single day God. Involved God. Not just sitting back in some cosmic cloud waiting to see how things go.
And it made me a little sad that this person I love dearly has only a Big Picture God relationship. For me, you are missing out on so much if you only have the Big Picture view of God.
But it did get me thinking...I tend to pray for things a lot. I pray for my husband. My kids. People I know going through things. I pray for the weather sometimes if we have plans or I know we need a sunny day or a rainy one. I pray for parking spaces when I have my kids with me and it is pouring down rain and I want to get in and out as quickly as possible. I pray for my church. I pray for friends that don't have a relationship with Christ. I pray for God to reveal himself to them in a way they can't deny him. I pray for Celebrate Recovery...that I will be the leader God needs me to be and not the leader I think I should be. I pray for wisdom in making decisions for myself or my kids. I pray for my kids...a lot. Bless them...they need it.
The person I was talking to yesterday said they only pray for major things because God has a lot going on and praying for small things is kind of silly and a little bit selfish. Again...Big Picture God vs. Intimate God.
But, boy oh boy has this got my brain in overdrive today. I literally keep coming back to example after example of Big Picture God viewpoint then Intimate God viewpoint. It also has me thinking about Intellectual Relationship with God and Emotional Relationship with God. Do I think about my spirituality with my brain or with my heart?
I think I've come to the conclusion that neither viewpoint is necessarily wrong but with one you might be missing out on such a deep relationship.
No big conclusion...just lots of questions and interesting things going on in my brain.
Monday, April 8, 2013
The theology of a 4 year old
My kids are pretty awesome. Don't get me wrong, they have their moments where I would gladly set them out on the front porch with a sign that reads, "Free to a good home" but overall they are good boys. I love to see the world through their eyes and experience things on their level with them.
Sunday night I was trying to catch up on The Bible miniseries that aired on the History Channel recently. I was down to the last episode...Passion...and it depicted the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ. Colin wandered in and climbed up on the bed with me to watch. He was very quiet.
Then it got to the part where Jesus walked down the road, carrying his cross. When the image flashed on the screen Colin took in his breath and said very quietly..."Oh, Jesus..." I said nothing and we kept watching but I watched him closely.
They took the nails and began to hammer them in and Colin sat up and watched intently. At one point he lowered his head and said again, "My poor Jesus..."
When the cross was lifted up in the air Colin turned to me and said, "Oh no. I can't take it, Mommy." We turned the movie off and talked for a little while and he explained to me that Jesus was not a bad guy and they treated him like he was but that he still let them kill him with a cross because he loves us.
I know Colin is 4. I know he doesn't understand theology. He can't explain to me the Trinity or a list of doctrine. But what I do know is he knows Jesus loves him.
At his last check up he had to get 4 shots. Before the nurse came in he looked at me and said, "Mommy...call Mr. Kevin right now. Tell him to pray for me." He knows how to lean on people he trusts and ask them to walk with him in his fear.
When he had a bad day at school recently he asked me to pray for his heart that God would take out the mad and put in happy things. He knows who to turn to to ask for help in his disobedience.
During Communion he will always lean over and tell me, "That's the blood, Mommy. It's really grape juice but you pretend and remember it is Jesus' blood. That cracker is his body and his bones. One day, I'll have Jesus in my heart too and I'll remember." He understands remembrance of what Christ did for us.
If you ask him why there is sin and ugly things in the world he will tell you, "Because the devil told Even a terrible lie...and she believed him..."
Of course he is a 4 year old little boy and he makes bad choices and tries my patience...but his heart gets it and for this I am so glad and excited to see how his faith develops as the rest of him catches up with his heart.
Sunday night I was trying to catch up on The Bible miniseries that aired on the History Channel recently. I was down to the last episode...Passion...and it depicted the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ. Colin wandered in and climbed up on the bed with me to watch. He was very quiet.
Then it got to the part where Jesus walked down the road, carrying his cross. When the image flashed on the screen Colin took in his breath and said very quietly..."Oh, Jesus..." I said nothing and we kept watching but I watched him closely.
They took the nails and began to hammer them in and Colin sat up and watched intently. At one point he lowered his head and said again, "My poor Jesus..."
When the cross was lifted up in the air Colin turned to me and said, "Oh no. I can't take it, Mommy." We turned the movie off and talked for a little while and he explained to me that Jesus was not a bad guy and they treated him like he was but that he still let them kill him with a cross because he loves us.
I know Colin is 4. I know he doesn't understand theology. He can't explain to me the Trinity or a list of doctrine. But what I do know is he knows Jesus loves him.
At his last check up he had to get 4 shots. Before the nurse came in he looked at me and said, "Mommy...call Mr. Kevin right now. Tell him to pray for me." He knows how to lean on people he trusts and ask them to walk with him in his fear.
When he had a bad day at school recently he asked me to pray for his heart that God would take out the mad and put in happy things. He knows who to turn to to ask for help in his disobedience.
During Communion he will always lean over and tell me, "That's the blood, Mommy. It's really grape juice but you pretend and remember it is Jesus' blood. That cracker is his body and his bones. One day, I'll have Jesus in my heart too and I'll remember." He understands remembrance of what Christ did for us.
If you ask him why there is sin and ugly things in the world he will tell you, "Because the devil told Even a terrible lie...and she believed him..."
Of course he is a 4 year old little boy and he makes bad choices and tries my patience...but his heart gets it and for this I am so glad and excited to see how his faith develops as the rest of him catches up with his heart.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Easter Wrap-Up
I love Easter. I love the newness. I love the meaning. I love the ending of one story and the beginning of another. I love the time with family. I love standing in church, thinking about the cross.
But...for me, Jesus is alive 365 days a year...not just on Easter. It's great to see the reminders and it is great to give it special space in my head on Easter but am I living my life every single day like Jesus is alive? Am I excited every single day to tell people Christ is risen?
Am I willing to put myself out there and stand up for what I think is right...even if I'm standing alone? Am I willing to be transparent and show the grace God has given me in my life or do I want to hide behind a mask of perfection to the outside world because I'm worried about what they think?
Do I judge people just because they sin differently than I do? Do I accept that Christ died for us WHILE we were yet sinners? There was nothing we had to do first...it was not conditional.
Am I constantly checking my motivations and trying to have integrity in my life? A half-truth is a whole lie. Truth fears nothing but concealment. The truth may hurt but it is the lie that leaves the scar.
So while it is amazing to celebrate Easter and remember what it means...I want to strive to have that in my life 365 days a year.
But...for me, Jesus is alive 365 days a year...not just on Easter. It's great to see the reminders and it is great to give it special space in my head on Easter but am I living my life every single day like Jesus is alive? Am I excited every single day to tell people Christ is risen?
Am I willing to put myself out there and stand up for what I think is right...even if I'm standing alone? Am I willing to be transparent and show the grace God has given me in my life or do I want to hide behind a mask of perfection to the outside world because I'm worried about what they think?
Do I judge people just because they sin differently than I do? Do I accept that Christ died for us WHILE we were yet sinners? There was nothing we had to do first...it was not conditional.
Am I constantly checking my motivations and trying to have integrity in my life? A half-truth is a whole lie. Truth fears nothing but concealment. The truth may hurt but it is the lie that leaves the scar.
So while it is amazing to celebrate Easter and remember what it means...I want to strive to have that in my life 365 days a year.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Leaving a Legacy
I've shared this story a few times but I always come back to it whenever I think about or hear someone talking about the kind of legacy they want to leave when they exit this world.
When my middle son, Josh, was in 1st grade his teacher asked them to draw a picture of their family and show them doing the things that made them happy. Josh came home with his book of his family and in it I found several stick figure drawings and captions.
"My Daddy is happy when he grills food." And there was John with a little grill and curly smoke drawn in.
"My big brother, Patrick is happy when he plays on the computer or video games." Patrick with a big smile, playing what looked like a complicated army game of some type.
"My baby brother, Colin, is happy when he is eating food." Now, if you knew Colin when he was a baby you would chuckle at how funny and true this statement was. There was a reason we called him Chunkwad when he was little. That boy could eat.
Next came me. "My Mommy is only happy when she goes to work." And there was a stick figure Mommy, complete with a little stick figure triangle dress and what looked to be a briefcase.
Think that hurt a little? Not, "My Mommy is happy when she reads me a book" or "My Mommy is happy when we play together".
See during that time I was very focused on my career. I worked a lot. I came home and worked. I left the house early and worked. I missed countless school parties or events because I couldn't leave work. Work was my focus.
Seeing that picture that my sweet boy had drawn was a punch in the gut. This was the legacy I was leaving for my 3 children. A Mom that cared a whole bunch about a job.
I had spent 10 years working to the level I was at in my industry. I put a lot into getting where I was and there is nothing wrong with having pride in your achievements and accomplishments...but...they had become an idol in my life.
I started praying that God would intervene and show me how I could make changes. Little did I know how exactly He would work this out.
A few months after I started praying this I walked into what I thought was a meeting to discuss a huge project I was over and had spent hours getting ready to launch. And in a split second I went from having this job I had invested so much in to being told my position was being eliminated. All those late nights? Didn't matter. All the parties or school events I had missed? Didn't matter. My identity was gone because I had made my identity my job. I was a little stunned to be honest. I walked out and drove home and I remember wondering what in the world we were going to do. My salary was our primary income...I carried the insurance for all of us. How were things going to work out?
See when you pray for God to intervene you never know what form that will take. But...know that He has a plan even when it is so hard to see.
I stayed home the first month and basically felt sorry for myself. How dare they let me go! Didn't they know how much I had sacrificed? And even though I had prayed for God to intervene I didn't quite like how He was going about it. I didn't mean I wanted to LOSE my job...I just wanted Him to show me how to make changes.
During this time I started running and one day I was running around the lake in our neighborhood and was listening to my iPod. The song, "While I'm Waiting" came on and I had heard it a lot but I stopped and stood by the lake and really listened to the words.
I'm waiting...I'm waiting on you, Lord.
Thought it is painful
Patiently, I will wait.
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait.
And in that moment I felt peaceful about my circumstances. In fact, had anyone else been around the lake that morning they would have probably thought I was a crazy person because I knelt by the water, lifted my hands and prayed the lyrics to that song out loud. And I meant them.
That Sunday there was an announcement in our church bulletin that the church was starting up a new ministry called Celebrate Recovery. I went to the meeting to learn about becoming a leader. Had I not been off work I never would have gone because I wouldn't have had the time to devote to being involved.
Do you see how amazingly God intervened? Oh, how good He is and how He works all things out for good for those who love Him. He took me out of where I was investing in useless things and plopped me right down in the middle of a ministry that He knew would nourish my soul and let me have the wonderful opportunity to invest in things that matter. If you have ever had a conversation with me you know how much CR and the people who attend CR mean to me.
I get to see people surrender their hurts, habits and hang ups to God and transform their lives. I get to see redemption win. I get to see beauty made from ashes.
Look at the story 4 years later...I have another job but I only work until 2:30 each day. My salary is about 40% less than what it was. I don't have a fancy title or access to the executive dining room or any of the perks I had in the past. But, do you know what I do get to do? I haven't missed a school party in the last few years. I am home when my babies are sick. I don't work once I leave the office. And I bet if Josh had to do another assignment about his family the last thing he would list that makes his Mom happy would be going to work. There would be a long list of things he could say other than my job being who I was.
What I thought was a huge tragedy turned out to be the biggest blessing I could imagine. And the legacy I hope I am leaving has nothing to do with a corporate business plan or can be shown on a spreadsheet.
God is good like that.
When my middle son, Josh, was in 1st grade his teacher asked them to draw a picture of their family and show them doing the things that made them happy. Josh came home with his book of his family and in it I found several stick figure drawings and captions.
"My Daddy is happy when he grills food." And there was John with a little grill and curly smoke drawn in.
"My big brother, Patrick is happy when he plays on the computer or video games." Patrick with a big smile, playing what looked like a complicated army game of some type.
"My baby brother, Colin, is happy when he is eating food." Now, if you knew Colin when he was a baby you would chuckle at how funny and true this statement was. There was a reason we called him Chunkwad when he was little. That boy could eat.
Next came me. "My Mommy is only happy when she goes to work." And there was a stick figure Mommy, complete with a little stick figure triangle dress and what looked to be a briefcase.
Think that hurt a little? Not, "My Mommy is happy when she reads me a book" or "My Mommy is happy when we play together".
See during that time I was very focused on my career. I worked a lot. I came home and worked. I left the house early and worked. I missed countless school parties or events because I couldn't leave work. Work was my focus.
Seeing that picture that my sweet boy had drawn was a punch in the gut. This was the legacy I was leaving for my 3 children. A Mom that cared a whole bunch about a job.
I had spent 10 years working to the level I was at in my industry. I put a lot into getting where I was and there is nothing wrong with having pride in your achievements and accomplishments...but...they had become an idol in my life.
I started praying that God would intervene and show me how I could make changes. Little did I know how exactly He would work this out.
A few months after I started praying this I walked into what I thought was a meeting to discuss a huge project I was over and had spent hours getting ready to launch. And in a split second I went from having this job I had invested so much in to being told my position was being eliminated. All those late nights? Didn't matter. All the parties or school events I had missed? Didn't matter. My identity was gone because I had made my identity my job. I was a little stunned to be honest. I walked out and drove home and I remember wondering what in the world we were going to do. My salary was our primary income...I carried the insurance for all of us. How were things going to work out?
See when you pray for God to intervene you never know what form that will take. But...know that He has a plan even when it is so hard to see.
I stayed home the first month and basically felt sorry for myself. How dare they let me go! Didn't they know how much I had sacrificed? And even though I had prayed for God to intervene I didn't quite like how He was going about it. I didn't mean I wanted to LOSE my job...I just wanted Him to show me how to make changes.
During this time I started running and one day I was running around the lake in our neighborhood and was listening to my iPod. The song, "While I'm Waiting" came on and I had heard it a lot but I stopped and stood by the lake and really listened to the words.
I'm waiting...I'm waiting on you, Lord.
Thought it is painful
Patiently, I will wait.
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait.
And in that moment I felt peaceful about my circumstances. In fact, had anyone else been around the lake that morning they would have probably thought I was a crazy person because I knelt by the water, lifted my hands and prayed the lyrics to that song out loud. And I meant them.
That Sunday there was an announcement in our church bulletin that the church was starting up a new ministry called Celebrate Recovery. I went to the meeting to learn about becoming a leader. Had I not been off work I never would have gone because I wouldn't have had the time to devote to being involved.
Do you see how amazingly God intervened? Oh, how good He is and how He works all things out for good for those who love Him. He took me out of where I was investing in useless things and plopped me right down in the middle of a ministry that He knew would nourish my soul and let me have the wonderful opportunity to invest in things that matter. If you have ever had a conversation with me you know how much CR and the people who attend CR mean to me.
I get to see people surrender their hurts, habits and hang ups to God and transform their lives. I get to see redemption win. I get to see beauty made from ashes.
Look at the story 4 years later...I have another job but I only work until 2:30 each day. My salary is about 40% less than what it was. I don't have a fancy title or access to the executive dining room or any of the perks I had in the past. But, do you know what I do get to do? I haven't missed a school party in the last few years. I am home when my babies are sick. I don't work once I leave the office. And I bet if Josh had to do another assignment about his family the last thing he would list that makes his Mom happy would be going to work. There would be a long list of things he could say other than my job being who I was.
What I thought was a huge tragedy turned out to be the biggest blessing I could imagine. And the legacy I hope I am leaving has nothing to do with a corporate business plan or can be shown on a spreadsheet.
God is good like that.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
I trust you...but do you know what you are doing?
We took the boys on a mini Spring Break trip to Chattanooga earlier this week. Late one afternoon John and Josh wanted to swim and hang out at the hotel but Colin and I were up for adventure. Ha...little did we know what an adventure we would have.
We hopped on the shuttle to get to the aquarium. It was overcast so I grabbed my umbrella as we headed out. We had already been to the aquarium earlier in the day but since the tickets were good all day we decided we would go back and hit some of our favorite things. We wandered around and just hung out together. It was pretty spectacular.
We left the aquarium and Colin asked if we could stop for a drink and snack so we did. As we got ready to leave the little shop the sky looked dark but I knew the shuttle stop was only a few blocks away so we headed out. We made it about half way and the bottom fell out of the sky...huge rain, thunder, lightning and then it started to hail. I tried to open our umbrella and it wouldn't open. Dime size pieces of hail are now pelting the ground all around us. We huddled under the overhang of a small building while I struggled with the umbrella to no avail.
We both had on light jackets and I told Colin to put his hood up and keep his head down so the hail didn't hit him in the eyes/face. Just as I was giving him these instructions his eyes got teary and he said, "Mommy? I'm kind of scared. But I trust you..."
We ran to the next building that had a larger overhang and in the process stepped in every puddle so now we have soaking wet gym shoes. As we paused again I tried to be cheerful and tell Colin that the shuttle stop wasn't far now and we were almost there...to just hold on...it was all going to be okay. And then he said, "I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?"
We made it to the shuttle and then we made it to our hotel. By the time we walked in we were drenched and cold.
After we had a hot bath and it was all over we laughed and told John and Josh all about our adventure. Now it was funny and we laughed about all the puddles and how we hit every one of them. In the safety of the hotel it became a cool story to share instead of something scary.
Later that night I couldn't sleep and I thought about what he had said to me. "I am kind of scared...but I trust you." I say that to God often. Then as things progressed and got a little rockier..."I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?" Ouch.
How many times do I ask God the same thing? Like I know you've got this but just in case...are you SURE you know what you are doing? Maybe if you would just take this little suggestion I have that would work better? Maybe? Here...let me tell you how this should look...
So in the middle of a hailstorm I got a look at faith and how our circumstances sometimes dictate our faith.
Instead of trusting completely we want to still hold on to that control we think we have or want to have. But what we need to learn to do is to just trust and leave it at that.
We hopped on the shuttle to get to the aquarium. It was overcast so I grabbed my umbrella as we headed out. We had already been to the aquarium earlier in the day but since the tickets were good all day we decided we would go back and hit some of our favorite things. We wandered around and just hung out together. It was pretty spectacular.
We left the aquarium and Colin asked if we could stop for a drink and snack so we did. As we got ready to leave the little shop the sky looked dark but I knew the shuttle stop was only a few blocks away so we headed out. We made it about half way and the bottom fell out of the sky...huge rain, thunder, lightning and then it started to hail. I tried to open our umbrella and it wouldn't open. Dime size pieces of hail are now pelting the ground all around us. We huddled under the overhang of a small building while I struggled with the umbrella to no avail.
We both had on light jackets and I told Colin to put his hood up and keep his head down so the hail didn't hit him in the eyes/face. Just as I was giving him these instructions his eyes got teary and he said, "Mommy? I'm kind of scared. But I trust you..."
We ran to the next building that had a larger overhang and in the process stepped in every puddle so now we have soaking wet gym shoes. As we paused again I tried to be cheerful and tell Colin that the shuttle stop wasn't far now and we were almost there...to just hold on...it was all going to be okay. And then he said, "I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?"
We made it to the shuttle and then we made it to our hotel. By the time we walked in we were drenched and cold.
After we had a hot bath and it was all over we laughed and told John and Josh all about our adventure. Now it was funny and we laughed about all the puddles and how we hit every one of them. In the safety of the hotel it became a cool story to share instead of something scary.
Later that night I couldn't sleep and I thought about what he had said to me. "I am kind of scared...but I trust you." I say that to God often. Then as things progressed and got a little rockier..."I still trust you...but are you sure you know what you are doing?" Ouch.
How many times do I ask God the same thing? Like I know you've got this but just in case...are you SURE you know what you are doing? Maybe if you would just take this little suggestion I have that would work better? Maybe? Here...let me tell you how this should look...
So in the middle of a hailstorm I got a look at faith and how our circumstances sometimes dictate our faith.
Instead of trusting completely we want to still hold on to that control we think we have or want to have. But what we need to learn to do is to just trust and leave it at that.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
I don't want to be safe.
"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." C.S. Lewis
Ever had one of those days where God is shouting to you through painful circumstances?
I don't know about you but...I like things my way. I am what some might call a control freak. I know what I want, how I want it and I do everything in my power to make it so. This is not a good trait to have at times. It especially doesn't work when you have a person in your life that is the exact same way and you both want different things. Enter conflict.
I have 3 boys but this isn't about my younger two...at least not yet. This is about my firstborn. I love all 3 of my kids but Patrick will always be my first. He entered the world as a 4 pound miracle and the second they put him in my arms he became my world. It was if someone reached inside my body and sectioned off a chunk of my heart and formed it into this tiny little thing. Seeing Patrick walk around is like seeing my heart in living and breathing flesh.
And now he is pulling away from me...in many ways like he is supposed to...but in others I fear it is a disobedient heart and that scares me. I want to mold him and shape him into the man I think he should be. But...and here is the problem a control freak like me has...I can't. I don't even like typing that but...it is true. I can't control him. I can try and BELIEVE me I have tried. But it is a useless battle.
We are going through a very rough patch and I don't always handle it in the best way. I am great at working it out in my head but then in the heat of the moment it doesn't always go exactly that way. This is a struggle for me. How do I show him how much he is loved but also guide him to the cross and try to steer him away from rebellion? This has been my question and I'm finding out I've been asking the wrong thing. There are times I have even been standing in the very way of the thing I want most for him...the cross. In my pride and control I sometimes am blocking what God wants to do in my son's life. And guess what? God knows better than I do.
I have a 35 minute commute into my office each morning and during this time I usually think or pray or just spend some quiet time. This morning I was struggling and I prayed, "God, give me something. SOME-THING. Give me a sign or settle my heart or send me a burning bush. SOMETHING. Please?" And I got nothing...at first. Nothing was on the radio so I fumbled around for a CD and I found an unmarked one and popped it in. In my car, since Patrick shares it with me, there is no telling what an unmarked CD might be. And then it started playing...
I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don't want to be safe tonight
Let's be honest...that's what I want...safety. I want my kid to be safe and warm and comfy in this perfect world I have created for him where he is an A student (because he is capable of being one) and he knows exactly what he wants from life and he has it all figured out and it matches up exactly with what I want for him. Nothing wrong with that, right?
But there is. Patrick might not want the same things I want for him. My perfect plan might not match up with God's most perfect plan.
So I argue with God and try to tell him that I know best for this kid. And God asks me if I trust Him. And let me be transparent...I don't sometimes obviously by my actions. I trust Him with MY life. I trust Him with choices and things and circumstances I am going through but what about with my son? Do I trust Him? Am I willing to give it all to Him and accept what that looks like? No...I don't.
A wise friend asked me yesterday as I shared with her some of my fears..."Kristin? What if it isn't about Patrick...but more about you and what God is trying to do with you through Patrick?"
Say what now? Wait. This isn't about me...it is about Patrick. His choices. His lack of respect for authority. His rebellion. His pride...his disobedient heart...
Ah. Okay. I see some similarities. And what God is showing me today because He is good, is that I have to trust Him. I have to let go and I have to not make it all about what *I* want even if what I want are good things.
My way hasn't been working. And that's hard to admit. I like to think my way is a pretty good way.
But instead of safety and my perfect plan what if I accepted that I'm not in control?
I need you like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I'm only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I'm only Yours now
I'm only Yours now
The song played on this morning and I was overwhelmed with fear and questions ran through my mind...But what if this happens? And what about this? And what if he lets this happen? And it could always go this way? What will I do about this? I NEED TO KNOW THE PLAN so I can try to conrol it.
I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction's what I need
Then I'll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I'll receive it Lord from Thee
And it's Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it's Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
Til I'm Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord
Pretty heavy commute this morning but oh how exactly what I needed when I needed it. And I do...I have to trust Him with my most precious thing and it may not turn out to look like what I wanted it look like. But in the end it isn't about my vision of how it should look and I can't keep standing in the way.
And in the moment of making that surrender I feel lighter. I feel more peaceful. I feel relief. I feel calm. Nothing has changed...but everything has changed.
Ever had one of those days where God is shouting to you through painful circumstances?
I don't know about you but...I like things my way. I am what some might call a control freak. I know what I want, how I want it and I do everything in my power to make it so. This is not a good trait to have at times. It especially doesn't work when you have a person in your life that is the exact same way and you both want different things. Enter conflict.
I have 3 boys but this isn't about my younger two...at least not yet. This is about my firstborn. I love all 3 of my kids but Patrick will always be my first. He entered the world as a 4 pound miracle and the second they put him in my arms he became my world. It was if someone reached inside my body and sectioned off a chunk of my heart and formed it into this tiny little thing. Seeing Patrick walk around is like seeing my heart in living and breathing flesh.
And now he is pulling away from me...in many ways like he is supposed to...but in others I fear it is a disobedient heart and that scares me. I want to mold him and shape him into the man I think he should be. But...and here is the problem a control freak like me has...I can't. I don't even like typing that but...it is true. I can't control him. I can try and BELIEVE me I have tried. But it is a useless battle.
We are going through a very rough patch and I don't always handle it in the best way. I am great at working it out in my head but then in the heat of the moment it doesn't always go exactly that way. This is a struggle for me. How do I show him how much he is loved but also guide him to the cross and try to steer him away from rebellion? This has been my question and I'm finding out I've been asking the wrong thing. There are times I have even been standing in the very way of the thing I want most for him...the cross. In my pride and control I sometimes am blocking what God wants to do in my son's life. And guess what? God knows better than I do.
I have a 35 minute commute into my office each morning and during this time I usually think or pray or just spend some quiet time. This morning I was struggling and I prayed, "God, give me something. SOME-THING. Give me a sign or settle my heart or send me a burning bush. SOMETHING. Please?" And I got nothing...at first. Nothing was on the radio so I fumbled around for a CD and I found an unmarked one and popped it in. In my car, since Patrick shares it with me, there is no telling what an unmarked CD might be. And then it started playing...
I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don't want to be safe tonight
Let's be honest...that's what I want...safety. I want my kid to be safe and warm and comfy in this perfect world I have created for him where he is an A student (because he is capable of being one) and he knows exactly what he wants from life and he has it all figured out and it matches up exactly with what I want for him. Nothing wrong with that, right?
But there is. Patrick might not want the same things I want for him. My perfect plan might not match up with God's most perfect plan.
So I argue with God and try to tell him that I know best for this kid. And God asks me if I trust Him. And let me be transparent...I don't sometimes obviously by my actions. I trust Him with MY life. I trust Him with choices and things and circumstances I am going through but what about with my son? Do I trust Him? Am I willing to give it all to Him and accept what that looks like? No...I don't.
A wise friend asked me yesterday as I shared with her some of my fears..."Kristin? What if it isn't about Patrick...but more about you and what God is trying to do with you through Patrick?"
Say what now? Wait. This isn't about me...it is about Patrick. His choices. His lack of respect for authority. His rebellion. His pride...his disobedient heart...
Ah. Okay. I see some similarities. And what God is showing me today because He is good, is that I have to trust Him. I have to let go and I have to not make it all about what *I* want even if what I want are good things.
My way hasn't been working. And that's hard to admit. I like to think my way is a pretty good way.
But instead of safety and my perfect plan what if I accepted that I'm not in control?
I need you like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I'm only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I'm only Yours now
I'm only Yours now
The song played on this morning and I was overwhelmed with fear and questions ran through my mind...But what if this happens? And what about this? And what if he lets this happen? And it could always go this way? What will I do about this? I NEED TO KNOW THE PLAN so I can try to conrol it.
I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction's what I need
Then I'll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I'll receive it Lord from Thee
And it's Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it's Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
Til I'm Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord
Pretty heavy commute this morning but oh how exactly what I needed when I needed it. And I do...I have to trust Him with my most precious thing and it may not turn out to look like what I wanted it look like. But in the end it isn't about my vision of how it should look and I can't keep standing in the way.
And in the moment of making that surrender I feel lighter. I feel more peaceful. I feel relief. I feel calm. Nothing has changed...but everything has changed.
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